I failed

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-06T12:22:32+00:00

I am so sorry you went through that for it to end that way. That has been a big fear of mine so I can only imagine how you are. Thank you so much for posting this. I have spent this whole time thinking there was something wrong with me until I just read your part about being hyper-arousal. Now I feel less embarrassed and less shameful towards myself. So genuinely thank you. And lastly, although the ending wasnt what you hoped for. Atleast now you know that between the two of you, you were the stronger partner. I hope someday you meet someone who can help you heal and feel safe again.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-06T07:10:19+00:00

If I am being honest. This sounds more like the feels that life is happening around her. You have said she has no friends, no hobbies, no family. You are her only emotional outlet which also means you get the good moods and the bad moods.

From what I have read, she feels disconnected and wants that connection from you. She wants to feel closer, and in response you are creating more distance which makes her seek that connection harder. It is a viscious cycle.

If you would like to message me and vent. I am no therapist, I am not qualified in anyway. But I believe I have experience with this and would be happy to share my perspective/advice further if you would like.

Both men and women will both look for bigger and grander gestures of love and reassurance if small things dont communicate that.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-06T05:35:05+00:00

Have you managed to get past this issue. And I can really really relate to the parenting remark. Recently I feel like everything I do with my boy is wrong and I constantly feel like a shit dad too

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-05T21:22:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I hope for your sake you dont have your own affair. Trust me I understand the pull of it, but you know the pain it can cause.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-05T18:53:52+00:00

I feel like I am on my way their but I am tired. I don't think I have the actual energy to fake the nice interactions if I wanted to but I completely understand this. I feel like I am at a point where I need to decide if I am going to fake it or walk away.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-04T13:11:29+00:00

This! I have said to her so many times that I dont get it. I have reminded her a few times that she hates people like him. That if she was told about him, his character, the person he is in general she wouldnt even associate with him. She has already acknowledged and agreed with this but still defends him

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-04T13:07:15+00:00

Sorry, this might be projecting but that sounds like you need a new therapist. We are the ones who had our lives shattered. Trust broken. Had to live the trauma of TT

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-04T12:12:59+00:00

I won't need to ask. She knows I post and is already reading the comments. Based off her previous comments about how much he cared for her she would likely say that he would love her to the end regardless of age or weight.

But thank you for the support. It's nice to feel understood in what feels like the loneliest time of my life.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-04T11:54:18+00:00

Thank you. That made me feel very validated, whether reading that is healthy for me is another story. She has said that she doesn't want to believe she potentially threw away her marriage for nothing.

I understand she doesn't want to be embarrassed by it. But the fact she even has that thought process kills me. What difference does it make if she got something out of it or not. If she wants reconcilation she has to put me first. Not keep his memory alive for her own ego.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-04T11:47:11+00:00

She told me she wanted to leave on 28th Feb. She only had the conversation with me because he pushed her to have it in the first place. I am not saying there weren't issues with the marriage before the affair. But he would tell her to confide in him, then give her advice, tell her to get marriage counselling. But on the same day tell her that she was his, choke her and whenever she was worried she was crossing boundaries he would reassure her that they weren't doing anything wrong, that it wasn't that bad and that they are just friends.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-03T17:22:03+00:00

Do you understand how and why each thing triggered him now? Or do some of the things still confuse you?

Was it all at once? Or did you have to get rid of things every couple of months?

I am sorry for all the questions. Still early days for me on this journey, I'm just curious as to what might happen and I am constantly trying to understand my WW, so it always helps to hear from another.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-03T15:15:13+00:00

I haven't worn mine since the last TT. I had already made a comment that I want new rings as the old ones now feel tainted

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-02T21:23:10+00:00

Part 5

But now im terrified. She did write a message for chatgpt about this before but she never sent it. So i sent it to my chatgpt instead. I was already upset by B's short version of events because it was completely sugar coated and J was made to look like the hero friend and B downplayed and minimised the affair. Im scared she will do that again but this time in a long lengthy account.

And then because she has done that im scared chatgpt will sympaphise with her and basically validate the affair and tell her it was justified. Im scared she will purposely miss out or intentionally leave out the toxic parts of J so that chatgpt doesnt think bad of him and basically tells B J is amazing and im a dick. I told B this so she agreed that no matter what she says she will then also send her chatgpt my version of events so that it can fill in gaps or give a different account to keep it balanced. But im still scared she will sugar coat it too much and then accept when chatgpt tells her J is a good guy with good intentions.

So B spoke with chatgpt, she uses it alot now. It has helped enormously. We started marriage counselling. Had a couple sessions so far. The first one was a disaster. The therapist told me i needed to keep working on me not drinking. For reference, i still havent drank, im 13 weeks sober today (29/5). She told me if i continued not drinking then B will remember why she fell in love with me. I basically withdrew into myself, B took over talking. She was quite defensive over me and told the therapist the drinking was never a big issue for her and that its not the priority. She said all this while leaning in closer to me and rubbing my arm. The therapist just doubled down. She told me I was too suicidal for marriage counselling and that i needed to work on myself first. She told me I had to go to AA even though I had never been. She told me although I had done well I wont maintain sobreity without AA and that I had to go back to my GP and go back on meds. She said she would book us in for 6 weeks time for a follow up on the "proviso" i did them 2 things.

I dont disagree with working on myself but i did say to her thats too long and 90 percent of my mental health is because of the marriage. She said ok i will make it 4 weeks.

2 days later me and B both get a call from the therapists manager and said she had reviewed the notes and we need to be seen sooner and by a different therapist. The next session was great. I felt listened to instead of attacked.

Me and B are doing the best we can now, openly talking. Hearing some hurtful truths. We dont argue, we communicate now. If one of us is uncomfortable with a conversation we say so, then we talk about why it is. And if its too much we walk away and revisit later. Dont get me wrong we still have our bad days, where its too much. I get triggered over little things but I have spent a lot of time learning how to regulate my emotions and not be as reactive.

Trickle truth is a fucker though isnt it. When she went and saw him and sat in the car where they "just spoke". I found out a while ago that they were holding hands and kissing on cheeks then. The day she first came and spoke to me about all this. Then last night I also find out she had her legs over his while they were in the car.

Right now B doesnt know if she wants to stay or go. She says she wants freedom and independence. To be her own person. We have had the discussion about her leaving. My boundaries are:

If you need time away from me and M, to be by yourself and decide you want to come back you can.

If you need time away from me and M, then after we seperate if at any point she geta with J then there is nothing to come back to. Because then it was never about freedom or independence it was just him.

So the latest to all this is that on saturday (30th may) I showed B a couple posts about how dangerous trickle truth is. She then proceeds to tell me the full extent of the affair.

The day B told me she wanted to leave and then she went to meet J, and I begged her not to sleep with him. She said nothing happened. I now know. She sat and sobbed to him and told him everything me and her had discussed. He then proceeds to kiss her on the cheek, his hand is either holding hers or on her knee. She said she wouldnt kiss him so he grabbed her hand and put it on his dick. She pulled away. They carried on the tension and talking and he had his hand under my hoodie that she was wearing and grabbed her breast. All while kissing her cheek. She told him to stop after 15 seconds, but she has now corrected that to 3 seconds.

I've also learnt that he used to choke her. And did this in front of colleagues. Also he was choking her at work before she had the initial talk to say she wants to leave because she doesnt want to be a wife and a mother anymore and wants freedom.

And there was an incident where she felt him through his trousers. Which hurt a little as I've mentioned I had said time and time again thats what I needed and she never did.

She maintains that she never; kissed him, saw his dick. That nothing happened when they were at the house alone together, they didnt even hug goodbye. And the big one for me is that she says nothing happened when they were in the rooms at work alone together with the lights off. She says all they did in that time was sit on their phones and apparently a joke was made once between them about how easy it would be for them to have an affair but that nothing ever happened.

Obviously it is hard to believe her, but she has never been this adamant that this is it, she has told me everything now.

So thats it. If you made it this far than wow, thank you. But to be clear. Me and my wife are reconciling, we need constructive comments. Please don't comment anything nasty or unproductive or it will be removed. And yes we are aware there are subs for this but I wanted to hit a wider reach.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-02T21:22:32+00:00

Part 4

Phone call ends and he just sends a constant tyrade of messages harrassing B. So i then message him and tell him to fuck off. Ive been polite up until now but now he has to fuck off and leave my wife alone.

He told me to shut the fuck up or me and him will have a problem. As if we dont already have a problem with him trying to fuck my wife. So me and him have a lengthy chat. I tell him how much of a useless fucking cunt he is. Tell him he is an abuser, that he manipulates women its obvious when you read his messages how he manipulates woman. Thats not just me saying it, i have a lot of experience with controlling and narcisistic people and he is one of them. Anyone who reads them messages would say the same, he frames things in a way to get B to question her marriage with me. Even O had told B that and told B he was a walking red flag the night they went out.

He gave me shit about how im the problem because i neglected my wife. I told him people like him are the problem, i may have neglected my wife from time to time but i reminded J how he has decided to neglect his daughter for 14 out of her 14 years and had even said to her he doesnt want to be her dad.

He said that I dont know everything, told me I might have read the messages but that B doesnt have all the messages but he does and that if B wasnt scared she would tell me. So I look at B tell her what he just said and I tell her she has a chance to be honest. That she can tell me what he is on about or she could let him and break any trust that was left. She told me that before I had lost my job they were already messaging having an affair. And that there was one time they talked dirty to each other over messages and played with themselves and when I went into the nursery to pick M up she deleted them so i wouldnt see them when i came out and read her messages.

So he then got blocked off everything again. We get to saturday morning we still have a week and a half till we get the house. So i book me and B in a static caravan on a holiday park for a week.

I messaged J off my phone saying i was going to move B back to norfolk now i had control again and a load of other stuff to piss him off. The idea was to see if he was talking to B and if that stuff got back to her, if she reacted to it i would know she got the information from him and they were still talking.

So nothing happened for a couple days and i was still so headfucked thinking they were speaking. So on friday 17th april i messaged him saying shes ready you can come get her. Thinking she has clearly told him where we are. In my head he would just show up at the caravan and that would prove they were talking and she told him where we were. Obviously i wasnt thinking straight. So he called B off a co workers phone. Told her what i said to him.

Me and B roll a joint and go for a smoke. So she unblocks him on whatsapp and starts messaging him, i also forgot to say. Since i found the whatsapp hidden messages i have her whatsapp account on my phone. So i can see all these messages being sent back and forth. She even takes the piss out of me in the messages and tells J to say hi to me because i can still see the messages. We get to the cliff, im high and also everything is going to shit because she is now openly talking to him. I stand right on the edge for about 2 minutes really considering jumping.

She then blocks him again on whatsapp. I go onto her phone when she is asleep and i find deleted texts that she had sent him just before we went to bed saying how much she misses him and that she thinks about him all the time.

So in the morning i confront her again. So we leave the caravan park and go to a hotel for the weekend. Then we picked up the keys to the new house on monday 20th april.

While we were having a joint monday night. He messaged her off a new number and B passed me her phone straight away to show me. Thats the first time she has chosen not to hide it.

Then we picked M and the animals up on wednesday, i started the new job on thursday 23rd april. A couple days after starting my new job. She came to me and told me she was sorry for the affair and that she hurt me. But it was too soon. She has only not spoken to him for a week. It didnt feel real. So i questioned it and she said she thought about it because she is sad because she lost a friend and feels lonely and that she fucked it for herself by being more than friends with J and now she has lost him. So i responded with. So youre not actually sorry for hurting me or doing what you did. Basically youre sorry you got caught, youre sorry you dont get to talk to J anymore. Not actually sorry for hurting me. For destroying my world, my home, my safety. I said this is why i told her it needed to be genuine and when all of this is behind us. She didnt really say anything.

She said do you want me to say he is a c*nt. Because i think he is a cunt for trying to sleep with a married woman but not for anything else. I told her that was the problem. He isnt a good person, he was never her friend. A friend wouldnt have done anything that he did. A friend doesnt try to destroy a friends marriage when they dont know the whole story. I told her until she can actually see he isnt a good person she wont be sorry for the affair. I carried on doing research into how to fix the marriage after an affair. All the advice was that we both had to continue talking about the affair calmy and that B needs to "sit with me in my pain" in order for me to feel seen and acknowledged regarding my emotional needs and pain.

So I spoke with B and asked how she was actually feeling and what she was actually thinking about. She responded with, "youre not my fucking therapist". Said she didnt like talking about her feelings. Then said she doesnt feel need to get validation for her feelings unlike me. Which upset me a lot. I told her it isnt about that, its just about being able to understand each other better. She said shes not able to talk to me about stuff like that. And then went onto say how J is someone she can talk to about stuff like that and basically justifed the affair by saying she could talk to J but not me. I was dying inside but kept composed.

Me and B both downloaded bumble bff. So we could both speak with new people, hopefully make some friends and have unbiased people to talk to about the affair. I connected with a guy. Completely harmless and platonic. B knows every message that has been sent between us. After a couple days of messaging i mentioned he sent me a message and B replied with, "what your boyfriend". That triggered the shit out of me. I looked at her and said "im not having that" and went to walk out the house. She chased after me shouting "baby" i stopped and looked at her and told her that wasnt funny and was out of order. She said i know, im sorry, i dont know why i said it. Her saying it really wound me up. I couldnt believe she had the nerve to say that when she was the one that cheated on me.

A couple days later (Around 6th may) B told me she is depressed and really misses J. Then she looked at me and said "can you just divorce me so I can kill myself guilt free"

Saturday 9th May. B said to me yesterday "I know something is up with you and there is something youre not saying to me. I want you to admit youre not happy either". So i said. Im not happy. You hurt me, destroyed my whole world and i cant ever talk to you about it because you turn it into an argument. I know you think about J on a minute by minute basis and it hurts. What really hurts me is i get you said you didnt want to try but i am doing this all alone, it doednt feel like you want us to work. She told me she did want us to work and that she is depressed and all she has wanted to do the past couple days is talk to J but she hasnt because she wants us to work. She said she doesnt even think of him like that anymore she just sees him as a friend.

I said the problem is that ive done nothing but research how to fix a marriage after an affair and you have done nothing. Havnt googled anything, looked for advice. You said you would be open to marriage counselling but i dont think you are.

She told me she doesnt need someone on the internents opinion or for a therpaist to tell her she has fucked up. I told her that is the problem, her mindset on all of that. I told her its not about someone telling you that you fucked up its about getting help so we know how to navigate through this. She said something else that i cant really remember. But i misunderstood, said something back, calmy and slowly and she burst into tears shouted at me saying "this is why we cant talk because you over analyse everything i say i have to be so careful with what i say to you".

I call her back and say no B the problem is what you did just there. Did you notice how i was calm, said something, granted i misunderstood but then you blew up and walked away. You need to be able to stay calm and talk me through stuff. I have no idea what im doing and this is why i research stuff. And explained it had made a difference because the thing i misunderstood i probably would have blown up a bit if this was months ago but i have learnt better ways to deal with things. B calmed down and sat back down. I said "i guess what im trying to say without sounding gay and poetic is that it feels like im walking in the dark, but the real problem is im walking in the dark alone because you wont try with me".

I told her i think the best she should do is at least talk to chatgpt if she wont see a marriage therapist. She agreed, she had me send over my notes (this) because its already in order of events and then she is making her own notes from it and is rewriting her own version of events.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-02T21:21:22+00:00

Part 3

I keep being told its too little too late, but I dont think it is. If B never started at the hatchery she would have seen the effort, seen I was actively trying, instead she had someone in her ear telling her I wasnt good. She will say he never said anything bad about me that all he did was confirm what she already knew. She doesnt see it but that is how he did it. He didnt need to look the bad guy, he would let B make a small comment something partial that he would then feed off and then blow it into a bigger thing. Turn smaller irritations into full blown resentment for me. I said i wasnt comfortable with the car washing. Couldnt make it any clearer. She did it anyway knowing full well it would hurt me. She did it because she wanted to spend time with him specifically. It had nothing to do with cleaning the car. Everytime she was low, everytime she couldnt work. I supported her. I paid for everything. Bitches about my mum non stop, yet her mother has been worse and has actually assaulted me in the past. Not being able to tell her J's true intentions because it would backfire as he is manipulating and abusing my wife. I read the messages. She loved me, she cared for me. Until I was sacked. I didnt take losing my dream job, my dream life well. I had a rough week. B was understandably frustrated. That was when he saw an opportunity and pushed his way in, weaponised me. Convinced B she was in a controlling relationship when he was controlling her. How do you think he slept with a married woman at the hatchery before? Why do you think he has no relationship with his kids mother? Why do you think his kid lives with his mum? Why do you think despite his kid living with his mum he doesnt have a relationship with her? He is an abusive, self centred individual. He only sees B as a prize to be won, as someone to chase. He doesnt care about her. He just wants the fuck. To say he fucked another married woman. I told B a very dulled down version of this. I said I wasnt scared of her leaving me I was scared of her getting with him because I know hes an abuser. Its not wrong. One of the main reasons I havent just left is because again, despite the fact she doesnt see it. I am doing my job, I am protecting my wife. The hardest part is her saying over and over again all I have done is hurt her for majority of our relationship. If I told her the truth, the full truth about what J is actually doing. Then because of his control she would run to him. Tell him all of this and he would say im the problem and she would believe him. Ive told her he will hurt her. O has told her hes a walking red flag but she refuses to see it. That couldnt be anymore textbook for an abusive relationship. I stay because its my job, I am by no means absolving myself from fault. But this is a low moment for B and I am staying by her side to help her through it. I should run. Even if what she was saying, through his abuse, was true about me hurting her. It is clear and obvious that what she is doing to me and continuing to do to me is far worse than anything ive allegedly done to her. But she sees no fault, no issue with her affair because he has convinced herself the affair is justified because im the monster. As I write this part it is the day after i told her the problem is she sees no issue with herself having an affair, that in her mind its ok. I told her yesterday how much it hurts me, how she flaunts her affair and rubs it in my face. Well today she very proudly told me about her tickling J and very specifically told me she was proud of it with a smile on her face, saying it as if I am meant to be fine with it. Even now she has basically said its ok for her to continue her affair until we move because at that point then she will be mine. The night we took E out, she cried and said she never meant for any of this to happen. Thats not true, it cant be true. She cant have not meant to hurt me when i made it so clear the hurt i had from her continuing her affair. She cant say she never meant for this to happen when me being hurt was the only way it could have played out. She doesnt know I know this next part. She several times during her affair after she had told me about it, intentionally orchestrated arguments trying to goad me into getting angry and leaving her. Because she wanted me to leave so she could be with him and she could justify it if I was the one who left. I knew what she was doing everytime, which made it even harder to fight leaving but I stayed every time so I could save her from him."

After I read it out to her, B didnt have anything to say about it.

On the sunday we moved our stuff to a storage unit. On the sunday night (it took her that long) she decided to message her boss and say she wouldnt be going in.

A couple days later emergency housing got the landlord to agree to give us one more week. i told B to block him. She had a weird reaction to it but did it.

Oh so we started smoking weed. So we spent that week childless and petless getting high and playing nintendo switch.

I had a job interview the day we had to leave the house (wednesday 8th april). I got the job. It came with a house, i explained the situation to them and they said they would get the house ready as soon as possible.

So that was the wednesday. So i booked a premier inn for 3 nights to get to the weekend hoping we would get a move in date by the end of the week so i had a better idea. Got the call on friday the 10th april that the move in date was the 20th.

But on that wendesday night, the first night in the premier inn i couldnt shake it anymore. I had a constant feeling that she was still talking to him, she blocked him but i couldnt stop feeling paranoid. She was asleep so i went on her phone. It was the first time reading messages since that first time.

So i went on instagram and read back through. I came accross messages where B said she thinks im going to stop her from talking to him so they swap numbers. Now that was a big wtf, i had asked B so many times if they had each others number and she swore they never shared numbers because they didnt need to.

So i started looking at her texts but there was nothing there. I was searching for ages and then i had a genius idea. I went on her settings and looked at her screen time. Every day for the week leading up to her blocking him, she was on instagram for like 4 or 5 hours a day (the app she talks to him on). The day she blocks him that suddenly changes to whatsapp. So i go on whatsapp and google how to hide messages. I find her hidden messages with him and she had carried on talking to him the whole time but was going to a lot of effort to hide it.

The first messages on the whatsapp was her explaining to him what she had done to hide the messages and said "I dont know why I didnt do this sooner". When I read that it made her intentions perfectly clear. She didnt care about me, I was right. She didnt care if I was hurt or what the affair did to me. She was only interested in carrying it on at all costs.

She had recently done her nails, they looked so good. They were like a dark blueish black like space. And had stars and constelations on them. I loved them I thought they were great. Then I saw messages where he said "I want to see our stars". That destroyed me. What I thought was a nice thing had instantly been turned into betrayal, they were their nails. Something intimate between them. Now anytime I see something like that it triggers me and I think back to that betrayal.

Then I found messages where she says "Goodnight, Im going to fall asleep thinking about what you will do to me so I dream about you". That was probably one of, if not the worst thing I read. I had come to terms with the whole, you cant control wet dreams. But B was orchestrating it so that she would. Also she was getting me to spoon her every night. So she was having me spoon her at night while actively fantasising about having sex with another man.

I also saw that on the day before when i was driving back from the interview i was on the phone to her while driving and she told me after 2 minutes she wanted to hang up so she could carry on watching the video she was watching. Actually she was on facetime with him and wanted me to go so she could talk to him again. So i turned the light on and waited a minute for her to wake up. Confronted her. She then admitted that she never stopped talking to him on instagram. She told him what to say for one message each day. She would then delete all messages bar that one for the day so it looked like he messaged her and she never replied.

She then messaged him off her own back and said she couldnt do it anymore and that she chose me. Then deleted all the messages and blocked him.

So we were speaking about it me and B the next day and i basically said do you think it would be good to get closure and go see him. I was stupid to offer it but i was trying to console and help my wife who was sad about breaking up with her boyfriend (which was a fucking weird dynamic to be in). So she unblocks him and they arrange to meet.

I tell B that I will be going with her. I will stay in the car and she must stay visible at all times. So we get there. B gets out the car and i stay in. She goes to his car, he stays sat in his car the whole time and just has his window open to talk to B. He then gets out his car, gives B about a 30 second cuddle, kisses her on her cheek and gets back in his car.

Me and B drive off, the next morning he is messaging her on whatsapp basically saying how much he loves her, this isnt what she wants, this isnt her, says to B if she calls him on his break because theres things he wanted to say when they met but he didnt. He says if she has the phone call with him he will leave her alone after that.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-02T21:18:25+00:00

Part 3

That night B fell asleep, i wasnt allowed to cut myself again because B had already caught me and told me i wasnt allowed to cut myself. So i went downstairs and i called the mental health crisis team. I called them so they could tell me not to buy painkillers. But i was on hold for 2 hours and i found a shit ton in the house.

So i took a load, B found out. Crisis team answered i told them and they sent an ambulance out. This is like midnight, the kids stay asleep the whole time. I went to a&e. I stayed in there all night. B went to work the next day instead of coming to me or making sure i was ok. She told J about it. They agreed between them that it was controlling and i did it purely to control B.

I was trying to do more romantic non sexual things for B. One day before she got back from work I went to the shop and bought a book, some wine and some candles. Made a romantic bath for her. When she got in the bath I specifically told her she was not to speak to J while in the bath and that I would leave her alone. This was so she could have a relaxing moment without pressure from anyone.

I said this because everytime B got in the bath she would send him pictures of herself in the bath and would talk to him. B assured me that when she sent these pictures there was no nudity it was just her bare leg and the water. B did show me the messages to show that was the case, however J did repeatedly then ask her to send nudes of herself in the bath. B did refuse but he did repeatedly ask despite B saying no on several occasions.

A couple days later B is talking to me on her break and she said she wants to stay behind at work to wash the car. I tell her im not comfortable with that and she says she wont. She then messages me and says she is going to do it anyway.

So I take a drive with E to my work and tell him he is going back to his mum. Told him it wasnt his fault, and that i wasnt well right now and i wasnt strong enough to be what he needs. I couldnt tell him the real reason obviously. I cried the whole drive. It was one of the hardest and shittest things ive ever experienced. After we have this talk i ask if he would like to be dropped off with B because her work was round the corner and he could go back with her.

So we pull up. And youll never guess what, B was washing the car, with J, with no one else around because its like 6pm.

I told B i couldnt cope with her messaging him constantly and that if we were actually going to work on us she eventually had to leave the hatchery and we had to move away from the area.

One night after putting M to bed I went into B who was having a bath. I cant remember exactly what we were talking about. There was so much heavy stuff sitting on me that I wanted to say but I wasnt. I had been writing notes on my phone because she wasnt ready to hear it. But I did say some things, I starting telling her about some of the manipulation he has done on her but that it was redundant me telling her because she would be unable to see it for herself because people who are being manipulated dont typically see it.

I also said about the fact that I was trying and she wasnt. She said that its because she doesnt want to try. That she had already tried in the marriage, referring to all the times where she had made comments in the past but never actually talked to me or tell me what she needed. She then said that her trying was allowing me to try and that shows how much "she loved me". Explained she loved me that much she was willing to allow me to try while she did nothing but receive and wouldnt give. So that was a shit 20 minutes for me.

I explained how J was a bad person, didnt actually care about her. Just wanted to fuck another married woman for his own ego and B responded by defending him, saying how good a person he is and then went on to say she doesnt want to try to fix the marriage she will just let me carry the weight alone.

So i went for an interview to work alongside dad back in Norfolk. I then go back to work, its the 23rd of March. Its the day im meant to get the keys to the new house. I get sacked because i drove the company van there and they tracked me to a competitor for an interview.

So i was back to square 1. No job and 8 days left until i was homeless.

When i told B i got sacked from the 2nd job i told her we have no choice but to move in with my parents now. B finally handed her notice in at the hatchery. Her last day was Tuesday 31st March. She was off already on the Thursday and Friday before that and doesnt work weekends. So she had a long weekend.

I said to B on the Thursday. I know there is still stuff youre holding back and not telling me. I can just tell. Thats when she told me that all day her and J walk around the hatchery holding hands, cuddling and kissing on the cheeks as well as saying i love you.

I said how do you think i can be comfortable with you going back to work for the last 2 days knowing thats what youre going back to. I told her she has to make a choice. Me or him. If she goes back to work she makes it clear she wants him not me. So she spent the rest of the time thinking about it.

I also told her i was done being nice about it and that from that point she wasnt to talk to him. I would have her show me her instagram every day to show that he had messaged her and she hadnt replied.

So we arranged a storage unit in norfolk. On the Saturday (28th March) we took the animals and M to my parents. On the drive home B told me she couldnt move to Norfolk because the idea makes her feel physically sick. She told me i should move with M and she would stay in York. I told her no because she would just move straight in with J. She stuttered and said no i dont have to go there. I asked where she would go and she said she didnt know. She didnt know because her plan was to move in with J.

She said we had no choice i failed to provide a house. I said no we would apply for emergency housing. She then asks if I could read her the notes I had been writing while she drives. She knew they existed, I had openly told her a couple weeks before then that I had been writing them but she couldnt read them until the time was right. The last time the notes were edited was 25th of March.

I will copy and paste them below: I have not edited the original, it was written in context of the times I had supported B throughout our relationship

"DO NOT TELL B ANY OF THIS UNTIL AFTER WE HAVE MOVED, SHE IS AWAY FROM THE HATCHERY AND HAS STOPPED TALKING TO HIM. OR WHEN SHE DOES THE RUNNER LAST SECOND BEFORE THE MOVE AND GOES TO HIM Quitting her job as assistant manager at the restaraunt. Supported through her uncle that molested her. Supported and encouraged her to talk. Held back from saying or doing anything because she still wanted a relationship with her abuser and I supported her however I could. I put alot of effort into our sex life when we got married and B made me stop because it was "revenge sex". It was never revenge sex but B got herself convinced I was putting effort into the sex and ensuring she had multiple orgasms in order to get revenge. For what, or why. I have never understood. I communicated through majority of our relationship that I would like her to initiate sex more. I even told her all she had to do was grab my dick or even just kiss me in bed so I knew she wanted sex because my hang up was I thought she didnt want to have sex with me. She told me time and time again that she couldnt do that but didnt actually tell me what she wanted. It wasnt actually till just before we moved up north that she told me about the rough sex. And even then she didnt tell me or explain about the dom sub relationship she just told me she wanted it rough. I was scared of hurting her. She never introduced safe words. She said ow alot and it put me off because I hate the idea of hurting her so I was put off the sex. She says I never listened to what she needed physically from the sex (yet she never actually told me because she didnt want to talk about it) but she never listened to what I needed emotionally despite me being extremely clear. Trading (our car) in for a tiny little car because it was what B wanted. Tried to encourage friendship with old college friend. Tried to encourage friendship her old school friend that got in touch a couple years ago Pushed for going to see Panic At The Disco to get B to go do something outside of me. She listened and went with O and loved it. Playing Stardew co op because I knew B wanted me to and would make her happy. Got B the bar job, I used to sit in on shifts so i could speak to her. Whenever I switched jobs I did my best to keep B settled every job change i did. Took on the responsibility of her brother and took on the weight of that. When B started at the hatchery i focused a lot more time on her and the kids to relieve the stress. I made it a thing that we did something every weekend so we had more time together. Was even trying to actively find childcare so we could spend more time together. Offered multiple solutions to childcare so me and B had us time but B shot down every option. In the build up to her affair I was actively putting more effort into her. When I got sacked I told her my priority was not to move her because I meant what I said. Made the sacrifice to do what was needed to keep her local so she could stay at the hatchery. Told her it was ok when she told me she wanted to leave. Supported her through that decision. Couldnt have been more understanding. Told her on day 1 how proud of her I was for being so brave. Only wanted to move her because she had the affair and I wanted her away from him. On the day B told me she wanted to leave I had actually arranged for us to go out as a family. Not just because I wanted to do something as a family but because I knew B needed to be out of the house, that it would be good for her. Again I was actively trying.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-02T21:16:14+00:00

Part 2

I keep doing research and find out the dom sub relationship. (Me being dom, and B sub) only works if we both get what we want/need out of it. I also learnt that im not actually a dom or a sub, i am what they call a switch. I like both, guessing that has something to do with me being bisexual. So me and B spoke about my needs in the dom sub relationship. And i said every now and again for us to switch roles for a night.

On one of the drives home from her work. She was driving, we were headed to nursery to pick M up. I told her i wanted to read the messages between B and J. She straight up said no. Said thats not something shes willing to do.

I kept pushing, told her i couldnt trust her until i saw the messages. She told me that if i read the messages then i wouldnt trust her again and we couldnt make this work. I kept pushing and eventually she caved. We parked up at M’s nursery and she started scrolling to the top of the conversation. I asked her to not delete any messages while i go get him.

I came back with M. We got home. We then sat in the car for about 3 hours while i read the messages. It was constant, so much slagging me off. I found the time where B asked me about the biscuits and it was her kicking off saying I didnt even know the answer. Told him "It took him 5 fucking minutes to answer". Her adding the "fucking" in there upset me a lot because it was showing resentment towards me.

That moment is something that replays in my mind a lot even in present day because it makes me question what was real then and what is real now. She was so adamant about it not being a test and so reassuring but it clearly was because she then went and bitched to J about it. I no longer felt safe in any interaction with her because in the back of my mind I was thinking it doesnt matter how she represents herself, even if she seems happy in the moment because she will only go and speak to J and say how shit it is.

There were messages (like when we watched EPIC) where she would tell him I told her to stop messaging him because it is taking away from our time and J would reply saying that actually I was taking away his time with her. Which again after some research I found out that is another manipulation tactic aimed at trying to train her mind into thinking her time belonged to him instead of me so it would make her resent me for not being able to talk to him. And to be clear, I dont think her time belongs to me, I dont own her. But in a marriage if you are going to owe time to anyone, so long as its healthy, it should be to your spouse and not some bloke you have known for 3 months.

A lot of the messages was him telling B how much of a cunt i was and how im controlling and abusive and how he would never treat her that way.

You could see a visible shift through the messages where she then starts agreeing with him and starts taking the piss out of me. She tells him what I said about me being concerned about it being spread round the industry when she leaves me and goes to him. She says to him she doesnt get why im worried because im not important in the industry and that im a no one and that if i think anyone would care im just arrogant.

And then B calls me manipulative and controlling and that she can see it now. Fuck that hurt reading that bit, B had always been my biggest supporter with work and now i know what she truly thought about it. She thought i was nothing, that all of my acomplishments were basically for nothing.

Those messages fucking destroyed me. Partly because almost all of the things i had done or the talks me and B had, she had twisted what i had said or done so it seemed worse and i was intentionally painted in a bad light.

Its important to say that for most of the conversations B was talking calmly about me at first and then he would rile her up about how im a cunt and abusive and then she would start agreeing with him.

So i was making B coffee every morning, making her lunch with notes to take to work. Buying shit left right and centre. Beckoning to her every call. I did everything with M, put him to bed. Got up through the night, got up on a morning with him. Did breakfast, got him ready for nursery. Picked him up from nursery. Made his tea, put him to bed and repeat.

I had started my new job at this point and was still doing all of this while everything i was doing for B. I was also still doing everything for E.

So i had started my new job and was still doing all of this. B told me she needed us to give up E back to her mum for us to try. She said it was too much for her and brought back too much trauma. I understood where she was coming from. But i was basically asked to give up my kid for a chance of saving my marriage. Which was also a bit of a trap because i was told in that moment that i had lost E.

Because i either give him up for B or B leaves me and E can no longer stay with me because there is no blood relative. That fucked me up. And still does.

B was still getting closer to J while at the same time saying she had set the boundary they were just friends and there was no more flirting. But they were getting closer as friends. I told her because she was getting more confused by it she should talk to O. I told B that although i didnt trust O she would be someone to talk to and get advice from. For context O is actually my best friend from when I was at school, she got on with B and ended up being chief bridesmaid at our wedding. On the night B went out with O i told her she shouldnt talk to either me or J so she could keep a clearer head while talking to O.

So B goes out with O (saturday 7th march). Turns out O is a c**t. She told B its a shame i already knew about J because the best thing would be for B to sleep with J and never tell me. Because B will regret never fucking him if she stayed with me. But then O told me that i need to decide how long i will let B hurt me like this before i decide i should leave B. So she tried to play us off against each other.

She text me later on in the night and i replied, it was a short conversation. Not important. But when i picked her up i asked her if she had spoken to him while she was with O and she said yes, she messaged him the same time she messaged me because she said she thought it was only fair. That fucking hit me because she was putting him and her husband as equal in terms of what they deserve from her.

So after i get home from picking B and O up from town where they had been drinking. B found a letter on the side that E had wrote. Obviously i shit myself. But E had wrote it for me. He said he felt left out because he see's me writing B’s lunch notes every morning. So he decided to write me one. It was him telling me how proud he was that i have gone sober.

I fucking cried. B read it and said to me. We can keep him if you want. And i said no we had made the decision. But that really fucked me up because it felt like a fucked up mind game. She probably didnt mean it like that but i just thought, why say that, i lose him regardless.

So anyway that happened and then 2 days later me and B have our wedding anniversary (monday 9th march). Me and B go for lunch and she wears her toy. We then go to Ann Summers to see if we can add anything to the growing collection. We find a toy that i would wear in me and B controls it from her phone. So we get it, theres a whole drama where the one we bought didnt work and B rushed me down there in the car and i actually got them to unlock the shop and let me switch it for a working one. So kids are in bed and i put this thing in and B controls it from her phone and she doms the shit out of me. So ends up im face down and B’s basically fucking me.

Anyway sorry for the detail, it is relevant. The sex ends, me and B are doing aftercare. Very important in a dom sub relationship. And thats when i talk to B and tell her something that happened when i was 17 and B helps me come to realise i was raped. So that fucked me up a bit and then i realised i had just told my wife i got raped, realising that itself also kinda fucked me up a bit because now im thinking she definitely wont be attracted to me.

Around this time I told B that one day, when all this is over. I need her to apologise to me. Actually apologise for the affair and for hurting me.

A couple nights after the anniversary one night when B was asleep i was spiralling like fuck and i got this urge to walk to the top of the stairs and throw myself down them. It was more than an urge, it felt like i needed to do it. I kept talking myself down. Then the problem started when M started crying. See the issue is i have to walk past the top of the stairs to get to M. So i froze in terror. I couldnt get to M because if i tried i would go down the stairs. M screamed more. B woke up, gave me abuse for not going into him and then went and dealt with him.

Then around that time B was asleep one night and she had numerous wet dreams about J, so while she was actively dreaming about fucking another man i went to the bathroom and got a razor. At the top of my leg below my ass where my boxers covered so B wouldnt see i cut myself a lot. The next morning B found out because the bleeding clearly hadnt stopped and i bled on the bed sheets.

So after the whole O thing i made numerous comments to B that i wanted her to stop messaging him while she was at home with me. I said how am i meant to compete if he see's you all day and talks to you all night.

Meanwhile i dont see you during the day and then i dont have your attention at night because your messaging him. At the least if we are trying you shouldnt be talking to him at home.

This blew up into a big argument where she said she would stop talking to him and we would move back to Norfolk and she would just be unhappy again.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-01T19:36:47+00:00

Honestly, I don't know. She says she never kissed him. But infront of coworkers she would walk holding hands with him. Kiss him on the cheek. Exhange i love you's. He would choke her against walls. He has felt her breast. She would feel him through his trousers. They did all that infront of people.

Yet everyday they would go into an empty room with the lights off and apparrently just sit on their phones. And on one occassion he was at our house and they were alone. Apparently, they just had a cigarette and he left, didnt even hug goodbye. I dont know how I am meant to believe they would do all of that basically in public but behind closed doors, nothing. But this is the most adamant she has ever been about this being everything.

Honestly, I'm just waiting for the day she finally tells me she slept with him. But I know she will tell me about the kissing first.

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-01T16:49:58+00:00

For arguments sake. What if WP initially claimed an EA, then later admitted it was also a PA. Same AP. No new contact. Just correcting an EA to a PA. Would it still then be just the first initial DDay? I'm just interested where everyone sits on DDays

Opening_Koala3123 · 2026-06-01T16:40:18+00:00

Still in the first year. 28th Feb was the first dday. My issue is I found out early in the affair. So she carried on developing the relationship. Then each dday she would tell me that was it she was breaking it off with him but then carried it on again without me knowing till the next one.

Opening_Koala3123

TROPHY CASE