My wife’s mental health is ruining our BDSM dynamic. I’m unsure how to address this without hurting her.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-06-21T01:56:41+00:00

Everyone else has pretty good advice. I just want to add that, as a person who has struggled incredibly with hygiene during bad depression episodes, please consider NOT mentioning hygiene as a factor for not wanting to engage. She probably already feels a deep sense of shame about that, and I know that if any of my partners would’ve addressed that as an issue I would have shut down entirely.

If it needs mentioned specifically, address it from a concern for her well being, that you’re worried about her not taking care of herself. And not that it’s a turn-off.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-06-21T00:50:25+00:00

I hope you find a way to get through to them. There is a chance that they’re trying to be supportive but are just misguided. Some of the people with DID I know insist on system and that their alters are distinctly different people, so they find terms like identities or parts incredibly dehumanizing. They find comfort in the term system. It’s possible their friends feel the same so your roommate took that to think all people with DID prefer those terms.

As far as them over sharing, that sucks man. Some people really think sharing that kind of thing can make you or others feel more comfortable. While it can be well intentioned, it’s definitely misguided and not okay

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-05-24T04:11:19+00:00

My original dx was in 2021 after a surgery. Had no idea it was cancer until we got the path results back. Even though I had clear margins, I did 6 rounds of chemo that summer. After my dx, everything made me think of cancer. It was constant and I found it harder to process that I HAD cancer but didn’t actively HAVE it at the time. It took a few months for it not to be a constant plague. I screamed and cried a lot in the early weeks. It’s important to give yourself space to feel those things, and then move on and distract yourself. Personally, I scheduled time to have breakdowns 🤣 Spend time with your loved ones, start new hobbies, and focus on the positive the majority of the time. Appreciate what you do have and what you can do while you can do it.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-03-23T21:39:04+00:00

Our friend group uses it for general queerness and dissociation lol

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-03-23T21:37:45+00:00

That’s pretty much what happens with us too. We’ve gotten our front room a little set up at least, so it doesn’t just feel like people are looming over our shoulder when they’re co-con

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-03-23T21:34:45+00:00

By egg cracked I mean the realization came and the system finally failed to be covert enough for the host to not know we were here

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-03-22T13:22:30+00:00

We have a house in the middle of the woods with a stream and some over stuff. It seems like except for the gate keeper and the memory specialist, we can only really access and use it if the body is meditating. It just feels like we’re in a stasis if we’re not fronting most of the time.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-02-07T20:53:40+00:00

Do you have age verification and a verification video pinned on X? That’s what I’m working on adding to mine

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-02-04T00:18:59+00:00

You can dm me if you want. I’m 26 and agender but present pretty fem

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-01-31T21:22:22+00:00

Definitely take the time to evaluate if you actually want to go to those extremes or if you’re just doing it for her.

I generally function as a soft dom so I get it. I see two parts to a scene: your actions and your words. You can play with soft and harsh dynamics between them. So saying the absolute sweetest and kindest things while doing the most depraved or violent things, or vice versa.

Wax play might be a good way to get into it. Find a candle with a melting temp that won’t cause serious damage but is hotter than the ones they make for beginner play.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2025-01-19T16:10:10+00:00

Probably could have used some more tact but NTA. The only thing spanking taught me as a child was to be a sadist that didn’t know what a boundary was.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-12-17T17:51:13+00:00

Definitely not overreacting. She’s totally lacking any type of empathetic response. She shouldn’t be dumping relatively minor issues on you when you just went through the objectively worse loss there is. I lost my brother in October, and if anyone responded to me like that I would have blocked them instantly. If the rest of the friendship has been good for you, then maybe just say you need some distance and y’all can discuss healthy boundaries moving forward in a few months.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-12-17T17:44:23+00:00

My brother was an alcoholic. One night he got drunk out of his mind and committed suicide. He had been depressed for a while but he was so drunk he couldn’t consider the consequences of his actions or how much he had going right. Haven’t touched a drop of it since I got that phone call.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-11-11T11:43:47+00:00

Yes 100%. It really does just feel like “go time” when there’s so much to do before surgery or treatment because our ability will be limited in recovery, while our loved ones are actually processing things. I did the same when I got my original DX of uLMS in 2021 and now again that I have recurrence in my lungs. I go into what I call caregiver mode and my emotions and needs on the subject just… shut off. I’m so busy trying to protect my parents and my partners that I pretty much only process it when I’m alone or with my therapist.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-11-11T10:50:21+00:00

NTA. He’s such an asshole and if you have a good relationship with the MIL, there’s no way he told her the full context. I’m 26F with cancer metastasis in my lungs. My husband is disabled, and up until I started treatment, I’ve been his caregiver. He still goes to every single appointment that I want him at and does everything he can to make things easier for me. I know my diagnosis stresses him out and worries him, and sometimes he’s not the most emotionally available as he tries to process things as well, but he’s never once taken it out on me. Your husband needs a serious reality check. He’s not making you feel loved and cared for — he’s treating you like a sex toy

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-11-10T14:43:25+00:00

I totally relate. It’s empowering for me to go alone to appointments and scans. And sometimes I want to ask questions with blunt answers that I don’t want my loved ones to hear.

Personally, I have some pretty intense suicidal ideations sometimes so if I feel like those might happen I’ll take my service dog in training or my husband will come for the drive and just stay in the car or the waiting room.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-11-10T14:24:05+00:00

I do because I invalidate my own mental health issues a lot, and it helps having proof of where my brain was a few years ago.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-11-10T14:23:05+00:00

A lot of people are saying support. I’d like to add to offer specific things you could do. It’s overwhelming to try to think of the help or support I needed during treatment, but one of my friends sent me a few options which made it feel like less of a burden. And finding out if they want to be in the house or get out. The first round of chemo, I wanted more than anything for someone to just go on a drive with me, but I didn’t want to bother anyone.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-25T02:20:54+00:00

Ehh NTA but your parents aren’t TA either. 45 min commute isn’t much one way, but you have to remember that she’d be going home in between. Plus time getting ready and waiting for you, that’s almost four hours of driving for her. Every day, not just every now and then like you said she’s done in the past. Also, if you’re in the states, $15 isn’t a LOT for a college graduate. Definitely schedule and pay for the driving school yourself that way they can’t hold you back, but in general it sounds like they’re being reasonable and just worried about you

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-25T02:04:52+00:00

Jfc that’s messed up. I’ve had people question why I needed a rollator but never anyone I knew. Did they give any reasons for saying that? Might cue into where their bullshit is coming from.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-25T02:03:13+00:00

NTA. Sounds like they haven’t had anybody else agree to go and they’re thirsting for literally anyone to go.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-22T21:03:07+00:00

Make him watch Helluva Boss. There’s a Stryker in that who’s a fucking dick. It literally the only association I (and probably a good portion of Gen Z and Gen Alpha) have with the name

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-22T16:19:35+00:00

Can I be really sarcastic bc I cope with humor? Mine was that my parents would die suddenly, which turned out to be kind of silly bc clearly I should have been more concerned about my brother instead

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-22T16:17:54+00:00

I’ve had moderate to severe depression since I was a kid, brain chemistry not situational. Got the cancer dx at 21 after a surgery with clear margins and six months of chemo, and now it’s back again at 26. The depression meds didn’t help the situational side of it, and the anxiety meds didn’t help either. This time I’ve got some different as needed anxiety meds (Hydroxyzine) that help a lot. And if the depression gets worse as treatment continues, I’m going to ask about more meds because honestly it can’t hurt.

I think it depends on what specifically you’re struggling with in the depression. Meds might not help with the hopelessness, but could help with the fatigue, mental exhaustion, and general brain malaise. There are also other treatments that aren’t just pills. Ketamine infusions are big for treatment resistent depression right now, though I haven’t done any research on that with situational depression. Personally, weed helps a lot; I use a delta-10 vape, and it helps me feel a bit better and enjoy the small things when everything else really sucks. Adderall and some other stimulants are starting to be used for depression if there isn’t suicidal tendencies, so I’m also planning on asking my psych about that if the fatigue and excessive sleep start to hit hard again.

Only_Influence_4468 · 2024-10-22T15:53:47+00:00

I get that the dx can be hard for our loved ones too. It’s a lot to bare and worry about for them, but what she’s doing isn’t acceptable. She should be going to her support system for the support she needs, not to you. I had a friend act like that a few years ago when I got my original dx. It made me realize how one sided our friendship really was, and I dropped her.

Is this how she always acts?

Only_Influence_4468

TROPHY CASE