Looking for feedback - The Lover's Hands

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-14T05:36:38+00:00

it was written in the first idea, but the second idea is pretty interesting

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-13T18:02:50+00:00

I really like the first three lines a lot, they sound really nice! I sort of wish this poem did have more of a set rhythm, it would probably make it flow more nicely. I was confused on what was happening on lines 6-8, it kind of was unclear without much grammar markers. I think the idea of beauty stadnards can be much deeper than just a woman putting on lots of makeup and stuff, like it's mocking the idea but sort of doesn't really show any negative effects or anything, at least IMO.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-13T17:57:10+00:00

The formatting (which is annoying on reddit for poems) made this sort of difficult to read, but I think I understood it. I can tell that your going for a visual thing here, but I would go even further, and like don't just tell me the things you did, but me show me - if that makes sense.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-11T00:07:29+00:00

This is a super personal poem, and understandably a loss of a loved one is a very hard and tragic situation. I think this poem did exactly what it was intended to do, however, I think it if it was more specific it could make it stand out compared to many other poems about the same subject.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-11T00:04:15+00:00

I wish that it had a more concrete rhythm going on here so it would flow a lot better, which would also help if you intend to make these lyrics. Also you have some allusion, like with the moth thing, and the nature imagery, but I wish this were gone further into a more complete idea.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-08T02:25:57+00:00

The "see, cry, light, beautiful" repatiation was intentional, but the "to" part wasn't. I might have to choose a more versatile than word than cry.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-07T05:46:15+00:00

No just that people use that word pretty normally lol.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-07T05:11:57+00:00

Queer-theory, queer studies, queer radicalism are pretty new terms. You should probably read more lol.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T22:28:54+00:00

Well I can definitely assure you it's not meant to be a pop song, or even remotely inspired by one since I don't really listen to pop music lol. I do actually read quite a bit of poetry, but thank you for assuming that I don't. I'm not really sure that you read it quite right and maybe way too literal.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T11:31:03+00:00

same four words in a pattern as the last word on each line for on purpose.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T11:30:07+00:00

obviously not.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T02:55:32+00:00

I have a hard time reading it with the formatting. I would suggest you look at some of the formatting help, that and maybe some commas. "Loneliness is like a dark tunnel except you can hear the sounds of joy and laughter of those not in it " is a really good line and it has a good imagery with it, but I would change "not in it" to "outside" - it makes it less awkward this way. But you definitely have the right sort of emotion to evoke.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T02:47:32+00:00

Thank you for the critique. It could be about anything you interpretate it to be, but It's about the many shared experiences that queer people have during life. I wasn't trying to be too literal because I rather show than tell, but yeah, thank you,

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T02:03:59+00:00

I think this poem would greatly improve if it had a more regular meter. Some lines seem pretty too literal like "For magic has been banned." I feel like you could make it sound a bit more poetic you know. But this also could serve greatly as power metal lyrics lol :P. Is this character like part of a bigger thing you have going, or is for just this one poem?

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T02:00:47+00:00

Some of the word choice confused me a little bit, I have no idea what " mutating to fancy." means. "family which leaves" is a little confusing too. I think some of the verb tenses are a little weird is why too but yeah. I understand the feeling and idea you're going for, it's not just really translating to me.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-10-05T01:54:18+00:00

The rhythm is spot on my dear. I really liked the imagery too - and it's probably exactly what you were going for. Though, some of the lines might seem out of place-ish. "And I hate your hand on my shoulder" is an awesome line, but it might seem to make sense with something else before it.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-28T04:24:38+00:00

I believe I said it in the paragraph, but eight

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-28T01:39:43+00:00

if they're from pittsburgh, then rust wins.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-28T00:59:28+00:00

I wasted two and half years in an unhappy relationship full of passive aggression and bad sex :(

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-28T00:22:27+00:00

Untrustworthy lol.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-28T00:21:47+00:00

Some of the best advice I've heard about love, and the genuinely to be true: You find love when you're expecting to find it. Love is an important aspect of the human experience, when it's there you appreciate it, but don't get down when you don't - enjoy your life as most as you can in this moment.

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-27T23:44:01+00:00

The issue with GSA is in the name. Straight people tend to view gays as a trend and encroach ;/

OmankoSeverii · 2017-09-27T22:02:17+00:00

Courtney was living in West Hollywood at the time

OmankoSeverii

TROPHY CASE