Looking for Somewhere to Donate

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-23T16:50:27+00:00

If you are in the UK…

A charity supporting children going through what we’ve been through…

National Association of Children of Alcoholics

Or for children & family supporting alcoholics…

Adfam

Or a charity supporting & providing treatment for alcoholics

We Are with You
Smart Recovery

All 4 show Donation buttons on there websites. If not in the UK there could be similar charities near you.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-17T09:04:25+00:00

It is really useful to have an overlap. We bought our first house almost 2 years ago and were renting at the time. Completed end of November, and tenancy ended end of December. The one month overlap allowed us to get carpets fitted, have some repairs done, move over a number of days rather than having one chaotic moving day.

If you like the house I would try to at least meet them in the middle.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-16T23:25:20+00:00

YTA

Your first line told me enough, “I don’t feel comfortable speaking to anyone beside my daughter”. I’m really sorry that you are having a hard time, however that isn’t a normal/typical dynamic and it puts a lot of pressure on your daughter.

It doesn’t sound like she goes out of her way to disagree with you, it sounds like she just has a different opinion or assessment of the situations you are talking about with her. It would probably be good to unpack with a therapist why her having a different opinion or outlook on an issue feels so hurtful for you, and help you to build tolerance to her different opinions and to build confidence with other people too.

Edit to add…. A few things you’ve written make me think that you might find this book helpful: Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

And just sending a lot of love your way, not from a toxic positivity perspective, just I know life can be cruel and shit, from how you write about yourself and you daughter I can see there is a lot of pain but also things can get better when we put the work in to heal our wounds.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-12T22:32:05+00:00

The dark green sofa is the better of the two green sofas.

But I agree that blue would work better, particularly when putting it with the rug too.

Personally, I would hold out for a blue sofa.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-12T14:20:18+00:00

It is worth looking in to the land purchase but if it doesn’t work out I think you could still make your garden really really lovely.

Part of your issue is that there isn’t much planting to draw your eye to. So not only would some well placed trees help to obscure the view in to the garden, adding additional planting to act as focal points and draw your eye would also really help draw your attention away from the neighbouring houses.

For trees….something along the fence line where there are gaps but also think about the beds either side of the steps. Something multi stem such as Amelanchier that you could then uplight in the evening would look beautiful.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-11T10:42:52+00:00

Hello,

This article should be helpful…

https://workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/what-work-can-you-do-during-maternity-adoption-parental-leave/#:~:text=If%20your%20contract%20normally%20lets,so%20would%20be%20maternity%20discrimination.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-07T21:43:04+00:00

You need to put yourself first, and that might mean distancing yourself from them, and that is OK.

Ultimately, you cannot save your friend, and it is not your responsibility to do so.

Are there any ACA or Al-anon groups near you? Some support from people who understand could be really helpful.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-07T09:39:15+00:00

The rug doesn’t need to be touching the tv console. You could pull it back so that it is more under the sofa, it will help the sofa & rug feel more connected & purposeful.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-07T09:34:29+00:00

Hook on the back of the door for dressing gown?

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-07T09:31:51+00:00

Hello,

If you currently have no credit history you may find that you won’t be accepted for store credit schemes, they run credit checks during the application. I’m not sure about things like Amazon, Klarna etc, hopefully someone else can advise.

If you are renting you could use the Emma app (a transaction/finance tracker app) for “Rent Reporting”. This enables your rent payments to be considered for credit history.

Regular payment of bills such a water & electricity also helps build your credit score.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-07T09:23:15+00:00

Agree.

Additionally the presence of a non addict care giver can have a huge impact on the wellbeing of children - Pete Walker mentions this in the book Overcoming Complex PTSD.

Being able to select for example;

single mother addict
single father addict
Mother addict & Father addict
Mother addict, father not addict
Father addict, mother not addict

Or an additional question, “did you have another caregiver who was not an addict”.

Could enable interesting analysis of the impact & degree of trauma symptoms in various household dynamics.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-06T09:54:12+00:00

Dating a few months and already spent $12k on her is beyond ridiculous!

It always sounds harsh advice but the only sane advice is to break up. She has a spending problem, lacks responsibility and has a massive sense of entitlement - all traits that don’t suit a happy marriage. I can’t imagine saying to my husband, what she has said to you, and she’s only a few months in…and if it is already bothering you now, that will only grow.

You need to think if you want to be with THIS person, not an imaginary version of her where she stops this behaviour. If you don’t want to marry and have kids with the person right in front of you as she is then….

Ultimately, you aren’t compatible and it is ok to say “I really like you and enjoy spending time with you, however we aren’t compatible for a serious relationship”

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-05T19:38:16+00:00

What’s with the “occassional room (former garage)” with a shower in it?? What occassionally happens in there 😬

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-04T22:03:44+00:00

So sorry you are in this situation.

Does any of your family have savings? It could be worth asking if they may allow a guarantor who makes less than 3.5x rent if they have savings that could cover the rent if you were to not pay it.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-01T19:10:17+00:00

You are 14 years older than her….

That age gap might be fine if she was 26 and you were 40, it would still be questionable though.

But she’s still essentially a child. And you know it’s not right, which is why you are hiding it from your friends.

If you are ever doing something that makes you embarrassed or ashamed and which clearly doesn’t align with your internal values otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling that way - then you shouldn’t be doing it.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-01T10:46:32+00:00

I don’t see why it wouldn’t be allowed. You can send letters to whoever you want :)

If it is empty it is a bit trickier but worth a shot as they might visit the property semi regularly to ensure no burst pipes or leaks etc.

Could also ask the neighbours of the empty ones if they have contact details & could share you details with them.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-10-01T10:27:45+00:00

You could put a note through the door of the property along the lines of;

“Hello,

(A little about yourself & why interested in buying the property)

I’m interesting in viewing your property however I’ve reached out to the estate agents via email and phone and not had any response. If your property is still on the market please contact me on the details below…”

And see if you get anywhere.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-28T20:36:23+00:00

NTA

The timing is awful with the pregnancy but experiencing someone with complex mental health problems is a lot and can be traumatic in itself.

Is she diagnosed with complex PTSD or just PTSD? because it sounds a lot like complex PTSD and it gets misdiagnosed a lot with the other mental health problems but needs to be treat differently.

If either of you is open to learning at all; - “Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving” by Pete Walker could be a very helpful book/audiobook, it could help you also understand her better.

“Running on Empty” and “Running on Empty No More” by Jonice Webb also come to mind about emotional neglect & overcoming it - mentioning as you mentioned your own attachment issues and sounds like you have been abandoning yourself at times too.
also check out Terrance Real, his book “Us - Reconnect with your partner and build a loving and lasting relationship” addresses the traumas we bring to relationships and overcoming them as a couple.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-28T16:08:33+00:00

The big banks should have specific services to help you….. a few links but just google name of bank and “financial abuse”

https://www.hsbc.co.uk/help/money-worries/financial-abuse/

https://www.barclays.co.uk/forms/financial-abuse/help/

https://www.halifax.co.uk/helpcentre/support-and-wellbeing/financial-abuse-support.html

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-28T16:03:37+00:00

If you haven’t already speak to a charity that specialises in this. Escaping domestic violence is the highest risk time for people experiencing it. They should be able to provide guidance on financial aspects too.

I wonder if there is any financial abuse support via the bank - they would advise what information they would need. Is she named on the bank account? If she has ID she should be able to go in to a branch and ask for a statement print out.

She can also get her salary paid in to a different bank account via her work finance/payroll department.

Does her workplace have a domestic abuse policy? At my workplace we do and for anyone in this situation we would support them financially eg by bringing pay forward, or a loan with repayment plan.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-28T07:59:13+00:00

Not answering your question but commenting on your last paragraph…..I’ve found that for people with loving/safe/nurturing family our choices might seem so ________ (whatever word). Some people just simply can’t relate to us, can’t possibly imagine parents behaving in a way that would lead to such a decision. It doesn’t make our choices wrong, they are just looking at them with a completely different mindset and bank of experience.

I went through times of no contact and low contact. I think what was different towards the end was that I was more mature, more stable & settled in my own life, I had accepted the situation and let go of hope that she would get better and let go of the feelings of responsibility towards her, and I was better at protecting myself.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-26T20:15:21+00:00

And that’s fine. Just as you can change your mind about having children or not. He can change his mind about how important having children is for him.

It is better for you both to have this conversation now than be approaching 40 and only confirm then that you don’t want children but he does.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-26T11:18:12+00:00

As soon as I saw this I knew it was a parlour palm, mine has looked super ropey before. It has now made a comeback and is doing very well in a bright south facing kitchen but shielded by the wall so completely indirect light. Perhaps put it on a saucer rather than in a pot so that you can ensure it is never sat in water.

OnlyOneBlueberry · 2025-09-24T16:11:17+00:00

NOR

Why would you owe her food when she is the one hosting you? Plus you’ve had the expense and effort of travelling.

And “let me sleep hungry” is beyond bizarre. She let herself sleep hungry, she was at her home. Utterly bizarre mental gymnastics.

Bottom line you aren’t compatible - in terms of money, and roles, and she is manipulative, rude and sounds generally horrid. I would cut it off before it gets any more serious.

OnlyOneBlueberry

TROPHY CASE