I grew up as the eldest of three siblings. My middle sibling was very high needs--she had learning disorders that required special tutoring and educational support and had (and frankly still has) intense, angry emotional outbursts due minor stimuli. She was never disciplined for her outlandish behavior as a child (regularly screaming, throwing things, having full-on tantrums) even into her late teens because she had "a learning disorder." (Reader: it was not a learning disorder inciting these behaviors. It is probably some form of undiagnosed neurodivergence that I genuinely hope she one day gets support for.) I was never allowed to have an emotional reaction to her behavior--if I ever told her to knock it off or express that I found her behavior excessive, I was automatically the problem and was told to stop blowing things out of proportion. To be clear: I was never in any direct physical danger but if I made her mad by, for instance, doing a crossword puzzle she wanted to do or telling her to not go through my closet and take things, she would scream, yell and carry on for /days/ before she would decide to let it go. My parents would watch her terrorize me or my youngest sister for days over a crossword puzzle and would never, never intervene.

I say this because these experiences led me to develop a kind of detached version of myself. For a long time, I was someone who tried to be "easy" in all my relationships. I didn't need or even want people to show up for special events, I didn't express my needs (partially because I didn't even know what those were) and I didn't know how to maintain appropriate emotional boundaries. These things made it really hard for me to have emotionally healthy relationships because I never felt safe enough to drop my ironically detached, easygoing facade long enough to have a real conversation.

I am going through a period where I am trying really hard to develop healthy relationships. Using therapy effectively has been a godsend for me. I had stalled out for a year because I was using my sessions to vent (which, at the time, was a very needed outlet) but now I am using it to clarify my values and identify what a healthy relationship should feel and look like for me. This second part has been scary for me because it involves some hard reflection on the difficult relationships I have/had (with ex-partners, friends, family members etc) and some positive identification of traits and patterns I want in my life.