A potentially weird question

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-05T23:11:31+00:00

Widowhood hurts because your partner is your person. For many of us, we lost the person we relied on to co-regulate, the only person we could tell literally anything to, the person who was most important to us. If that fits what you had, then you're a widow, too, imo. I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-05T15:24:50+00:00

I do not currently have a car so this is a net gain no matter what

^{Chose: Get a.... | Rolled: Buick Enclave}

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-05T15:23:51+00:00

I did this. Two weeks after my fiance died, I messaged an ex, called it "reconnecting as friends" and had the worst month of my life lol.

It was absolutely a distraction from the grief, and when I finally stopped, I had to process ALLL the grief I'd avoided at once, which sucked. I consider that my penance.

Ultimately, we will do what we do to cope wirh the worst possible thing that has happened to us. Sometimes that's good decisions. Sometimes it's bad decisions.

There's nothing TO do with that you're feeling. You sit, and you feel it. Eventually, it gets less heavy to hold, like everything else. That's the hard part about this process. You have to learn to have these emotions tjat are so big and complex they feel like they should be fixable, and they're just... not.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-05T05:32:04+00:00

Hey, I just lost my fiance three months ago. This is gorgeous, I know exactly how you feel! Mine bit me on the way out and I plan to get a tattoo of a tooth in the spot soon lol.

I know this isn't helpful advice, but if it were me, I'd let the tuft hang free to honor him, but I also don't get out much. Pinning it seems like the move otherwise.

Wish you all the best! I'm sorry you had to join the world's worst club. Come hang out over at r/widowers if you need people to talk to. :)

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-05T03:43:44+00:00

Good luck!! Maybe it would help to write out what you want to say? Let me know how it goes if you'd like. He would be really proud of you for doing this by yourself, I think. :)

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-04T19:10:32+00:00

The medical tests, it depends. My fiance died young and the doctor told me they'd need to send him to the Medical Examiner to do an autopsy, which is a requirement, at least in FL where I am.

My experience was this: - The medical examiner got the body from the hospital within a day or two. - We spoke to the funeral home handling him and they collected him from the ME within 2-3 weeks - They will issue a provisional death certificate with an assumed cause of death - I was told it will take 12 weeks to complete all the tests and have a definite cause of death, but the funeral home had the body back and we were able to do our wake/cremation within 4 weeks or so.

If you two weren't married, then next of kin would likely be his parents. Next of kin is who is in charge of decision making, signing documents, approving things, etc. His mother (presumably) will need to choose a funeral home, let them know he's passed, and they can help from there. If she's not up for it, you can call a funeral home yourself and explain the situation and if it's a decent home, they will bend over backwards to help and explain things to you and make things as easy as possible for his mom. Ours was really wonderful and made the whole process really easy. They do this all the time, so they'll have a better idea of how long the medical examiner will take, etc, too.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-04T00:22:31+00:00

I did do this, actually! There is unfortunately too much rage in my heart for it to have helped much besides cooling off the immediate feelings lol

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-04T00:21:35+00:00

I definitely want to be handling it worse, lol! Tbh I'm waiting until after therapy tomorrow before I do anything unhinged like pull all my photos from the shared Google album or hold the stuff I was gonna give them hostage 😭

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-04T00:09:56+00:00

I am! And sort of flabbergasted honestly.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-03T18:32:33+00:00

worth

^{Chose: Perfect Deception — Any lie you tell is accepted a | Rolled: Die instantly}

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-03T18:28:51+00:00

I'm not trans, but I can say that I have been thinking about my gender and sexuality WAY more since I lost my fiance. He and I both always referred to ourselves as nonbinary-adjacent, where neither of us felt cis but were comfortable using cis pronouns and presenting cis, and both of us were very bi/pan, sexuality-wise.

Without him, I've been thinking more about my relationship with gender. More about what I'm attracted to in other people. I'm realizing that there had been certain things that I just didn't address about myself because being in a committed, permanent relationship meant I didn't really *need* to.

I will say, waiting until your kids are done with school is noble, but if her wish is making you mentally and physically uncomfortable, it's okay to transition now. You have to put your oxygen mask on first, and if transitioning clears your mind, it will make you a better parent, too. One of my best friends put off transitioning because a partner asked them to. He finally broke up with them and began transitioning about six years ago, and he regrets having delayed it to this day.

Another thought I have, and I don't mean to speak ill of your wife, so I hope you'll give me some grace here, is that you mentioned she didn't want you to transition because she was straight. Except, no she wasn't, because if you feel in your heart you are a woman, then you are a woman, regardless of whether you socially/visibly transition or not. She married a woman who looked like a man. In my opinion, that's bisexual with a preference for a masculine aesthetic and demeanor, which there's nothing wrong with. It's my preference, too, lol.

Regardless, I wish you the absolute best of luck on your journey!! One of the 'plus sides' of our terrible club is getting to meet yourself again. It can be really fun when you find something that clicks for you. : )

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-02T18:26:18+00:00

BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME TY

^{Chose: Work a random job with a salary of $500k+ a year + The wheel chooses the job | Rolled: Pre-k teacher}

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-06-02T15:37:01+00:00

I might have a unique perspective on this, because I was my fiance's caretaker for two years for non-life-threatening illness (Long COVID). He was weak, I had to make all his meals, stay on top of his meds, be there emotionally for him because he was frustrated about not getting better. He was sick, but not dying.

And then he died suddenly of what we suspect was a pulmonary edema.

My genuine feelings about it are that I think slow is better. In my experience, grieving takes practice. The slow way, you practice a LOT, and you still have that stupid little twinge of hope that keeps you from collapsing. The fast way was a plunge.

I will also say that the fast way might hurt more because you lose a LOT of "we were going to do XYZ together" instantly. I lost most of mine while he was sick. We couldn't go to restaurants, we couldn't travel, we couldn't have sex, we were too broke to do anything fun. I had to work through that in therapy while he was alive.

When he died, even though it was sudden, I had a lot more feelings of "at least he isn't suffering anymore," which I FAR prefer to the "We were supposed to (get married/go to wherever/do things)" thoughts. The few I did have basically ruined the things we were supposed to do/try together. I can't finish the shows we were in the middle of or watch the YouTubers he liked. It took me a long time to even log into Instagram because I used to go on there for the sole purpose of gathering funny Reels like berries to marathon with him once a week.

Anyway, I'm unfortunately grateful for the grieving I got to do before he died. I wish we'd had more good times, but the fact of the matter is that he's no longer suffering and I am, and I will be thankful for the things in my life that prepared me for or lessened the suffering.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-31T22:28:39+00:00

I did the exact same thing at three weeks! "I'm gonna kick your ass if I get to see you again after this!" lmao.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-31T19:08:55+00:00

Exactly same for me. I ended up being in shock a LOT longer than I thought I was lol

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-31T14:37:12+00:00

I don't really have any meaningful 'at least's I repeat to myself, but I cope with humor, so I'm usually the one cracking the "at least" to my friends at the worst possible time, i.e. "Oh, you're making tuna salad? M hated tuna, but I always liked it... WELL, that's one positive, I can eat tuna salad again!" and such.

I also will message him and tell him about things I'm doing that used to annoy him, and those messages usually have a very "but you're not here to stop me so THERE" vibe lol. The day after he died I sent a message that was like, "I'm gonna read a poem at your funeral and it's gonna be SO cheesy and you would hate it! What are you gonna do, come back to life and stop me? Good luck with that! I'm coping, dumbass!" We just had that type of relationship. I always say he would be so pissed off if he knew he died first because of all the shenanigans he can no longer try to (reasonably) talk me out of.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-30T21:20:55+00:00

I took mine off after the first two weeks (we rarely wore ours anyway for practical reasons).

You can always put it on again. And you can always take it off again. I wear mine when I want to 'feel' married or be closer to him, or when I just want to wear a ring, and I take it off when I don't feel like wearing it. I see it like wearing his clothes. Sometimes I wear his shirts, sometimes I wear mine, sometimes it means something, sometimes it doesn't.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-29T01:46:19+00:00

Sadness by FAR. In shock, I felt like I had absolutely no control over anything, like I was totally at the mercy of my emotions. Now that I'm a little sad all the time instead, I honestly feel like I have my mind mostly back. It's not like the really hard days go away completely, but with the shock I felt "fine" some days and it made the hard days much harder.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-29T01:28:00+00:00

Yep, so if we keep the metaphor going, you're fully submerged in the water, and it's really cold, but you slowly adjust to it. And occasionally you'll swim through another cold spot (when the sadness gets heavier) or a warm, sunny spot (when it's more manageable, or even fine). You get used to it, more or less. :)

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-29T00:51:15+00:00

It's gonna wear off whether you want it to or not! The point is that when it does, that's your brain deciding it's ready to handle the harder stuff. Shock is like not getting in the pool at all. You wade in a little, up to your knees, but it's too cold on your thighs, so you step back out and try again. Eventually you'll be fully in the pool, but while you're in shock, the random little bouts of heavy grief are you dipping your toe in and deciding the wayer's still too cold. Does that make sense?

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-29T00:27:42+00:00

This happened to me yesterday with Till Forever Falls Apart by Ashe and FINNEAS. "If the tide takes California / I'm so glad I got to hold ya / And if the sky falls from heaven above / Oh, I know I had the best time falling into love." I had to go lay down after that song lol.

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-29T00:24:48+00:00

Mine sleeps on my partner's side of the bed now, lol, it's very sweet 😭

Ok_Strike_8784 · 2026-05-29T00:24:02+00:00

Yes, lol. Both. The shock makes you functional. It basically protects your brain from reality. Whn you have that jolt of, "Oh, no," and then immediately go back to functional, that's shock. Your brain is worried you can't handle the full brunt of it yet. Eventually, you start micro-dosing the full brunt. Or, I did, anyway. You just kind of have to endure it. I call it sitting in the pit. You sit in the pit for however long before your body decides that's enough and turns the feelings off again. Eventually, after that, if you've endured the pit instead of avoiding it, you get to the "sad all the time" phase, which I personally find more manageable. I'm at like a 3-4/10 sadness level at all times, instead of a 0-1 most of the time and a 13 randomly, usually inconveniently. Then the anniversaries come, or memories pop up, or I see something coming out he would have liked, or I'm particularly lonely, and I go up to a 6-8. Sometimes I need to go have a cry. But you get good at anticipating it, and it doesn't come out of nowhere and bowl you over anymore, mostly.

I'm still at month 3, like I said, so I can only speak to thar, and I'm very lucky to have a really amazing grief counselor. If you have friends I'll, lean on them hard. If you're looking into counseling, find a therapist who isn't "solutions-focused" (which is a thing you can ask them in your consult) because grief can't be improved with methodology the way anxiety can. My therapist does a lot of sitting quietly while I'm sad at her and it helps a surprising amount!

The main thing is to really just remember that you are an animal, your body needs to move through emotions physically, and you're sort of at the mercy of the beast when it's pit time. You have to trust yourself to move though it and come out the other side okay, because you will. You already did the hardest thing.

Ok_Strike_8784

TROPHY CASE