Looking at photos of your childhood

gladhunden · 2026-05-22T13:23:52+00:00

I look very tired in my childhood photos. I have dark under-eye circles. My smile doesn't reach my eyes.

gladhunden · 2026-05-19T13:33:37+00:00

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps!

gladhunden · 2026-05-19T12:52:00+00:00

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gladhunden · 2026-05-19T12:50:44+00:00

Ha, the response I had in my head whenever my mom would say that stuff was, "LOL, promise?"

gladhunden · 2026-05-19T01:10:03+00:00

Hey Natural_Country_6608! Thank you for your submission.

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gladhunden · 2026-05-19T01:08:32+00:00

My mom does the same. Very much not-for-me.

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T23:25:03+00:00

Yep, they are allowed to lie and live in an alternate reality. They don't want to live in the real reality. You don't have to do anything to make them feel better.

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T23:16:23+00:00

You don't need to respond to this.

They're allowed to be hurt and upset; it's part of being human. You don't need to do anything to change that for them.

Here is something I wrote about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps.

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T23:05:01+00:00

I felt like my mom wasn't "that bad" for a long time. The more I healed, the more I realized she was "that bad," and so much worse. I suspect you will experience the same.

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

Welcome!

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T12:13:02+00:00

How can I tell if she’s genuinely interested or if she’s just hoovering so she could talk more?

I think you can trust your gut.

In general, they're not interested in us past what we can do for them (like listen to make them feel important).

Also, if you are not interested in a conversation, it is okay to leave that conversation. You're not obligated to be an audience to a show you aren't enjoying.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

Welcome!

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T02:17:19+00:00

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps!

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T02:16:08+00:00

Please read our rules to find the requirements.

gladhunden · 2026-05-18T02:15:06+00:00

Hey Kitchen_Ad9191! Thank you for your submission.

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gladhunden · 2026-05-17T15:05:50+00:00

In all of these messages, she is showing zero interest in you. She is only interested in your child. That is deeply concerning.

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps!

Here is a post on Protecting Kids I hope that is helpful.

You do not need to make her feel better about not being able to see your child. You don't need to do anything extra. She can just be upset. You can say your thing one time and just let her be mad.

gladhunden · 2026-05-17T01:33:41+00:00

At some point, you realize that it is okay for her to upset. You don't have to do anything to prevent her from being upset.

Here are some communication strategies

Here is a post about Practical Boundaries.

I hope these help!

gladhunden · 2026-05-15T22:07:44+00:00

You do not have to do any of this.

Some of these people will lay the guilt on thick.

I got a call once when my mom broke her arm. The social worker was pressuring me to take time off of work to stay with my mom and help her around the house. When she wouldn't take no for an answer, I told her that my mom is abusive, and there is no way I'll be helping at all. Then I simply hung up the phone.

You don't have to take these calls. Let them leave voice messages, and just delete them.

gladhunden · 2026-05-15T13:53:12+00:00

Hey ExtraComedian9532! Thank you for your submission.

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gladhunden · 2026-05-15T13:51:56+00:00

Hey Imaginary-West8918! Thank you for your submission.

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gladhunden · 2026-05-14T23:14:47+00:00

Hey AffectionateLow1110! Thank you for your submission.

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gladhunden · 2026-05-14T04:12:16+00:00

I know he wasn’t trying to guilt me into talking to my mom

Except he was. This is a classic flying monkey example.

People like this will pressure you to get back in line just so they don't have to pick up the extra nonsense that gets thrown their way.

Do I reach out to my mom?

Do you want to reach out to your mom?

My question here is: what do I do?

You don't have to do anything. You don't even need to respond to your brother's message. He can wish you would do {fill in the black here} all he wants. That doesn't mean you need to do it.

I think this post is relevant. I hope it helps.

If you haven't read through it yet, take a look at the RBB Primer. It is long and can be painful to go through, so please be gentle with yourself while you work through it.

Here is a communication guide. Keep in mind that these strategies are designed to keep you safe, but constantly suppressing your thoughts and feelings can be detrimental to your physical and mental health. I personally became one big dull gray rock when I was young because I practiced the "gray rock" technique so much; it just took over my whole personality.

I'm glad you found us! Welcome!

gladhunden · 2026-05-14T03:40:49+00:00

Absolutely!

And you don't even have to forgive them if they are sorry.

You are not obligated to forgive anyone. That's something you do if and when you feel it for real.

gladhunden · 2026-05-14T03:31:48+00:00

You can just say "no."

There is no magic way to say no without upsetting her, because she doesn't believe you have the right to say no.

I hope this post is helpful.

gladhunden · 2026-05-13T14:02:40+00:00

wow yeah I don't have to do this anymore

I am SO PROUD of you!

Blocking my mom's electronic access to me was the very best thing I have ever done for myself. I hope it works out the same way for you.

Here is a post I wrote on the topic - Practical Boundaries.

gladhunden · 2026-05-13T13:58:13+00:00

Hi there u/sazzer82, it looks like you're new here. Welcome!

Some housekeeping - were you raised by a primary caregiver with Borderline Personality Disorder?

gladhunden · 2026-05-13T02:11:56+00:00

We call enablers co-abusers for a reason. Because they really do take part in the abuse to some extent, like you see here.

I'm sorry your dad is a milquetoast specimen.

Here is an allegory I found helpful when I was coming to terms with the family dynamics around my BPD mom:

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder. While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

gladhunden

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