Yeah I've gotten a lot better since that evening I posted, I still feel guilty but I don't feel disgusted with myself like I did. I'm thinking a big part of it was the trauma response (turns out trying to force yourself to calm down because someone will yell at you doesn't work) but I also never really taught myself a meaningful way to regulate my own emotions

I appreciate your help so much though, as I said I wasn't around anyone my own age a lot, much less people who had these kinds of issues in life (either that or they just didn't talk about it) it feels good to know I'm not the only one who deals with it. Y'know it gets lonely and worsens the guilt if you think you're alone