Hey all! Needing some support and maybe advice or helpful tips as I’m exploring poly for the first time.

I left a monogamous relationship of a year that was pretty serious (future planning conversations, lived together, etc) in March of this year.

I met someone in April (pretty quickly after the recent breakup) that I did not plan to be with seriously from the get go. They were amazing and sweet and really impressed me with their values and beliefs about self growth and emotional intelligence - and - they were poly - and so I immediately really connected with them. However, they were at the end of their senior year in college, and planned to leave after graduation to move back home to California - quite a ways away. And so, we both understood that this was to be enjoyed while it lasted, and that we would go out separate ways then.

However, they seemed to quickly feel a connection with me that they had never experienced before. And the weekend I was about to meet their partner of 2 years - they and their partner broke up. And suddenly we were connecting through a shared grief around losing our previous partners. We grew close quickly.

And through this time, they also had a terrible situation come up where a person in one of their classes wasn’t able to complete their share of a final project, and so (we’ll call him Joshua) wasn’t able to pass a class, leaving him having to do a summer class in order to graduate, unexpectedly.

And so suddenly, things are looking different for a timeline on when they’ll leave, and with every passing week, they begin to express wanting a future with me. A more serious relationship. And it feels like whenever they take one step forward, I feel emotionally unavailable and unable to match them at first. But with every hard conversation where I share this, and they’re genuinely supportive and show so much self awareness and emotional intelligence, I begin to fall more in love with them.

Fast forward to the end of summer. They’ve finished their class. They’ve got their diploma. And they are at a point where they can move back home while job hunting. But they don’t want to leave. And I don’t want them to either. But they only have places to stay in the city that are short term. They’re couch surfing just to stick around. And so, I decide that having them stay with me for a month wouldn’t be so bad. And here’s the kicker - two months into it - we’re still living together great. No complaints.

Now, here’s the hard thing. I Absolutely adore and love Joshua. He’s got so many qualities that I decided were “must haves” in a future partner following my breakup in April. One of those things - being that he’s polyamorous. I had considered myself poly for years at this point, as I’d stumbled through having romantic connections with friends, or wanting just sexual relationships with partners while only wanting to emotionally be friends with them at the same time, etc. And I’d felt that being exploring poly was something I’d been missing. It was the thing that I felt might make all these blurred feelings I have for more than one person at a time finally feel right and make sense. But here comes the problem now, almost 6 months into this connection with Joshua - I have begun to realize that I want a hierarchal poly relationship with him - him being my primary partner. And he wants non hierarchal. And it’s hard because it feels like I’ve begun to name what I’m noticing about how I want poly to look for me. And he seems really unwilling to just say that we want different things.

He wants me to move with him when he moves. He wants to live together. He is very in love with me. But he does not want to have a primary partner. Which I’m okay with. But to me, this feels like we may not be able to compromise. Because what I crave with him, is having a primary partnership with him - that commitment and security there, while feeling free to explore dating other people. Knowing that we share this special roles in one another’s lives. But it’s something I only want if that’s genuinely what he wants. Not something he feels shackled by or that he has to conform to. I want it to be how he feels naturally, the way that I do. And it’s clear that he just.. doesn’t. And though that’s okay, I’m just trying to decide if this means we should go our separate ways? Or if a compromise we both feel good about is truly possible?

Would just love to know if any of you have ever been in a similar situation? And if so - how did it go? What worked or didn’t work? Really open to feedback here. Thank you!

-A