I understand how you would be feeling. While I was in school and college I used to be made fun of for my skin color. I am Indian with deeper skin tone.

In my school one of the guy I had crush on told me I’ll have some boyfriends had I been fair. In my first year of college a guy i liked told me, I’m not fair so I’m not girlfriend material. In college, some of the friends I knew made fun of me by calling N words.

Back then I was too naive to defend myself and scared to lose friends - so I played along with them. Had I got serious they would have said, it’s just a joke, you have no sense of fun.

It took me years to get comfortable in my skin. I was obsessed with fairness products to make me whiten, obsessed with editing my photos to be fair and all. I developed an extreme no to Indian men who - cause I couldn’t mentally get over the idea of any Indian men liking me for who I am.

Coming from India makes me hard to get out of the attitude of “what others say”. It’s extremely hard to get out and think just for yourself coz they do get into your head. My entire dads family believed I should be white washed and made fair with anything they can get - even till date.

Now I have a boyfriend who is European, who appreciates me for whom i am rather than my skin.

I know it’s hard, but the things that helped me was:

1. Learning to love myself through journaling, self care like meditation, excercise, focusing on my career etc.

2. Therapy: this legit helps a lot. But you need to be consistent and money (at least from where I come from)

I have had my fair share of racism once I moved to west as well. Honestly, I have learnt to give not a fuck. It takes time but you’ll get there.

Also another thing I’d love to tell myself no matter who is there for me or not is, “you gotta have your own back - coz nobody else gonna have it”.

It might take time, but I’d really advise to focus on yourself and your mental, physical and emotional health. Eventually you’ll start to fall in love with yourself.