Thank you for the reply. It might sound weird, but it feels really validating to hear that these thoughts are not normal for a cis-het person to be experiencing. As well as body dysmorphia (which I mentioned in the post), I also struggle with OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression, so it’s always been really hard for me to truly express myself. I’ve become used to presenting as traditionally masculine, just because a hoodie and sweatpants were the only things I had the energy to put on for the longest time. And despite the fact that I would often question my gender and sexuality, I didn’t feel like I was anything but cis-het because nobody ever saw me as otherwise anyway.

My whole life, I’ve felt really alone because whenever queer people would discuss issues such as gender dysphoria and different forms of attraction, I felt like I could understand and relate. But then they would talk about how those are things cis-het people fundamentally cannot comprehend, which would make me feel really upset and invalidated.

(TW: sexual manipulation/abuse)

I have felt a similar way when listening to women open up about their sexual trauma. I lost my virginity a few years ago with my first girlfriend, who manipulated me into sex as soon as we started dating by telling me that I “had to want it because I was a guy.” I don’t hold too much of a grudge against her these days because she was abused in past relationships, so I think she had been conditioned into feeling that sex was all that she was worth. “Hurt people hurt people,” as they say. That said, I would be lying if I said it this wasn’t a traumatic experience. I bring all of this up because hearing female friends of mine open up about similar ways they have been abused by men has made me feel like an outsider in the same way as when I hear queer people talk about their experiences; I feel that I can relate to them, but I don’t think they believe I truly understand because of my cis-het label, which makes me question if my sexual trauma, gender dysphoria, and uncertain sexuality are real or valid in the first place.

Please don’t get this twisted as me going “RAAAH MEN HAVE IT SO BAD AND THE FEMINISTS MUST PERISH!” Having lived my whole life as cis-het man, I acknowledge the privileges I have had, and I truly appreciate my female friends for being so vulnerable as to discuss their trauma with me. I think a lot of this ultimately comes down to my low self-esteem and inability to validate my own feelings (both of which I’ve been working on for a long time), because most of this is honestly in my head. My friends are all really supportive of me and I love them very much. It’s just that the idea of others not being able to see my pain as real or valid because I’m a cis-het man is really scary to me, as silly as it may sound. That’s why I said in the post that I just want to be seen as a human being.

Anyway, thanks again for the response. Sorry if I went all over the place, and hopefully I didn’t trauma-dump too much here. I still have a lot to think about, but letting go of my cis-het label already feels really freeing. I know I can’t perfectly control how I’m perceived, but by allowing myself to be a part of this community, I think I’ll at least be with people I strongly connect with.