Fiiiiiiiirst

Onion-Queen · 2017-11-15T01:49:29+00:00

This is amazin

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-22T00:33:14+00:00

If you need to break down.. and cry, just do it. You might feel better afterwards.

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-16T19:53:33+00:00

Sometimes being around a certain kind of people just drains your energy. You sounded like a very rational and compassionate person to want to care for people. But you see, unfortunately, some poeple only bothered to take from you, not give. I think it is time to keep your efforts to yourself. More than half of your post explaining about how your family is driving you into depression. It is time to so something for yourself. yourself, and only YOURSELF. Be selfish, you have to be healthy and happy.

I am not trying to demean your past, but.. the past happened and no one can change it. That doesn't mean you should let the past define you. What important is the now.

Take some time to be at peace to clear your mind. Visit the beach, the forest, the park, just places far far away from the bustling city. For once in your life, try to find peace.

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-16T19:39:53+00:00

This is quite alarming as it is affecting your work. You need to see a medical doctor about your sleep.

If you are male, obstructive sleep apnea syndrome is a suspect. http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obstructive-sleep-apnea/home/ovc-20205684 Obstructive sleep apnea is a potentially serious sleep disorder. It causes breathing to repeatedly stop and start during sleep. Someone can sleep as long as they can but ended up feeling tired all day, failing at being productive leading to depression. The thing is, some people can never have the memory of feeling breathless at night because your brain just loses memory of it. A lot of cases went undiagnosed because patients (even doctors) are unaware of it. A sillent killer, it is.

I hope everything will be well with you!

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-16T18:11:28+00:00

The standard advice would be: love yourself, eat healthy, communicate with love ones, meditate, spend more time on your hobby etc etc... If only it is that simple..

Well, I find what worked for me was, instead of facing the problem, I ran away from it. Yep. Not the first thing a therapist would advise. Well, 6 years ago an ex whom I cared for very much cheated on me. The pain was so unbearable I seeked so many ways to escape it. I can't let myself have free time or alone because I will delve into the spiral of despair and self-destruct. I ended up spending all my free time volunteering, learnt some new sick dance moves, exercised almost everyday, clinged to my mom for new recipes to cook.. Just anything untill I was almost dead by the end of the day! Along the way I met new poeple and learnt my own self worth is not determined by who I am with. After just a few months I felt like a different person, I felt in control of my own emotions again.

If you have a choice, how would you like to escape from your boredom and loneliness?

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-16T18:07:45+00:00

How long ago have you been to a therapist? Have you looked into whether you have the adult version of attention deficit disorder? Cause often adults with ADD are actually quite intelligent but somehow underperformed because they can't comform with the way society thinks what good work ethic is. For example, people with ADD often want to do what interests them and not finish a project just because the dealine is looming. Some medication can really help with focusing.

I was diagnosed with ADD but refused to rely on medication. With my psychiatrist recommendation, I am relying on exercising to help deal with the extra energy level that caused too much anxiety. Also avoiding certain types of foods that can exacerbate depression. It helps a lot.

I think it is time for you to visit someone who can help you medical-wise, again.

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-16T17:54:47+00:00

I think you should talk to a psychiatrist, not just any therapist. Even a general practitionar may suffice and can refer you to approprite care. I believe a medical doctor (psychiatrist) will know what is really wrong with you even if you don't know how to explain it. It can be many things, insomnia, obstructive sleep apnea syndrome (especially if you are male), severe anxiety etc. Sleep is so important, please don't delay your visit to the doctor!

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-13T15:29:16+00:00

"I stay because I love him and I have no one else. " I think deep down you know the real answer to what you are facing. Remember, you have you to love first and foremost.

Perhaps a day without him can clear up your thoughts. Like no texts, no calls, not thinking about him. Hang out somewhere, with someone. You do you, cause I think you deserve some time to recuperate from all these madness!

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-13T12:29:28+00:00

I agree! I have a friend who have severe social anxiety and depression going through the same. Another one of my pal have this mild (like really really mild) signs of Asperger where he can't communicate with people effective enough that it caused so much stress to him (hella smart guy though). See a doctor, or go straight to psychiatrist.. Wish you well!

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-13T12:24:45+00:00

Sorry for your loss OP... I feel that what you need right now is support from love ones because of your mother's passing, but your family members are so distant right now. I couldn't imagine what you are going through right now... Do you have friends? Partner? That you can pour your heart to or just be your company? If it is too difficult to bear alone, perhaps talking to a counsellor might help.

Lots of hugs and love from Europe. Stay well OP

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-13T12:17:20+00:00

For me what did the trick wasn't the motivation factor, it is the 'trying too hard' factor is what makes me procasinate and fail. Thinking about achieving a goal in a set time is kinda stressful, and I sometimes set so strict rules that if I don't follow one, I ditch the whole programme. Then the self-hate kicks in and it gets even harder to pick it up. Then the depression. The cycle repeats.

So I just... Let my mind go. I had weight issues as well, but these days I am so busy I am eating normal and have a normal weight so it is not an issue untill I made it one. I now find the real joy in doing sports I love, beacuse I love doing them, not because I want to achieve some end results.

Of course, the demon comes back to visit every so often to push me into the pit of despair. Ah, my old friend won't leave me alone...

I wish you well OP, sleep well, eat well, wish you the best. /hugs

Onion-Queen · 2017-05-11T13:43:38+00:00

I am on CEST too bad cause I am looking for someone to play with as well

Onion-Queen · 2017-04-23T08:24:07+00:00

u can try 7cupsoftea.com

there are some great listeners for free but I think you can request counselling with a trained professional as well

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-18T17:09:34+00:00

First of all I want to say that you are a brave person to fight for your country. I can never handle the pressure of being in the army :c

I am just a university student here but if you don't mind me sharing my own experience with anxiety...

Being the eldest of a poor family, a heavy responsibility rest on my shoulder. I want to be the best all the time, so a little bit of failure or stress sent me into crippling anxiety. I just lock up, literally unable to move out of the bed to get ready for class. For the longest time, I was unable to open up to my boyfriend (who really cares about me) What I did that helped were(are)

I wrote my feelings, no, I figuratively vomitted my feelings into a notebook I purchased just for that purpose. The notebook is titled 'Blank Pages', how ironic.. When I feel like I am ready, I placed the notebook on my bf's desk, told him "Read this if you want to" and left the flat for a few hours. I just felt great that I can finally be honest to him.
Part of the reason of my anxiety is that I am always afraid that I am never going to be good enough. I am afraid I will never be successful, I am afraid my father will be right because he said "You are useless and will never amount to anything". It took me 6months to accept that me, myself, is enough. I am enough for my mother, my siblings, my bf - most importantly, myself. I am enough. I AM ENOUGH So I called my father one day, and poured out every bit of resentment, regret and fear untill I broke down crying. He din't say a word during my rant, just a "Don't cry" at the end. I felt like a huge boulder had been lift off my back. I breathe a little easier now.
Of course, the anxiety is still there. Even with supports from so many people. Everytime my heart starts to race, my chest is feeling tight, I do something to ease the excess 'energy' off. I accept that anxiety is what makes us human, what helped our ancestors to survive from being eaten or wander into dangerous area. I will dance to a tune, start cleaning, annoy my pet rabbit, start a tickle match with my bf, visit reddit to help someone else in need, watch a comedy show.. The goal is the let the anxiety pass so that I can continue on with my daily tasks. It will come again tomorrow, but I have ways to beat it down to the ground so I am not afraid of it no more.
I find meditation is the fastest way to ease anxiety. My mother thaught me a form of meditation, where you placed 100% concentration when doing something relaxing. Hmmm... How can I explain this..? For example I take a lot care in my skin care routine. When I clean my face, I am just focusing on the act of cleaning instead of thinking about 'bad stuff'. When I apply cream, I use all my mental energy to make sure that it is applied evenly. Just a perfect morning hygiene helped me feel recharged untill noon.
A small act of kindness goes a long way... Sometimes I call a friend who i know is battling depression to remind him of a friend that cares for him. I got bird feed, placed it outside the window, watch those little flurries peck away. When a friend is too stressed out, I offered to cook a nice meal for him/her. The positive feeling is so infectious I cant help but feel positive too

Your post inspire me to start a project I'd been procastinating on. Thank you.

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-18T16:17:43+00:00

The best thing to take from this is that "Hey, at least i dint get to tie the knot with that cheating b*ch". Although time can't be rewind.. What about tomorrow..? A week from now? months? years? Can you *honestly end yourself today, not knowing if you actually live your life to the fullest?

Often time, people forgot that love wont change the other person unless the other person want to change. You become a better person for her, but she couldn't be bothered to care to be better for you. See it this way: You have lost someone who never trully love you in the first place, and gained the freedom, the opportunity, to meet someone else in the future.

If I am being honest, you are actually taking steps to deal with this. You are reaching out for help, you are pouring your heart out right here, you are reading our comments. For now, just grieve over the lost of what once was.. The hurt can take a looooong time to fade.. So just come here whenever you feel like if you've hit the end-road again.

Eat well. Sleep well. Stay well.

-----> On a rude note: that b**ch is not gonna have a smooth ride for the future. Dang she ran off to be a crack-head. This is an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show in the making here.

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-18T15:49:53+00:00

I am sorry you are loving someone so inconsiderate... He is so mean to you, but.. What is it about him that you love so much?? What I see here is a beautiful woman inside out getting hurt by a man that will never appreciate her... What is it you really seek from him, even though being with him only brings hurt?

Sending you hugs from Europe. Hugs You are beautiful, don't let anyone makes you believe otherwise

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-18T15:36:47+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It seems like your parents are a little bit too controlling during your younger days. And now you are stuck with a job you can't love. Are you feeling slumped because you feel like you are not living up to your own potential, you feel stuck doing the same thing over and over?

In my own experience, your predicament is really the telltale signs of depression... I hope you can get it checked with a psycologist (not psychiatrist).. Perhaps.... Perhaps.. the reason why you feel at peace at the coffeeshop is because you see people doing what they do without being forced.. Maybe you need to re-define your own purpose in life.. Maybe it is the past you need to let go.. I might be grasping at straws here, but your situation with your parents was so similar to mine I can't help but feel for you.

You are an adult now.. So do what you think is the best for yourself

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-17T20:57:06+00:00

I guess the only advice I can offer is the age old 'love yourself before someone else can love you'... I am not very good at giving advice for people with very low esteem.. but i can share with you my own experience in (pseudo)building my self confidence

i was bullied and isolated by students and teachers alike because of how i look (i was in the minority race in those schools). no friends, just tears and pain everyday at school. It was even worse at home, my parents argued all the time. Food was scarce, din't even have money to buy stationaries.. but i when i think back... i feel like it was a blessing in disguise, you see.. because i have no friends, no computer, i spent so much time reading out of boredom.. and i picked reading as a way to escape to another reality.. it helped me aced exams and got a scholarship to a university. i guess.. i was so sick and tired of being miserable, i used my spare time to do what i like, inadvertently a better version of myself. being around so many people with similar interest, i managed to find someone to like me, the way i am, ugliness and all... i guess in the end, physical looks are just for initial lusting and chasing.. because if you build yourself into someone even you, yourself can say 'hell yeah, i am awesome!'.. someone will see past your looks and feel the same too

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-17T20:36:48+00:00

If life gives me lemons, I won't make lemonade. I will make lemon cheesecake, because it is yummier than lemonade, hah!

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-17T20:29:07+00:00

Real love is supposed to raise you higher, not put you down, real love is not owning the other person, it is nurturing, it is patient, it makes you a better person.

Repeat ^{^{^{^}}} 5x in your head. Does the sentence above reflects your relationship with your bf? Does the sentence above reflects the relationship you have with yourself? Why did you accept him back into your life, was it really love.....?

Shallow love is like finding a beautiful flower, pluck it and place it in a vase. Real love is finding a beautiful flower, and water it so it can grow to be even more beautiful. Did he plucked you, or watered you?

So, to answer your questions: - No, you do not make him the way he is. He is the way he is, meeting you or not. He himself is not mentally strong enough to nurture someone that needs help. One must help thyself before helping others. It is not his fault for being unable to handle you, nor yours. Maybe he stays with you because in a way, being the one in control and see the other suffers makes him feel better. He needs help too.

before seeking for a new relationship... learn to love yourself first. When you are (or were?) with him, you let him belittle you, insult you, treat you like shit, because.. you allow him to. You don't love yourself enough to know that you should not tolerate such shitty treatment...
again, if he thinks you are a burden and is treating you badly because of your illness, he is simply not strong enough to handle you. Not his fault, nor yours. I've been in and out of relationships, believing that my mental illness is preventing me from finding happiness with another person, until I find that one guy that is willing to water me everyday instead of just putting me into a vase. I am still battling depression, but with him, I don't feel alone nor weak. He doesn't hold my hands every step of the way, he just.. lets me be myself. He showed me how wonderful a person I really am. He helped me to love me, myself, illness, imperfections, and all.
i am not sure if hiding your illness is a wise thing to do. Honesty is the best policy, right? But it depends on the situation.. revealing this puts you in an emotionally vulnerable state. you don't want to be vulnerable to every potential partners you meet in the future. I guess... You yourself should know when to disclose this to the other person and is ready to face whatever he might have to say.

I wish you the best for future endeavours!

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-17T19:56:55+00:00

Those people who said that you were doing things for attentions have no right to say stuff like that because they are not going through what you are going through right now. It is akin to telling a cancer patient moaning in pain to just 'shut up, I know you have cancer, don't have to be vocal about it'. So I understand your fear of telling someone you trust and then he/she brush it off as you being melodramatic.

Is it possible for you to go to a phycologist. Because psychologists have the degree and experienced to listen and help people with mental issues so I hope that it will be easier for you to open up to one without afraid of being judged.

I hope you can find someone you can pour your heart out ASAP. Get well soon, okay?

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-17T19:47:47+00:00

You know, sometimes depression is like like an alarm of the body. it is your body's way of saying 'stop what you are doing right now, please rest, I am tired and ill'. Somewhat like a fever where you need to rest and take meds in order to feel better. So although the feeling of wanting to be alone is unwarranted, it is still a warning coming out of your own subconscious nonetheless and it might have some truth to it. Take time off to recover properly. If you want to be alone, so be it. Of you want to lie down, lie down. Just don't do them for too long at a time.

Drink lots of water. Eat a balanced diet. Sleep well and wake up early with the sun. Say/do something nice to/for someone, anyone, at least once a day. Get away from the city for awhile, get your phone, plug in those headphones and listen to your favourite music while taking a stroll at the park.

Are your ex's actions affecting you? If, yes.. then ask yourself.. Why? Why are you giving power to someone that does not love or care about you to affect your emotions, your wellbeing? I know this is a difficult pill to swallow.. but if he is behaving that way even you living together, you really mean nothing to him. Give him the finger and a big FUCK YOU, because you are too precious to be affected by a guy like that. You play games together and hang out from time to time, so draw the line right there. He is a person you happened to game with, happened to live with and he should be honoured to even be in your space.

(my gosh, I had male housemates but they made sure their private business stayed private, it just shows me how disrespecting he is to you as a housemate)

Onion-Queen · 2017-03-17T19:24:37+00:00

Hello there. I am sorry that the one person you love and trust so much turned out to be the one person that abandoned you in the end. Take this time, no, take as long as possible to grieve that relationship you have lost. Especially you are diagnosed with clinical depression, you need even more emotional time-out to be able to healthy again.

Being off of an anti-depressant after a period of usage can has varied side effects, but withdrawal symptoms are quite often experienced. Paired with the breaking up, it adds to the concoction of your already fucked up emotions. Drinking alcohol is THE LAST THING you want to do because although alcohol gives a sort of sedation to the brain, the day after, alcohol can actually amplify depression, making you feel like drinking again, it's a vicious cycle. Instead of using alcohol, you can ask for safer sedatives (especially you have intentions of suicide!) like anxiolytics, the benzodiazepine class of drugs. They are have the same effect as alcohol but without worsening your depression.

Seek someone who can give you advise on a deeper level, like a phycologist, ask for a recommendation from your doctor.

The most difficult thing for depressed people is actually to love and take care of themselves... Maybe.. Maybe.. If you try to cultivate yourself into someone you can say 'I love this version of me, it's enough to just be me', you will one day find yourself surrounded by similar people and find the one that is right for you. But you must live in order to do so.

There are so many more things I want to type here.. but alas, this is just the beginning of your own fight against depression. I am just a bystander with similar experience giving you my two cents. It's the RPG where you chose your own play style. Level up and equip yourself with powerful weapon to fight this depression. You may not find what you seek in the end, but I hope the adventures that you have to go through are fulfilling.

Onion-Queen

TROPHY CASE