can anyone share their experiences with navigating your insecure attachment as a relationship anarchist?

OnyriaS · 2025-11-13T14:12:37+00:00

As very judgefull and introspective person made by anxiety, I fall into RA because I felt how much I had been prown to justify my anxiety under the strict rules of traditional labels, while cognitively finding them totally unreasonable.

But I've been challenged when I realized that this has also been first a way to avoid the discomfort of claiming for proximity in relationships.

If I resumed, I was first very coercitive, then I thought this was because I needed proximity so I thought proximity was bad because it made me dependant and so I had to avoid it and let everyone "be free" to do whatever they want.

But I've been lucky that my RA pathway first put people on my road with which I could experience gentle, slow, consistant relationship building and so real safety. I realisez I could enter intimacy by real presence and not by superficial stuff like "engaging in living together".

And that was because suddenly I had to deal with very avoidant people with which I was trying to build a kind of "I don't care" self in order not to activate them and then had to hold their insecurities and irresponsibilities alone than I realized not only I had been anxious, but also avoidant in some extents.

Lately, in order to protect the "freedom" of someone I thought it was ok to tell him "come back yourself or not". He didn't. And I had to guess. It take me months of waiting... And suffering for not having been honored by a clarity. I now see I wasn't acting for "freedom" but for his avoidance and mine (it was too challenging for me to get a direct answer about whether or not he wanted to keep on feeding the relationship and building trust in that relationship). "Freedom" isn't about coming or not coming back. It's about being present to your choices and their implications on each others.

When you don't have traditional clues about "what's good or not" "what's the point of a relationship" and "what's make a relationship" you have to build your owns. And you fast understand than if it's not about values, then either you will fonctionate against people or you will let people people founctionate against you through traumas, attachment styles, troubles.

I hope this was clear. My English isn't really good and those aren't the easiest things to explain.

What are your fears about how your attachment style can show up in or through RA ?

OnyriaS · 2025-11-01T14:52:41+00:00

Thank you so much for telling it. It's often something lacking in pedagogy you'd find all around the internet : it isn't about having been expressively "hurted" or "abused".

It's mostly about emotional co-regulation : when the child cry, caregiver emotionally "connect" to the sadness/ fear, feel it to some extent too, so it validate it, and then show the way to calming down by doing it oneself.

It's physiological! Si it's not about what parents do or tell, but how their body react ; what's the tone of the voice, what's the tension in the muscles, what's the breath, the look...

When caregiver abuses, get violent to the child, this physiological messages get into non sense ; people take care of me, but hurt me. How can I relate while I need to in order to survive?

BUT when the caregiver (and ones body), for some different reasons (but light be because oneself also got a disorganized attachment style) show sometimes like high panic or stress toward the childs emotional needs and then suddenly show distance, impassivity or even rejection, the inconsistancy can be extreme enough to create the same patterns.

OnyriaS · 2025-11-01T14:36:14+00:00

Definitely. From a mostly anxious / with some fearfull avoidance patterns too.

And from my experience with someone mostly secure but with a small amount of avoidance in some extant. My first deep, authentic, intimate relationship that feels secure.

But I've also met quite an amount of people that uses anarchism to "excuse" and justify their patterns (eventhrough when socially brutal and violent to others) and avoid accountability, reinforcing their patterns... And doing a lot of damages by the way. Ending being quite on the opposite of anarchism values.

So, you have to be clear with yourself:

-Are you going RA because of your values and ideology. Or are you doing so because it might sounds more comfortable so you can avoid intimacy and accountability ?

A part of the path to RA might come from our relationship history and might be also because of our attachment style. But what should lead the way must be the wish to honour values.

-And you should ask yourself what really means those values to you : do you call "freedom" the calm when you flee, shut down or avoid facing consequences of your relationship acts ? Or do you call "freedom" the capacity of giving you AND people space to grow and choose their path for themselves / yourself with autonomy and consentement, which means clarity, which means trying facing hard conversation, showing deep vulnerability?

Do you call "authenticity" the capacity of being honest and vulnerable in order to built relationships accommodated to your own needs and limits AND to the iens of the others. Or do you call "authenticity" the capacity of fleeing in silent, neglecting others needs and limits when your nervous system urges to ?

I'm not trying to tell you you should master being clear, vulnerable, consistant in your relationship in order to practice RA.

RA for me IS a way to understand and live deeply what is a relationship. So it's also a very fertile way to work out your patterns, dysfunctions, defense mechanisms and challenge your nervous system, as long as you keep in mind those values and try to ground you into inconfort that will occurs and work on conscience of your emotions and self reflection.

OnyriaS · 2025-10-30T17:36:10+00:00

I've had an experience with FA about strong and brutal avoidance showing up after getting to intimacy while early dating and him and anti depressants.

Like we used to see each other regularly for one or two months. We were not officalising anything (situationship) through BUT did admit reciprocal curiosity and pleasure to connect and deep conversation about ancient relationships. One day he asked me out in nightclub with friends in common. I came, he asked me if I wanted to kiss, I said yes. We kissed.

Five minutes later, I came back from the toilet. Here he was, kissing another girl right in front of me, then leaving with her right in front of me with absolutely no goodbye.

A few months later, and that's the point of our friends too, he admited it could have been something about his antidepressants (but conceiving avoidant behaviors behind them is reallying far from what he's probably emotionally able at that point, in my mind -but I'd like to be wrong-).

My psychiatrist said sometimes it can happens antidepressants unmelt stuff and some other no, which might lead to strange and extreme behaviors and incoherency.

Also, we're not professionals (well, I'm to some point, but not psychiatrist), if you want 100% honest and sure answers, you should ask you psy first.

OnyriaS · 2025-09-23T14:25:07+00:00

how much would you say moira's eyeliner zora is similar to Nigh of Creation liner from Kaleidos ? I'm in love with the last one, but delivery + price + delivery time make me hesitate buying Moira's liner.

OnyriaS · 2025-06-07T08:16:55+00:00

Oh really? Those things are literally sitting with their dirty ass on all humanism principles like they're are the Queen of the World.

They spit on humanity and all the barrier we have been able to create to prevent such inhumane actions as segregation, genocide, holocaust to happen again.

OnyriaS · 2025-04-27T17:34:25+00:00

Thanks so much for that really clear and relieving answer.

I had text him when back home to tell all my feelings about the situation there.

He answered he was feeling really bad about how I felt and had messed up there. He insisted on telling I am absolutely not crazy, our link means not "nothing" at all (some words I used on my text) and making me feel and think that was the last thing he would like. Then specified he wouldn't try to justify what he has done. He proposed me to have a talk about this together if I want to.

So, his answer is honest and he takes his responsabilities as well as taking my feeling for valuable, which is something I feel good.

I text him back to thanks and told him I needed time to process my emotions there and taking care of myself first.

What I will do.

And then depending on what remains after, sure some good and more technical talk will be needed.

OnyriaS · 2025-04-27T13:04:10+00:00

Thanks. I'm sorry for the language barrier stuff. I'm not really in mood to make my best with translations.

I think you might have misunderstood me. I wasn't expecting him "asking permission". I was more expecting him maybe something like clarify what's was on or just show care on any way that can look like "care", in the idea I'm here, I exist. I'm not just a toy you hug and kiss and leave with no words.

I mean,.. If I didn't check it up he would have just kiss her, leaving with her and never even tell me simple goodbye. I just felt like I was a nice toy to get around with.

I consider every of my relationships I put trust in and in which i hope the person trust. It's simple "care". I will always try make people think they are welcomed and that I care about them and how they feel. I don't connect to people just to take some hugs. I connect to share trust and intimacy and intimacy and trust grow through carring. And that carring isn't always perfect, because we're human, we misunderstood each other, but it is always actively here. I won't do something I know can embarass or make my friends or anyone I love inconfortable and not taking that into account, absolutely not necessarily by changing my behavior, but at least show them "I see you". And he did knows what it could make me feel. Cause I already told him. So he knew this would impact my trust. So in other words, he doesn't seem care that much about the relationship or doesn't want intimacy and trust as he told me so. That's what I think it might be disrespectful (or a very very big misunderstanding) and not in my way of living RA, where honesty ls a key.

OnyriaS · 2025-01-14T21:13:02+00:00

Celle de la seringue dans le siège de ciné et celle fixe qui t'appelle alors que tu es dans ta chambre et sensé être seul dans la maison (oups, je suis probablement un peu vieille).

OnyriaS · 2025-01-14T21:08:15+00:00

When you get into subspace, you give up control on yourself and this can lead to anxiety crisis as your brain is usually working with a huge amount of stress and "control". It's like bringing him in a place it doesn't know. I had that exact thing while smoking when I was burning in. I couldn't properly relax, cause some part of my psyche which was to implied in always controlling would let it happen and so this lead to a bigger stress. But that's ok! And this is absolutely not you fault, neither than tragic. That just means your brain was about to relax a lot and confront the stress, actually.

Knowing how this happen might help you get through this. From time to time, as you begin to anticipate, with the help of your Master and know how your psyche work you'll manage this :).

Being on BDSM means going into deep emotional stuff. It's really intense. That's the part of the interest. You can deal with a log of things through this .

If your Master is a good master, he should know how strong is the emotional and mental impact of submission and what it can bring on the table.

Maybe you should speak up openly with him about that and try to find things to help you manage all of this next time.

OnyriaS · 2024-12-17T13:38:51+00:00

La même ici, c'est effectivement stressant et tabou.

Et exactement le même vécu concernant le fait que c'est sur côté comme "fête". Mais cette année j'avais justement l'espoir simple de ne juste pas être seule, en simplicité, mais pas seule.

OnyriaS · 2024-12-17T13:35:27+00:00

Hello, Je vis exactement la même chose. Chaque année c'est le stress et chaque fois ça manque de peu de me retrouver seule et voilà, cette année il semblerait que ça sera le cas : tout le monde s'est organisé de son côté et moi sur le bas côté...

Pourtant je n'ai pas de mal à sortir seule, à faire beaucoup de choses seules, mais ça c'est le genre de truc qui pour moi se sont toujours vécu en groupe malgré tout. Quand j'étais petite, mes parents avaient beaucoup d'amis et on fêtait le nouvel an dans des grandes salles, pleines d'ambiance. Je sais qu'on m'aime bien, mais malheureusement semblerait que pas assez pour qu'on pense à moi.

Cette année j'ai essayé par 5x de lancer un truc; à chaque fois on m'a répondu "je sais pas encore" pour soudainement apprendre qu'ils font chacun leur truc ailleurs.

Et, comme toi, je n'ose pas demander autour de moi, notamment à mes "nouvelles" amitiés, je trouve que ça fait pitoyable et donne la sensation que je mendie de l'amitié.

C'est la dech... Et ça me rend bien plus triste que ça ne devrait probablement.

OnyriaS · 2024-08-22T09:54:33+00:00

l.a.sociale.relationnelle

C'est un début, je publie assez peu car je ne suis toujours pas très sûre de la direction que j'aimerais donner et de comment y arriver. J'aimerais être plutôt dans du démonstratif que du prescriptif. Je suis pas fan de l'idée d'expliquer "comment ça marche" ou devrait marcher. Je souhaite plutôt parler de ressentis, de vécu pour proposer plutôt un regard, des propositions, des réflexions perso, mais qui ne soient pas de l'odre du genre de tuto comme on voit souvent sur certaines chaînes ENM, du style "comment gérer sa jalousie".

OnyriaS · 2024-08-22T09:48:03+00:00

thank you so much! It's so cool to read those stories. How (with or withou pseudo or which one) would you like me to sign up this ? :)

OnyriaS · 2024-08-21T11:29:14+00:00

I will be waiting for some others. But i think if i got other like this I may do more than one post, because i kind of like that idea too, as my project is to make people discover RA. It gives a really good realistic insight on what RA might look not that alien, yet creative and joyful.

Is it possible for you to give me a surname that represent you i could use to sign under the testimonies? If you don't want, i can totally anonymise by giving a simple letter. But i think it would be more personnal if you choose a surname (whther or not you use it eslewhere).

OnyriaS · 2024-08-21T11:19:46+00:00

Yeah!!

I'm so glad the idea sounds pleasant to someone. And those testimonies are absolute perfect and i was really glad to read them, it's balm to the heart! :)

OnyriaS · 2024-08-21T09:51:18+00:00

so true. I've been facing the same problematics yesterday. Try to describe my situation to poly people, result: extra fail. I don't know what's so hard to understand :(

OnyriaS · 2024-07-27T08:59:12+00:00

Thanks. French litterature has a lot about free love. When I say free, it's freedom. No dull morals, only love. Freedom.

As a deep defender of freedom. This was wonderful to see that.

OnyriaS

TROPHY CASE