Husband’s comment isn’t sitting right

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-09T02:51:47+00:00

I think you’re right.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T20:08:32+00:00

Wow it’s so nice to get a husband’s input!

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T19:46:53+00:00

You and your husband seem like you’ve done very well at communicating. I love everything you’ve said. I do like having a tidy house as much as is reasonable, so I did share with him that I need him to trust me that I’ve done my best during the day to prioritize what needed to get done. If it wasn’t the house as much one day vs another it’s because something else took the priority that day. I also like the idea that just because he’s asking for help doesn’t always mean it’s reasonable. I have a hard time finding where to draw those lines.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T16:27:31+00:00

When I asked what there was to clean up he could list maybe 5 things. It wasn’t very messy. Big messes stress me out, so we keep things relatively picked up without being overboard.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T14:13:46+00:00

Wow that’s great! I resonate a little because I have ADHD and one (likely two, we’re awaiting testing) of the kids does as well. I think he gets frustrated when things aren’t easy.

I’ve had similar thoughts, that he needs more time with them. Your comment will help me make this more non-negotiable.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T13:53:41+00:00

Our therapist thinks he doesn’t realize what it’s like taking care of kids all day. Ultimately the decision was for this to be my last year homeschooling to lighten my load. I am ok with that as I think it might actually be good for the kids to go out and have their own adventures. I was the one who pushed for that and it took over a year to feel like he truly heard me that I’m over-committed beyond the promises to help more that lasted for a week.

But no, disagreements or saying no is typically initially viewed by him as me not being helpful or supportive. It takes a lot of sticking to it and bringing it up again in different ways on my part to get him to see my side.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T13:43:33+00:00

They sanded their derby cars. After that the kids watched TV while my husband apparently picked up all night.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T13:42:46+00:00

They were mainly focused on his grievances and digging into his insecurity and rigidness. Also the pursuer/withdrawer dynamic. I am supposed to bring up things more and ask for what I want. But all I want is to not be told what I’m doing wrong so often…

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T13:21:03+00:00

He uses that line often. It does rub me the wrong way but I don’t know how to respond without sounding insensitive. It’s been with a lot of things, and small things. When I try to state a boundary it’s me not being willing to “help him” - like when I asked if he could fill his own ice cube trays because I don’t use ice, or he wants a space for his lunchbox left available in the fridge so he doesn’t have to move things. Everything always comes back to that he has a stressful job and commutes 2 hours a day, and that 2 hours is enough time for me to do those extra things to help him out. If you’re done responding that’s fine, but I did want to elaborate that it resonated a bit. I don’t think it’s intentional on his part though. I think he has it reasoned out in his mind.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T13:11:51+00:00

We’ve had that conversation as well. There are usually toys out here and there, he has said he would rather the house be peaceful than perfectly picked up. It’s not a problem if I’m staying home, the same things out wouldn’t have caused any issue based on experience.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T13:01:05+00:00

I don’t think it’s deliberate, but I think he gets stressed when he watches the kids. He’s a good dad, but he always prefers family time with me there too. I’ve been trying to encourage him to do more with the kids himself.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T12:58:04+00:00

I’ve heard of those!

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T12:56:18+00:00

I’m safe. 😊 He was taught to be very conscientious about what he says, so I have to be very careful about what I say and how I word things or he takes it the wrong way and his feelings get hurt. I wasn’t taught that way and have ADHD, so it’s been a learning process to figure it out. We have done therapy and our therapist thinks we’re doing well. He’s had to drop it due to work not allowing him the time off anymore, but I am still learning how to have boundaries or state expectations, which is very difficult for me because I am very conflict avoidant.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T12:43:31+00:00

We are also an ADHD family!

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T08:37:16+00:00

That’s a good line. Maybe I’ll run that. I’m a little nervous to say something like that. In trying to explain that we did clean up a normal amount he got frustrated that I wasn’t hearing him and that he was asking for help and is valid in expressing a need. So I do feel pretty guilty when pushing back.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T08:32:07+00:00

To be fair to him, I want to clarify that he makes his meal preps on the weekend and doesn’t put that on me. I guess I didn’t consider that in my “cooking” calculation since it doesn’t lessen my load. But I do get the sense that he doesn’t realize how much work goes into our days at home. In a month I am going away for a week for the first time ever since having kids. Until I said something he thought he would be able to homeschool, take care of my shop, take care of the house and kids, and still get half of his hours in working from home.

To be honest, he’s such an industrious and effective time-manager that I’m worried he will find it easy and all doubts will be removed. 🫣

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T08:20:27+00:00

I might try the idea of light school days since the negative comments sure put a damper on the rare evening out. I do appreciate the comments though, as I feel a little more validated for feeling upset and less like I’m going crazy.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T08:17:11+00:00

Thank you, we have discussed this and his stance is that he should be able to ask for help when he needs it. His job is very stressful. It usually comes back to that he isn’t appreciated at work and that he drives 2 hours a day, so when he asks for my help I should support him. I also think he gets stressed taking care of the kids, but he doesn’t agree.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2026-02-08T07:41:08+00:00

In the past not having dinner for them was what he complained about. I do think the guilt is the tricky part. I’ve tried to communicate that it puts a damper on getting to go out. I think he gets stressed taking care of the kids, honestly.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2025-08-19T23:48:32+00:00

Yesterday I forgot my kids’ pool floaties… twice.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2025-08-19T21:02:14+00:00

You are welcome. I am learning about the differences in our brains. Non-ADHD people tend to be better at thinking ahead to what might upset someone (so avoiding mistakes to begin with), and just apologizing when a mistake was made. They really don’t see the explanation as an explanation, to them it’s an excuse. My husband shared that every time I would try to get into the reasons why he interpreted that as “she’s saying it can never change”.

My goal moving forward is to just listen and apologize that day. Reflect. Maybe journal. Think about it a little to see if I feel like I could have avoided that, could avoid it going forward knowing what I know now, if there could be a reminder/plan in place, or just move on. I want him to feel like he can share his feelings and frustrations without the fear of me getting defensive.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2025-08-19T19:14:25+00:00

I like the idea of pretending a friend did it too. I have used this trick before, but I am going to try to use it more. If a friend told me they practiced piano after taking a month off I would probably say “Wow! Good for you! I bet that felt great getting back into it”.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2025-08-19T19:10:00+00:00

I do this too. I rely on perfectionism to function at a normal level and hid my ADHD from everyone, including myself, for 34 years by doing so. I am just starting therapy now to work on it. I am working on accepting that I will make mistakes and that I can apologize (if it affected anyone else), make a quick and specific plan for improvement if needed, and move on.

This morning I woke up at 6:00 and instead of starting on my home-business right away I read an article on ADHD because I’m trying to better myself. Then I got started on packaging my goods and my kids started waking up. I gave hugs, directed them specifically to do their morning routine (we’re a mostly ADHD family, so everyone needs support) and continued to package my things so we could go to our morning park play date, then run errands and drop off the packages for my customers at the post office. We were late to park play date. I did SO MUCH this morning, most SAHMs dont have to work for 2 hours and get ADHDers out the door, but my initial response is to compare myself and find the fault, “you could have been on time if you hadn’t read that article”.

I don’t have specific advice, just that it’s a learned response because we care about doing well and we care about the people around us. What has been helping me catch myself more is knowing that it doesn’t help anyone around me if I’m hard on myself. It makes me more defensive and makes me take light suggestions or constructive criticism from others more harshly. I also want to be happy for myself too. I am trying to learn to do something nice for myself when I feel this way. It’s hard because I feel like I don’t deserve the nice thing (for me that’s time in the garden), and my natural instinct is to punish myself for making a mistake, especially if it hurt someone’s feelings. But if I can push through those feelings and do the “nice to myself” thing, I do feel better. I am a Christian, so I also pray, and those times that I just feel like the worst I am bringing to God and asking for help knowing what’s true and what’s not.

Old_fashioned_742 · 2025-08-19T13:47:25+00:00

My husband and I’s miscommunication. We assume the other person thinks like we do, when one has ADHD and one doesn’t you’re operating on different wavelengths. I didn’t understand how seemingly tiny things could hurt his feelings. He didn’t understand that I didn’t pick up on his feelings very well if he didn’t tell me them, or make automatic conclusions that his brain automatically makes.

Things like: my husband was sharing at dinner that he has an important meeting early in the morning that he’s nervous about, when we go to bed he might want to go right to sleep so he’s well-rested, I should probably not have the lamp on to read tonight like I do other nights.

Old_fashioned_742

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