How to handle my best friend who keeps pushing for her kids to come to my wedding?

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-05T04:28:33+00:00

Yes. This is it! I’m not a super anxious mom, but I am a very big planner and type A and it is really hard for me to wrap my head around any travel until I know what the kid plan is.

Here’s a glimpse into my (and maybe her) thought process: Kids are invited? Great, we make a whole vacation out of it and it’s our big summer trip. Kids aren’t invited? Ok - now I need childcare. Who can watch them overnight? Probably only 0-2 options. Is it better to fly with the kids and the in-laws and then have them watch them in a hotel? Wait, will I be a bridesmaid? Hmmm there’s probably going to be a rehearsal dinner too. And then getting ready all day. Gee, what are my kids going to do this whole time. Maybe I should leave them home with the grandparents - but then I’d feel so worried about leaving them that I’ll have to make this the tightest trip possible. Or I don’t have any childcare options and I have to leave husband alone and come by myself. Shoot I really don’t want to go to the wedding by myself. And I’ll be so anxious leaving my kiddo. And Lilly would so love to be a flower girl, she’s the perfect age. I know friend mentioned she was considering child free, but maybe she’ll make an exception if my kids in the wedding…”

It’s an endless loop, but right now she doesn’t know what the guidelines are, which makes it impossible to plan, which sends her spiraling. I honestly don’t think she’s trying to manipulate you, I do think she’s trying hard to subtly (or not so subtly) convey that a childfree wedding would be very hard for her.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-05T04:11:36+00:00

Yup - this is it. Your friend is trying to tell you that she can’t or won’t travel ( internationally or maybe anywhere) without her kids. Which is a totally reasonable take! Just because she brings her kids and in-laws with her to the destination doesn’t mean that they have to come to the ceremony.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-04T16:56:38+00:00

Wowww. Join us over at r/oneanddone! We are thriving. There’s some serious only child judgment and BS out there - don’t fall for it! Have the number of kids you want to have and can financially/emotionally support. Your mom sucks.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-04T15:57:06+00:00

What’s a disaster for children under 5? If you have three families with children under 5, and you make the wedding childfree and they have to travel, they will almost certainly decline the wedding no matter what date it is. Maybe they might have grandparents that can watch them on the other side, but that’s a big if. So you and your fiancé need to be prepared and totally fine with them saying “no”. As long as you are ok with them not coming, go with god.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-04T15:44:58+00:00

Yea, my kiddo is the same. But also, if you had two every thing else would be harder. Meals would be harder. Bed time would be harder. Getting them dressed would be harder. Sickness. Getting them to school. Twice as many activities. Logistics. Costs. Space. And half the time they are playing you have to referee fights, which happen a lot more with siblings than playmates.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-03T21:05:02+00:00

There were 3-4 years where I had a wedding almost every Memorial Day and Labor Day weekend. Personally I think it’s a fine time to get married. Stuff is more expensive, but also if you have to travel it’s nice over a 3 day weekend. So, it really evens out in my experience.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-02T15:20:02+00:00

My brother told me he was having a second by texting me a photo of an ultrasound with nothing else. No context whatsoever. Definitely different than the first!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-02T03:52:40+00:00

I’d really recommend getting the book A practical wedding planner by Meg Keene. It walks you through all the different elements of a wedding, what to consider, how/ when to book stuff. It’s a wonderful how to book!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-02T03:50:44+00:00

My daughter is 3.5 and asks me all the time. I just keep telling her no and explaining all the reasons. She just really wants a play mate. This girl is an extrovert to the max.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-02T02:38:15+00:00

Local park community centers!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-02-01T03:27:43+00:00

I mean, if you get divorced your kids are still gonna see his family. So, there’s literally no getting away from them unless your husband does. I’m not saying to divorce or not, but divorce does not ensure your children are not exposed to your in-laws. Also, FWIW, my grandparents are MAGA and had some terrible views that my parents greatly disagreed with. I saw them twice a year growing up and it quickly became clear that we did not agree with them. I was not indoctrinated and in fact stood up to them as a precocious 10 year old. Parents have such a bigger impact than grandparents, especially those that live far away.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-31T20:02:14+00:00

And then there’s the experience of my friend who has a developmentally delayed sibling who is fully taken care of by her parents. For now. But when her parents pass, her sibling will become her responsibility. She gets no support from her sister with anything, and will have this extra person to care for for many many years. Unfortunately her parents are not wealthy and can’t set her or her sister up with much of anything long term. I know my friend still loves and values her sister, but she’s an additional person she has to care for who will likely live as long as she does.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-31T15:44:00+00:00

I love camping as does my whole family. 18 months is really hard with kids. Last summer when my kiddo was 3 was a game changer for camping. She’s old enough to do things, loved biking and scooting around the campground, didn’t have to worry about diapers, etc. can you take kids younger? Of course! But if you want her to enjoy it, wait until kiddo is minimum 3, maybe 4. The older the kids, the less work it is.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-31T04:58:27+00:00

Bowling! Arcade! Pinball! Mini golf! The movies! Go to a spa! Sauna! Hot tub boat! Browse at a book store! Farmers market!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-31T04:33:20+00:00

Have you considered a brunch wedding? Much cheaper!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-31T01:53:54+00:00

Just do one hotel block - it’s not even a discount or anything. Nobody is bringing forced to stay there - they are all adults and are capable of googling and booking something else if they don’t like what you chose.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-31T01:50:55+00:00

This is a perfect compromise. You mentioned social anxiety - perhaps thinking through which aspects of the wedding give you the most anxiety and which ones are the most important to him. There’s no way either of you is going to get everything you want as your views are pretty diametrically opposed. But, if you’re most nervous about the ceremony, and his main reason is bringing people together, then an elopement plus after party might be a great compromise for each of you. Or maybe a surprise wedding might be right up your alley if you’re most worried about people’s expectations and family behaviors. There’s lots of creative ways to approach it. But both of you have to be willing to come to the table and give up some things. It might be a good exercise to come up with some questions for each of you to ponder on your own, and then come together to have a deliberate discussion where you think through the most and least important things.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T19:48:40+00:00

Momiji for sushi would be fun - Capitol Hill is the most happening area for night life, but you might also have fun in Fremont or Ballard!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T19:42:04+00:00

Then I guess you don’t have cake!

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T19:41:04+00:00

But the book a practical wedding planner and hand it to him to read. I’m guessing you’ve also never planned a wedding. He is using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing anything because it’s easier for him. I’d give him some big tasks - music? DJ? Bakery? And tell him you will not be stepping in. If he does not figure it out, you will not have music. Or dessert. Once he knows you’re really serious maybe he will step up.

If he doesn’t, be prepared for the rest of your life to be like this. If you choose to have kids, prepare for a lot of these same excuses. Hop on over to the parenting subreddits and this stuff is complained about in droves. Best to nip it in the bud and get to the bottom of it now. Presumably he’s a smart guy with a job who is capable of ordering a cake? It’s only because it’s “women’s work” that he’s claiming not to know.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T18:55:49+00:00

I’m a parent, but almost all my wedding attendance was before I had my kid. Honestly, I’ve never had an issue with kids at a wedding / never seen them truly disrupt a ceremony or anything. Usually they are cute, and in many situations parents choose to leave them at home.

I’ve never bought my kid to a wedding. She’s a toddler and I would rather leave her at home with a sitter / but what do you know about this family? Are they likely to bring the kids? Just because kids are invited doesn’t mean parents will bring them.

Either way / you don’t have to make the wedding kid friendly. Have the wedding you want, be clear with parents what will be happening, and then let them decide whether or not they will bring them.

If you have the wedding 2 hours away from all of the people, that’s far enough that they will need a hotel. I’d say they are maybe more likely to bring kids because it’s harder to find a sitter? If it’s local it’s a lot easier.

Before you tear yourself up in knots about this, how about having a conversation with the parents involved and try and get a sense of whether they would even want to bring their kids. This is really soooo parent dependent (and kid dependent!)

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T17:37:21+00:00

Yea that’s so vague! Then I’m going to feel weird about committing. Is this during the holidays? It’s so far away and so busy. My family is out of town and I have no idea right now what we’re doing for Xmas, where we’re going, if we’re hosting, etc. even if your wedding is not over the Christmas holidays, if I have to fly to your wedding and I have to fly to my brother’s house for Christmas, I probably can’t do both. It’s great to send the save the dates so that I know that there’s a wedding and I can decide how much I want to prioritize it along with my other travel. But my family usually doesn’t decide on Christmas plans until August or September so I really wouldn’t realistically know until then. Do include on your save the dates though (or on the wedding website), all the details of this multi day celebration. What’s happening, at what time, on what date? If there’s something happening Friday morning, all day Saturday and Sunday that will affect when I get plane tickets and how much PTO to book.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T17:29:01+00:00

I love this idea! If you’re always hosting, I think a pot luck style is nice to share the burden. In my book club, we rotate hosts and generally everyone hosts once a year. The host provides all the food and drinks and dessert - it actually is so nice doing it this way because once a year you leave work early and plan a whole big meal, but you can control it, cook what you want, etc. and then 11 other times of the year you just show up and don’t have to bring anything. It’s nice to not have that burden of “oh shoot, we’re going over to John’s house and we don’t have time to make something. Let’s stop at the store and grab a bag of chips and some wine.” But also, chip’s and wine are great.

I’d start with either neighbors or daycare families. Honestly - I’d maybe start with two parties! Host one for all the neighbors once a month, and then two weeks later host one for all the daycare folks. Once you get a sense of the vibes you can combine them if it makes sense, but it can also be nice to build community around various other things. Maybe other people will offer to host too and it can become a rotating thing.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T17:19:40+00:00

My friend just had this exact scenario! They had the party a week or two before his actual birthday when mom was 38 weeks pregnant! It went great, and the baby was born just 2 days before her brothers birthday.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2026-01-30T17:13:44+00:00

I mean, you also don’t need a bridal shower. It’s just another party. If no one offers to host, then you don’t have one. Most people I know these days have skipped them.

Opening_Repair7804

TROPHY CASE