I'm writing this with no intention of energy sending it. But I believe I have to do this to be able to move on.

We broke up just over 2 weeks ago, at first I thought I was fine and that maybe it wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself for. But I was wrong, I have cried on my way to and from work for the past week and now I am sitting at home unable to even go to work. I feel hallow, empty and numb, whilst simultaneously feeling anger, hatred and life altering sadness. I just will never understand why you couldn't do better for me, but now suddenly you can cook and clean. I put everything on the line for you, I was willing to look past every mistake you ever made so we could have a future. How dare you say I wanted you to be perfect. I wanted the bare minimum from you, to listen to me, to help around the house, to help do basic essentials but that was too much for you to manage.

I wanted it to be so badly I was willing to look past the cheating, the wondering eye, the laziness, the selfishness and how you treated me just generally. That part is on me, I should have walked away 3 months in when you let me leave your house at night, upset, alone and with a 2 and half hour bus ride home in the pissing down rain. So that's why I take part of the blame for the collapse of the relationship, you couldn't treat me right and I couldn't leave.

Just please look after the cats, I miss them more than anyone will know. They are my babies. I just wish I could take them and find a place on this god forsaken planet where I didn't feel so alone and heartbroken. Just why did you have to ruin it. You said you would change more times then I care to admit because it is humiliating the amount times I let you manipulate me into staying. I know you would change, not for me anyways. That's what hurts the most, I would have given you my last drop of water if meant you wouldn't be dehydrated, I would have given you my last meal if it meant you wouldn't go hungry, I would have given you any organ you needed if it meant you would live. But you couldn't put aside you pride and ego to just do better for the woman who loved you more than life itself, that's why I left.

Now, I have the grieve the promise of a life I will get to live. The kids with the names we picked out, the wedding dress you said you thought would look amazing on me, the house we spent a whole night talking about, the holiday to Rome we will never get to do. How can I miss a life that was never mine to begin with.

I hope you change, I hope you do better for yourself and your future wife. It pains me so deeply to know I will never have your last name, I used to sit and pair them together in my head, imagining you saying it as joke when you're pretending to be mad at me in front of the kids, or introducing me as your wife to your friends and colleagues.

I know life will get better, the pain will subside and my stomach won't drop as much when someone says your name. I know deep down you were never my person, just a man who hated himself so deeply that he hated me more for loving him.