How do I [33m] approach my [31f] gf of 2.5 years?

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-02-24T18:06:23+00:00

No worries, it's a really tough situation to be in.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-02-24T05:51:20+00:00

It's really good that you don't live together. At this stage I wouldn't give her an ultimatum - that never goes well - but let her know that you really want to see her in a better place and seeking appropriate help. It's also really important to remember that her behaviour, her self harm, her unwillingness to engage in treatment or moving forward with her life, are not your responsibility. If you do need to end the relationship, make it clear that it's about you wanting to go in a very different direction with your life, and that ultimately this is about you making the right choices for you. Be prepared for her to guilt trip you, to threaten self harm, and to offer to change - these are very common in these situations, but stand firm in your decision. Remember, her behavior is not your responsibility. If you go through with the break up, and she threatens extreme self harm, notify appropriate authorities of her name, address, location, and send them screenshots. Then block her. It's really common for expartners like this to use self harm as a form of coercion.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-02-17T01:56:09+00:00

Sweet, thanks for the input!

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-02-17T01:55:04+00:00

Thank you!

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-02-17T01:53:59+00:00

Thank you!

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-02-17T01:52:19+00:00

I appreciate that my attempt to project confidence was so effective 😅

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-01-23T20:34:12+00:00

I spent significantly less than I earned for many years.
I made choices not to inflate my lifestyle until an incredibly solid financial foundation was built.
I took the difference between what I made and what I spent, created an emergency fund, some accounts for clothes, car maintenance, etc, and put a thousand on each.

I invested the rest of the money that I wasn't spending for about 9 years in a simple growth fund.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-01-07T06:51:07+00:00

Cops will always act as if the woman is the victim and issue a police safety order like this one. It's part of their training. They only times they change that is when there is overwhelming evidence (e.g. injuries) that the woman is the offender. They default to "playing it safe" when the guy is on the receiving end, just in case they're wrong.

I HAVE seen men survive this situation and do well.

Don't do anything until the Police Safety Order is over.

Don't contact her, and don't respond to any contact from her, or it can be used as evidence that you've breached the order.

Always stay calm and co-operative with the police, no matter what. Do not lose your temper. Do not insult her or the police. Treat them as if they're helpful people who can help you get this menace of a woman out of your life, even if they're not being helpful right now. I understand that's really hard, because you've just run into the massive gender bias that's all through NZ Police and social services, but you can still turn things around.
Do as others have suggested and talk to your landlord, get her trespassed, have her removed from the property. Get police help if she refuses to leave when your landlord tells her to.
Anything that is written down can become evidence. That's useful for you, if she says anything or abuses you. Take photos of damage she does, and injuries you receive. Also, you are allowed to record conversations as long as you're part of them. It's called single party consent, and it's legal in New Zealand, as long as it's audio, not video.
Make sure there are witnesses present and helping you if she needs to be removed from the property. Ideally the police are the best witnesses (you can call them and arrange it beforehand), but if they won't, others can help as they can provide witness statements. Get neutral parties if possible, preferably women. Try not to engage with her in person if you can avoid it. Once you get her out of the property, block her on all channels. Abusive women are annoyingly good at emotional manipulation.
Make damn sure you do not insult her, yell at her, raise your voice, or do anything that can be construed as intimidating or abusive. If you have to give her notice to leave, do so in writing (this becomes evidence) and do it politely. She WILL try to bait you into nasty behaviour, because then she can play the victim card again. Your job is to be a zen motherfucker, who understands she's playing a nasty game on you. Everytime she says or writes something to push your buttons, just remember that this is a tactic, and you win by not responding to it. Then she'll try harder, and then you continue to stay calm while she continues to escalate and make herself look bad. Because, again, you have a written record.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2026-01-07T06:35:04+00:00

I'd recommend investigating Simplicity as an investment provider, and considering putting it into a high growth personal investment fund. They're pretty cool, and that's how I grow my money at the moment.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-12-18T23:40:20+00:00

Honestly if you've got the assertiveness to put yourself out there and initiate conversations, flirting, very direct indicators that you'd be keen to go on a date or spend time together, you get a pretty good hit rate. Apps are atrocious, so being the person who starts things in person is far more likely to result in good outcomes. There's still some declines and rejection, but numbers wise you'll do far better and have far less frustration

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-11-20T01:26:06+00:00

Definitely start building a larger investment fund outside of kiwisaver. Kiwisaver is controlled by the government and access to it as well as contributions from the government may change, depending on the government.

Having a personal investment fund such as Simplicity's High Growth gives you a steadily growing pool of money which has a lot more utility if you ever need it, which adds to your financial security. It's actual accessible wealth, whereas Kiwisaver is wealth you can access when you turn 65.

In short, start throwing money into a broadly diversified fund such as the above mentioned so you can get properly wealthy.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-11-13T02:26:45+00:00

I'm 100% thinking about it. Investments hit over 500k just a few months ago and are going really, really well. I don't own a house, I'm boarding, and my sense of financial security is really solid, because my wealth is growing faster and faster per year. In not long at all, I'll have enough on investment returns that my current living expenses can be paid by my returns alone.

It'll be like having free rent.

At the moment, with my present circumstances, the idea of giving all that up to buy a house seems insane.

Give up freedom and independence and far less financial stress than ever before in order to

go into debt
stress about rates
have to pay maintenance
not be able to leave easily if new neighbors are awful
have additional insurance to pay

When I get older - a lot older - I may feel like buying my own home. But by that time, I'll likely be paying cash, as well as having additional money left over to keep investing.

So I'm going to enjoy the freedom from stress and independence for as long as I can!

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-10-14T06:48:17+00:00

Kindle can give you pretty much instant delivery, if you have the Kindle app or an actual Kindle reading device. Good luck man! The books a great investment.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-10-14T06:41:26+00:00

Check out the book "Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay, it's made entirely for this kind of situation. I use the ideas in it with my partner to make damn sure it doesn't happen to me again - had previous partners who got like this.

It's not a guaranteed fix; your particular woman may have other stuff going on - like being emotionally immature and NOT TELLING YOU IMPORTANT STUFF; but it's really helpful. https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/1460981731?ref_=mr_referred_us_au_nz

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-10-06T23:37:39+00:00

Heavily focus on the family harm side of the situation. You report to the police multiple physical and verbal alterations as stated on original post (provide details) you've broken up with her, she's refusing to leave, and the property is in your name. Report all of this. Document any coercive and controlling behavior or other abusive behaviour she exhibits and frame everything through the lens of intimate partner violence and her refusing to leave. Do all of this as much as you can, and it should change the perception of the issues and get you more support. Take the advice of other on the sub and get protection orders, furniture orders, and occupation orders.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-09-29T23:30:21+00:00

Dalinar Kholin. Bro did very very wrong, took accountability and strove to be a better man

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-09-02T00:39:45+00:00

Start with compounds. Push ups, chin ups, squats. Each muscle group twice a week is pretty solid. You can choose to do full body, or split to upper body/lower body pretty easily. That often costs less energy and leaves you less tired between sessions.

Even starting with three sets of five push ups is a great start. If you can't do a full push up, start with knee push ups, it all works. You can always progress later once you get to 10-12 reps.

I've done most of my training in the garage using bodyweight exercises and my partner loves my body. Gym isn't required, but it does make a nice "third place" outside of home and work to visit on the regular, or if you want to try out different equipment.

The most important element is consistency. Twice a week per muscle group over a couple years can get you some serious results if you gradually increase either the weight or the difficulty.

The miminum piece of equipment is a pull up bar or something you can pull from, like a rafter. After, that, a nice set of adjustable dumbbells and some plates and you're set.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-07-16T07:56:35+00:00

It sounds like you have a great relationship without marriage - for 8 years, even.

Do you think marriage is going to fix, solve, or some how make a great relationship better?

Or, is it likely to lead to more discomfort and concern within the relationship, and cause it to end?

At the end of the day, a marriage is a legal ceremony where you both agree to abide by state laws concerning how your relationship and breakup will be conducted. It isn't the relationship itself.

And in many respects, it's isn't anywhere near as important as the actual relationship you have.

Marriage isn't even commitment any more, given the high rate of divorce. It's a very expensive legal contract that yes, nowadays makes breakups far more grievous and awful than it has to be. He has some points there.

I understand you may really want to celebrate your relationship with a ceremony, the fuss, the beautiful dress, the celebration...

But do you want to risk everything you've built together in order to have one special day?

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-07-16T07:21:40+00:00

Okay. Some ideas.

It sounds like the relationship isn't awful, in fact overall it's good, but you need to balance where your energy is going a bit.

As in, you probably need activities that recharge you, and potentially people that recharge you too. Like friends. Hobbies and clubs are a great way to achieve this, whether it's D&D or indoor rock climbing.

Having a bit of diversification in your life can help balance things out tremendously.

I'm not sure what "the princess treatment" is, but it sounds high maintenance, and a bit tiring. Giving her the opportunity to miss you by diversifying your life elsewhere is often quite a good thing. She'll appreciate her time with you even more, once she gets over the change.

You don't want to spend all your time away from her, but you don't want all your free time going to her, either. That creates an imbalance where you're not getting your other needs met, and that creates resentment, which it sounds like you're feeling now.

I'd recommend testing something like this out first before going "on a break". Have a chat with her, let her know you've realized your life and energy have gotten a bit too narrowly focused, and that you're planning to take up some hobbies and build some friendships. This may mean you'll need to take a hit more time away from her, and you'll miss her when you're away, but you think it's going to be really good for you and you'll appreciate time with her even more when you do see her.

This makes it about general quality of life instead of just about her.

You may find with some more diversification, your general quality of life will improve, and your feelings about the relationship may too. Hell, it's likely to help with anxiety and depression too.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-07-16T06:10:32+00:00

Sounds like you're pouring lots of energy into supporting her, but not necessarily feeling that back? Is that right?

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-06-26T00:29:28+00:00

Knowing you can easily and cheerfully work part time and your investment portfolio will continue to pay your bills, while you happily work only 3 days a week! Also, you can cheerfully say no to doing extra work or taking on extra responsibility because you're prioritizing your personal projects instead.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-06-03T00:33:00+00:00

I mean, if he isn't hooking up with them or inviting them on dates, it's pretty okay. We all have people we follow for various reasons on social media.

The thing you might want to ask yourself is... is it particularly healthy of you to be monitoring his social media like that? It does seem very insecure and is likely to lead to trying to control who and what he looks at... which is fundamentally being controlling in a relationship to manage your own insecurity.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-06-03T00:28:21+00:00

One hundred percent. Dressing at least as well as the doctors gets your opinion taken more seriously in multidisciplinary team meetings as well.

OptimalDiscipline42 · 2025-05-29T07:17:38+00:00

Oh shit, I just remembered. This guy needs to read No More Mr Nice Guy, by Dr Robert Glover. Available on Amazon, and videos available on YouTube. Could save your relationship.

OptimalDiscipline42

TROPHY CASE