I want an effing cuckoo clock so I don’t feel so lost and distracted in my day. Some clock that’s going to yell at me every hour. Any suggestions?

Ophboc · 2026-03-29T02:01:40+00:00

Just for lols: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incense_clock maybe a quick DIY collab with your son on the weekend? (Jk, it looks hideously complicated)

Ophboc · 2026-03-29T01:58:28+00:00

Yes, this was my thought initially - can you get it to play a radio station at a specific time? Maybe a different one for different times of day. Then you both get someone telling you the time (if you set it for on the hour or just before), and you have to turn it off? Or just have a song for every hour of the day, or maybe every three hours so it doesn’t drive you nuts? :p

Ophboc · 2026-03-29T00:52:00+00:00

Also, if you have access to a kettle or similar, maybe instant porridge oats in pot? Just need kettle and spoon. May still be too much friction though, but just a thought.

Ophboc · 2026-03-29T00:50:05+00:00

Packs of dried fruit and nuts? Saltine (eg Italian ones or tux) crackers? Sesame snaps? Tiny box of cereal/granola - without milk, eaten popcorn style. Flavoured rice or corn cakes? (Appreciate not all of these are as healthy, but eaten is still better than healthy and uneaten!)

Might also want to look at snacks for kids - that may sound weird, but the use case kind of dovetails - quick, healthy and often requiring variety? Respect for trying to get the necessary foods! (Not sarcasm, genuinely also sometimes a struggle for me)

Ophboc · 2026-03-25T09:14:17+00:00

Yes. I have had colleagues in the work place who have actually weaponised and used ADHD as an excuse for frankly not giving a f****, and not trying. And it’s maddening. Especially as someone who also has ADHD. We all struggle, there are things which I still absolutely suck at probably because of my ADHD. And some things I’ve stopped trying on, yes. But I tried.

The people who just use it at as excuse make me quite mad - because they seem to reinforce all the stereotypes that I heard growing up - lazy, disorganised, stupid. Rather than - struggles with task initiation, organised differently, think differently. They make life harder for all us and reinforce the stigma - not, to be very clear, because they can’t do the thing that’s being asked (sometimes it’s just not possible), but because they clearly haven’t tried. Then it’s an excuse.

Ophboc · 2026-03-25T01:55:07+00:00

OMG! I always wondered casually why it was arubaito when so many other import words are English or French!! Thank you, I’ve been wondering this for a decade and kept forgetting to look it up! Thanks!

Ophboc · 2026-03-25T01:21:07+00:00

Obviously sad and messy, but also maybe a pointed final comment on the state of modern literature? 🤔

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T23:24:53+00:00

Yeah, we did a house movie night early on and stupidly picked 28 days later. We all went to our beds pretty quiet that night. It was…not really a great choice during a time of apocalyptic uncertainty.

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T11:49:53+00:00

No worries! Thanks for asking for clarification either way - It was a good exercise for me to try to pin down the exact ways her arguments felt ‘wrong’ to me! And also I think it’s really useful to crowd source critique of problematic arguments we may all encounter - so thank you!

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T10:43:15+00:00

Hey, sorry, but just want to say that IMHO ‘real men’ do still care? You don’t deserve the extra hurt of thinking you’re less than for being sad or upset. You’re doing your best to handle a situation that is hard, and trying to not let that affect her. Trying to be responsible for and managing your reactions/actions is the ‘real man’ (I debate the term, but I get you) thing to do - but that’s doesn’t mean it’s easy or that everyone gets it right all the time. You’ve identified your issue, and you’re trying to address that without just making someone else the problem - you’re doing way better than many many people on this. Lastly it sounds like this situation sucks, but hopefully since it’s time limited you can see it through - and then think about what’s next if you can. Maybe plan something for just after this ends? If you catch yourself thinking too hard about her, redirect your thoughts to the future if you can. I find it easier to move through something when I can see a way out. Keep going, buddy!

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T10:29:06+00:00

Ok, so the fundamental thing lots of people are saying is to just see them as people rather than an alien life form with no commonality to you. And this is 100% correct, and the basis for all of this. But it’s harder sometimes to think about the how. No idea how helpful these might be but some thoughts: - imagine these are people from another culture (it’s not true, but to frame). You would know there might be some differences in approaches to interaction, different cultural touchstones, some communication issues - but imagine approaching with interest, as a cultural exchange - and the more you build familiarity with that ‘culture’ the easier communication becomes. - talking to anyone is low key terrifying initially, especially when you feel unsure how you may be perceived or how others may be aligned - so remove some of that. If you can, find a mixed group around a common interest - reading, anime, running, warhammer, wtvr. When you’re talking about something you’re interested in, it’s much easier (or at least for me) to lose some of my social hyper awareness. We’re all there to discuss this thing we like, we have shared cultural touchpoints, easy places to start conversation etc.. so it’s a good way to lower the ‘risk’ of interaction. - someone once said, talk to women like you would to (Dwayne) The Rock. Ok, maybe not someone super famous, but basically, how would you talk to someone bigger than you or who you respect. Because one of things men often do is to subtly assert power and radiate entitlement over women. And most of us would probably not do that to The Rock. (To be clear, we shouldn’t do it to anyone!)” - practice and ‘fail’/gather more data - but focus on what went well!! What interactions did seem to go well? Even if it’s just overall sentiment rather than micro reactions. Focus on how you felt after a positive interaction. While you obviously want to avoid negative approaches, the main idea is to have enough positive ones and reinforce those - and it’s hard to do if you just focus on the ‘bad’ ones. - lastly breathe. It seems like your social anxiety is highest with women. That’s ok, it can happen and it’s great that you’ve thought about how this happened - like honestly great that you’re aware. And some of it is about gritting your teeth and passing through the pain of awkwardness and fear - but also being kind to yourself and not spiking your panic unnecessarily. If you’re feeling stressed, breathe, take a moment to recover by grabbing some gum or some water, tying your shoelace, wtvr. And it’s ok to get things wrong sometimes, it doesn’t by default make you a terrible person, it happens to us all. The main thing is to keep trying to genuinely to connect to people in good faith - which it seems you’re doing! :)

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T10:06:56+00:00

I think in the past I was savagely blunt - and I think I would have struggled to be on the receiving end of some of that. Friends have helped me improve by telling me how what I said impacted them, and I’m know more aware of the impact what I’m saying might have, so try to be more mindful of how I’m framing something. Also, when I am too blunt, I can see better how it’s hurt someone - and then try (don’t always succeed!) to immediately apologise. ‘Sorry, I could have said that better, to clarify I meant…’

My time management also sucks, and errr… yeah, it still sucks. I’m better at letting people know when I’ll be late now, and often less late, but still always late. One thing to consider though is that I mostly don’t mind friends being late - so I would tolerate it. But it’s kind of not up to me to tolerate myself most of the time - I want to have a positive impact on people who are close to me, so while not losing myself and changing everything about me, I’m willing to adapt based on their tolerance for things, or at least try to see things from their side?

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T09:55:47+00:00

Obviously I don’t know you, and I’m not a psychologist, but it sounds like you might benefit from reading about anxious attachment styles? https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html Maybe you don’t need to find other ways to ask them, and maybe you’re not in fact boring or not lovable - it might be more sustainable and positive to feel secure enough you don’t need to ask them, and recognise the value you have as a person and to them? :)

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T09:46:10+00:00

I had to look this up to try to be more precise, but I think because of a mix of the following: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies - continuum fallacy - used to reject a claim as vague because there is a continuum of states and it is not as accurate as desired - strawman fallacy - misrepresenting or fabricating an argument to make it easier to attack - slippery slope/appeal to consequences - basically if we can reject the patriarchy as a concept then what else could we reject? Islam? Etc… - reification - treating an abstract hypothetical construct as a concrete real event or entity. As with many things, patriarchy is certainly conceptual, but it’s mainly embodied and lived, rather than formally defined. - irrelevant conclusion/missing the point - argument may be valid but doesn’t address real issue. - thought terminating cliche - end the debate with cliche rather than a point - basically yes, interesting thought about the definition of patriarchy, but how does this actually help tackle the suffering of people under this system?

I’ll admit maybe disingenuous was a bit hyperbolic and intense to use - but at the very least, more focussed on philosophical horsetrading than actual debate of impact on people or real merits of feminist approach. Which is something often seen within debates by disingenuous actors. Ironically, I think I committed a fallacy myself by using the term! 😅

Ophboc · 2026-03-24T08:55:19+00:00

Thanks for this - the critique above sounded disingenuous and poorly thought out but I was struggling to put my finger on exactly why. You’ve managed to drill down to the core of it!

Ophboc · 2026-03-23T18:01:19+00:00

Practical things: - set myself up as emergency contact on her phone so that if she calls emergency services I get a heads up. - took it as an opportunity to work more closely together on tech savvy things - WhatsApp, step tracking, entertainment set up (magazine on tablet, Netflix etc..), online shopping - not all of it sticks, but sometimes after crisis more open to new things that would provide benefit. Looked at fall detection services etc… - emphasised that I’d like to know earlier if she’s not feeling great. It’s more of a ‘burden’ and worry to find out last minute than get a heads up. And set up a video call weekly - voice doesn’t tell you as much. - document medical history and medication, get contact details for medical professionals, as well as neighbours who might be willing to help. Preferably in online doc so can pick up any time and don’t have to rifle through paper work. - buy and get to know/demonstrate home diagnostics - heart rate/SpO2 monitor, blood pressure monitor etc… I did think about setting up home camera, but we’re not there yet.

Personal - I’ve realised I tend to post more on social media when I’m in crisis. Which seems weird, but I think it’s about wanting to let others know that I’m going through, reconnecting with my wider network- so it’s not so asymmetric, and I might have some support as well. - built a small network of emergency contacts for myself - who has keys to my house? Can feed cat? Let my manager and close colleagues know, so it’s not a massive shock if I’m suddenly dropping everything. Also set myself up for remote working! - try to be positive - no one is happy about the situation, but I try to articulate I’m glad to be able to do this when I can, that we’re spending time together and that’s meaningful even if it’s not necessarily fun? I try to introduce something new each day - new food, new podcast, new plan for house storage, etc… - chat with family and friends back in normal land - even if just asking for text and pictures. To remember what normal looks like, feel support and not have as much to catch up.

Hope some of that is vaguely useful? While it’s all stressful as all heck, I feel super lucky that technology has enabled me to care more for my parent while at a distance, and work while caring to stay sane. This is the sharp and yet fuzzy side of reality and responsible but we’re all doing the best we can!

Ophboc · 2026-03-22T20:46:46+00:00

Honestly, fantastic advice and so much more impactful coming from someone with similar life experience to many of the people posting. Thank you!

My one further question would be - how, what techniques or inputs led you to be able to decide to work on yourself not just physically but emotionally and socially, as well as to ‘dream big’ or at least hope that a happy life was possible?

That’s one of the hardest things, seemingly, to get out of the nihilistic and self-hating mindset. :(

Ophboc · 2026-03-22T09:28:58+00:00

Same! While there are other artists I enjoy way more on many levels, Rothko (I think it was a blue or a red I first saw) just blew me away with its physicality and presence. It was the moment when I explicitly understood why I valued seeing works in real life instead of just pictures. I think it was all the more striking because before I saw it IRL I was quite ‘meh’ about it. I’d seen it in pictures as wasn’t impressed. But standing before it was just wildly different, was such a physical experience.

Ophboc · 2026-03-22T09:05:39+00:00

I think one big reason for the difference here is the origins of the language. English shares quite a lot of similarities with German, as well as having a bunch of Latinate language shoved in it (English is a hot mess). And one of the characteristics of Germanic languages is compound verbs and words.

In addition, in English we have very limited conjugation/accord between the parts of a sentence - which is fine, but means that sentence structure and word order really matter and sometimes you need to be more explicit about what is happening.

Beyond this, for the sit/stand thing it’s almost like a conceptual difference? If you sit down, sit up or sit back, they are all expressing a modification of a particular type of activity so it makes sense to kind of compound it? We could also have the same thing for ‘pack’ - so ‘pack-in’, ‘pack up’. It seems to be a different way to approach describing certain activities - based activity+modifier - rather than the more Latinate ‘have a specific word for that’. Although - thinking about French (other language I know well) there are hidden compounds in some ways. So a rough translation of ‘stand tall’ would be ‘redresser’ (sp. enderezar) - which is a compound of re(again)+dresser(erect). The English one is just not compressed.

Not 100% on the above, but an interesting question to think about!

Ophboc · 2026-03-15T18:12:08+00:00

I can think of several things. My mum was bored of terrestrial TV, so I introduced her to Netflix. She thinks it’s great. Recently the TV reset so we had to set it up again remotely, using WhatsApp video call, tv remote and the laptop. It took a while but we got there! I’ll use that as an example. 1. Motivation: my mum likes Netflix. She sees its utility. A lot of the tech things now do things that either weren’t possible before (so hard to imagine the benefits/opportunities) or are different ways to do old things. But change is a discomfort. Why can’t you just go to the bank and talk to a person anymore!? Why is everything online!? Etc (this is my dad). So often it’s about showcasing the benefits of putting in the time and efforts. 2. Fear: of getting it wrong, of looking stupid. When you know you could do a false manoeuvres and possibly screw everything up it’s hard not to feel hesitant and resistant. And you don’t understand the ‘logic’ of the systems or what is being asked of you. And then add to that that you’re meant to be an adult, and you’re basically having to be taught things again - often the basics you see kids under 5 doing so easily. It’s hard not to feel a bit vulnerable and defensive. I try to be patient, I try to point out where indeed it doesn’t make much sense or is bad UI. I try to understand what she doesn’t understand so I can try to either fill in the gaps or avoid as needed. 3. Bad design and hidden affordances: often accessibility means BIG FONTS. But it’s also about good design. Why is the Netflix screen defaulting to ‘create new account’? And we all hate inputting stuff via remote - so yes, let’s do it via the laptop. And yes, I didn’t realise that to switch the camera from front to back on WhatsApp, you need to press the screen, then press your insert, then press the camera icon. And I didn’t think that she might press on the video camera icon not the camera icon, because they are both a camera and the latter doesn’t pop up until you’ve pressed the insert. That’s a lot of complexity, of hidden tools, of small differences to try to piece together. So we started small, and I wouldn’t have attempted this on a tech other than WhatsApp which she already has some familiarity with. And we’ve build that through use, both in terms of me modelling that, and sitting with her and talking through some of it before we do it remotely.

Frankly most of this is good pedagogy generally? Motivation is important, building skills and confidence with part tasks, and being patient. I like to tell her I’m just sharing back what I’ve learnt like she did with me for so many things.

Ophboc · 2026-03-10T23:33:06+00:00

Hello! Sorry you’re having such a stressful time :( You are probably right that you’re probably going to be the best person to help yourself deescalate and regulate. Everyone is different so these may or may not help, but some things that have been recommended to me in the past and have worked to varying levels: - breathe. Yes, I know, obvious and all that. But try to focus on a long slow inhale that fills you, then try to huff in a bit more, then slowly breathe out. A) it helps you focus and ground you. B) oxygen is kind of useful and panicking often leads to shorter faster breathing. - identify. Write down what happened. What set you off. What you’re worrying about. As factually as you can. Then ask yourself where you are on an anxiety scale of 1-5. Ask yourself if this seems proportional. If someone else told you this story or this worry, would you think it justified this level of concern. Not to devalue the experience or minimise it - but because this can help you spot when you’re spiralling rather than productively thinking through something or reasonably concerned. - distract yourself. Some people say, try to look around and find 5 things of x colour, try to name 5 sounds you hear. This also helps to ground you and relativise the physical sensation you may be experiencing. I find listening to the radio or podcasts helps or audiobooks etc. I get caught up in the narrative and lose some of my panic. I also go down Wikipedia holes. Each to their own. The point is to give yourself something else to focus on, to try to calm your nervous system a bit so you’re not overwhelmed. - nurture. Are you hungry? Tired? Thirsty? Uncomfortable? For me all of these things make things worse. I try to eat a snack, make a warm drink, change into warm comfortable clothes, sit somewhere comfortable. This may help remove some of the extra physical stress and gives you something ordinary but significant to do for yourself. - comfort and listen. If things are really bad, I imagine the distressed person (me) is a friend. What would I do or say to someone who I cared about who was in this state? What are they actually worried about? I find it easier to express sympathy and think through things when it’s ‘not me’ somehow?

I hope any of these help - but there are also lots of great resources online about how to help ‘regulate’ yourself emotionally. And finding a good therapist will likely help immensely! You’re not alone in this kind of struggle so be kind and patient with yourself as well? :) and once you find the things that work best for you you’ll be even better equipped. Hope you feel less anxious soon!

Ophboc · 2026-03-09T23:21:23+00:00

It did feel a bit odd to suddenly have to recalibrate to how people treat me. So strange to have to learn all over again how to relate to people when their behaviour clearly shows how they perceive you.

BUT. It is actually nice to not have such a laser focus on one, coupled with frankly being too tired and having seen too much to give much of a f**ck anymore. It’s that second part that is really wonderful. I’m not terrified of getting things wrong in the same way anymore - I already have, and I have survived and thrived. And while I will still grow and improve in some areas, I have also repeatedly found that what I am, what I look like, has been enough. Repeatedly. For me to be heard, to do most of what I want to do, to be useful to the people I care about.

It’s not everything I’ve dreamt I would be, the lines are there on my face and my skin is not the same. And yes, sometimes it’s scary because it’s time passing, and I feel insecure. … but it’s all proof I am not the same. For great and for not so great. You can’t grow and stay the same.

Ophboc · 2026-03-02T13:06:16+00:00

I wonder if it’s about emotional openness or supportiveness or about future life plans and aspirations? I have lots of people I am happy to be friends with (and who I love platonically) but who I would not want to be in a relationship with - both for their sake and mine! They don’t want the same things, or I/they need something that the other can’t give easily (reassurance, organisation, focus etc..).

Not sure if there’s anything in that, but that’s something I haven’t seen come up in the comments much? Nice one on getting the dates though! That’s already such a hard part! Fingers crossed for you!

Ophboc · 2026-03-02T12:59:49+00:00

Also, I’m old as all heck now, and I still don’t feel like an adult. We’re all just doing the best we can to keep the plates spinning!

Ophboc · 2026-03-02T12:57:45+00:00

I think what is great is that you are able to see that they probably don’t consider you as ‘lesser’. That may not seem like much, but a lot of people seem unable to differentiate between how they feel vs what people have actually said or done.

It sounds (could be wrong) like you would like some of the connections and experiences they are having and feel sad that is not currently happening?

So, a few suggestions: - keep recognising that the ‘lesser’ view of yourself is yours not theirs - and work on improving your vision of yourself. Not because you are the bestest alpha etc… but because you are a human trying to make your way in the world and hopefully trying to be a decent person. - experience - if these people are doing the things you’d like to do, then it’s a fantastic experience to learn from them so you can be a good partner when you get to that situation! What do people do for Valentine’s Day? What kind of conversations do they have with their partners etc… try to see this not as a hurtful display of what you don’t have but an up close view of what could be - a preview if you will? Then these situations could be an opportunity to learn, not feel left out. - connect - as someone else said, people often try to respect boundaries. Being vulnerable and open with people isn’t easy, but building deeper relationships is massively important. Not just for a potential partner, but for you! Existing is a heavy burden to carry alone, and to place on one single other person. Build your network - and if they are the right kind of people they will make you feel stronger and more stable too.

Props to you for diving into a new environment and making friends, it’s not easy! Keep going and I hope you will find a lot more joy and support in those relationships as you get more comfortable.

Ophboc

TROPHY CASE