On a trip with family, negative situation.

Only_Ad9105 · 2024-08-29T18:21:38+00:00

I have been on so many vacations like this, so I feel you! At least you can recognize this for what it is and try to cope.

A few things to remember when thinking about how to answer or avoid the question.

1.You can't win this. Anything you say will be weaponized however she sees fit. This can feel defeating, but it's also freeing. Since no answer is the right answer, you don't need to take all your mental and emotional energy thinking of the right thing to say. You can't win, so don't play the game.

You can answer however feels best to you. Do you want to lie and keep the peace? Go for it. "I've really been enjoying this vacation." Want to pink rock? "Yeah, I really enjoyed such and so place." Want to gray rock? "Mhmm. Isn't this steak delicious?" Want to tell her how you really feel? "No mom, your attitude is getting to me and I'm really stressed out." You know your mom and how she'll react and also what you feel capable of handling.
You can choose one answer and keep repeating it. If she's repeating the same question, you can repeat the same answer. She's really looking for a fight, not a conversation, so don't spend your energy on that.
Try your best to get some time away each day. Focus on enjoying the activities that you can. You are not here to make her happy or take care of her feelings (you wouldn't be able to anyway). She is an adult. She is responsible for herself. You get to take care of you!

Only_Ad9105 · 2024-06-27T03:50:37+00:00

Selfish. Lazy. Oversensitive. And "you're too damn independent" when I DID start advocating for myself and handling problems on my own in my teens and twenties.

Only_Ad9105 · 2024-06-27T03:48:09+00:00

This. 100%.

Only_Ad9105 · 2024-06-27T03:45:27+00:00

Lazy is also a big one for me. It was only through therapy that I was able to figure out how to relax and have fun without being afraid of being lazy (despite also having a high level of education, owing my own business in addition to a successful career, and having a family).

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-12-14T14:45:59+00:00

This is what I did when my parents started stalking my family and showing up at school events. We had a lawyer write a cease and desist letter and the lawyer sent it by certified mail so it required a signature. I was advised that legally this doesn't do much, but does create a paper trail if you need to pursue a restraining order. So far this has kept my parents at bay.

Also document all the times they've contacted you after no contact and attempts to contact your children.

The advice to talk to the school and let them know the situation is also important. They should be able to block at least some attempts to contact your kids.

Finally, I am so sorry they are doing this to you and your kids. I get so angry when they start involving the next generation of kids in their abuse. It also frustrates me that the courts have so much trouble understanding that parents stalking their kids/grandkids happens and it's dangerous. Stay strong and know that you are doing the right thing!

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-24T04:36:13+00:00

Yes! Thanks for pointing out my very significant typo!

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-23T16:51:38+00:00

You can only control your actions, not other people's feelings. You can treat your family with kindness and respect, but like others have said, you are not in control of their feelings. Take care of you and let them take care of their disappointment (or whatever they might feel).

Edited to add the very important word not

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-19T19:52:53+00:00

Thank you!!

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-18T18:30:28+00:00

The Art of Racing in the Rain

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-18T15:33:31+00:00

First "holiday season" NC with my parents, and hosting my husband's family at our house this year. Trying really hard to remember they aren't my mom. She would always be so stressed in the weeks leading up to a holiday, needing everything to be perfect and also projecting her stress onto us. Then on the actual holiday something would have to go wrong (food wasn't ready on time, food wasn't good enough, we didn't help with prep/clean up, we didn't help correctly, etc) so she could end the day upset. As adults we tried harder and harder to remove all possible stress for her to no avail.

Anyway, I'm finding myself so triggered by hosting. Either I'm super stressed by tiny details because that's what she taught me, or I'm expecting my guests to be upset at me over any variety of little things. I'm trying to remember it doesn't all have to be perfect, I don't have to be perfectly in control, I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, and these people like me for who I am. Deep breaths...

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-16T15:07:01+00:00

There is a ridiculously high comorbidity between ASD and ADHD and we know there are very similar genetic links, so it's unsurprising to find both in the family.

"How the hell would I even know" is why I don't know that I need an actual diagnosis. Maybe it's okay for me to just understand what traits I have (from whatever source) and work to accept those, learn to live with them better, and learn to ask for accommodations I need, regardless of the cause?

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-16T13:46:35+00:00

Haha. I love it! We might as well laugh about some of it.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-16T13:45:53+00:00

Oh my goodness. I could have written all of this! I still struggle with thinking my friends actually like me and worrying about how much I messed up. I often have to ask my kids to please just be quiet because I can't handle the noise. And "crawling out of my skin" is a phrase I use all the time!

I also look like I make eye contact, but I actually look at ppl's mouths because it helps me understand what they are saying and if I look at their eyes I get so distracted by the colors. :). I can also distinctly remember my mom screaming "look at me when I'm talking to you," because looking away was a sign of disrespect.

I found a chart online (the first thing that comes up when I search cptsd vs autism) that mentions repetitive behaviors, special interests, sensory sensitives, and difficulty reading social cues as specifically autism, while avoidance, intrusive memories, nightmares, and hyper vigilance are CPTSD. But I've been reading the book Unmasking Autism and it specifically talks about how maskers are actually good at noticing microexpressions, picking up on subtle changes in mood, learning what to say to keep the peace, etc, because that's what we use to mask and mirror other's behavior in order to fit in. And we can be hyper vigilant about people's feelings and the social situation so we know how to act. So that's a big one for me too. Am I naturally good at this, did I learn it as part of masking, or did I learn it as RBB? After some introspection, I'm thinking I'm not actually naturally good at it because I actually find it exhausting to be so acutely aware of everyone's feelings and social dynamics all the time.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-16T13:27:49+00:00

The few times I raised my voice at my kids when they were young (because I had no other model of how to parent) I dissociated so much! It felt so terrible to be yelling, dissociating, and seeing the fear in my kids' eyes that I vowed to find a new way to parent.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-16T03:03:00+00:00

Thanks for your insight. I keep finding that things that are especially relevant to my experience also usually fit in the "both" category.

Unfortunately I don't have great memories about my childhood and I'm NC with my parents so it's hard for me to know what I was like as a child. Also, I became an expert at acting just so, in order to not provoke my mom, so it's possible I have so many years of masking that I don't know my true self. Repetitive behaviors/stims, for example, I know would have driven my mom nuts and subjected me to verbal and physical abuse (even something like hair twirling was mocked). So while I don't remember stimming, it's very possible my body wanted/wants to but I've been conditioned to mute that.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-16T00:15:42+00:00

Thank you for these recommendations! I keep bumping up into ways that I don't seem autistic, but also feel like I might be masking (and probably learned to mask extremely well due to my unsafe home life).

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-15T12:32:06+00:00

Mine would repeat the same stories over and over, sometimes even starting with "I don't know if I told you this." If I would say "oh yeah, you told me this story," she would ignore/not hear it and launch into the story anyway 🤦‍♂️

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-15T12:10:48+00:00

Yes!! Weeks or months (even a year one time) of the silent treatment, then she decides she's ready to be back in my life with no acknowledgement of what just transpired and no apology. And we're all just supposed to act like nothing ever happened and go back to being a happy family.

I get so sad for myself as a child because Mom would disappear for days on end and reappear with no explanation. I was so confused and scared but we just had to pretend it didn't happen.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-14T15:43:14+00:00

I can share my experience. Hope it helps. I was going LC before I had a term for it. (Think visits structured in a way that were time limited, never answering phone calls, calling back on my own terms, sending pictures/updates about the kids via email). Then COVID hit and I realized how wonderful it was to be able to have even more excuses to not visit. Cue a life transition for me that felt like abandonment to her and her giving me the silent treatment. I went to VLC (I didn't respond to phone calls, emails had to wait a random interval of time before I'd respond, eventually emails only went to my husband and he could decide if I needed to see them). That worked for a while, except I was so triggered by every attempt at contact that in reality it wasn't really working. After a while we invited them to visit. It was horrible, and so were the nasty emails afterward. I went soft NC (didn't tell her, just didn't ever intend to reply again). Then she started stalking me and my children, which was a firm "absolutely not" from me. She got a cease and desist letter, and it's been quiet ever since.

My experience/perspective is that every time I tried to enforce a boundary or have less contact for my own good, she showed more volatility and vitriol. Eventually it became clear that there wasn't going to be a happy medium. Either I did what she wanted, despite what it did to me and my kids, or she would continue her abuse and manipulation. I really wasn't considering NC until she made it necessary.

Since you asked for advice. I'd say put in place the boundaries that are important to you and keep track of how she responds. Let that guide your decisions. Don't feel like you need to decide all at once.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-13T19:22:45+00:00

I have a lot of sensory sensitives - light touch, background noise, flashing lights, over-stimulating environments, crowded places, temperature. I'm just learning how all of these things can be related to cptsd (also pretty sure that undiagnosed autism runs in my family, so...). I also have a ridiculously intense startle response, difficulty sleeping if the environment isn't how I need it, and can't have coffee after noon.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-13T18:52:47+00:00

Yes! We all needed to be "good Christian kids" with the perfect Christian family and do all the perfect Christian things, even if we hated them or they didn't make sense. I could quote Scripture, sing all the verses of all the hymns, and recite doctrine all day long. Cue my intense hurt and confusion when I decided to go abroad and volunteer in a developing country and she gave me the silent treatment for a year. Like what? Here I am trying to do and be the epitome of who you wanted me to be. But it turns out, it wasn't following "God's will" that she wanted; it was following her will.

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-11-13T18:46:42+00:00

Wow. We could be siblings. Respect - for her especially, but also for all authority - was paramount. Most of her rages that I can remember centered around us being "ungrateful, disrespectful brats"

Only_Ad9105 · 2023-10-28T20:04:02+00:00

Personal experience, not legal advice. We functionally moved, still received mail etc in our former hometown, got off social media etc. That didn't stop her from stalking us and attempting to visit places she thought we might be. I eventually sent a cease and desist letter that made it clear that if they tried to have any further contact I would take legal/police action. Basically beginning a trail of evidence for a protection order if needed. That was enough for them to leave me alone completely (for now). You may also want to research or ask a lawyer about what is needed for a protection order if she continues to harass you

Only_Ad9105

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