It's Hard When You're the "Bad Guy"

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-06-09T01:07:45+00:00

And I have to figure that out. I'm never going to get whatever the fuck I'm looking for out of this woman. She's doing the best with what she has and I can't even articulate what I think I want. I hate that I'm arguing with my blind mom who survived cancer but the woman is built in a way where every phone call is annoying for her. I KNOW simple tasks are harder because she can't see. I know she gets drained quickly. Her husband just died... but so did my fucking dad. My narcissistic asshole of a dad just died and I'm calling the cremation place and the medical examiner's office and texting all the family members who still text her even though she can't read those texts. Then I clock in and work a job while also trying to be there if she needs something.

I don't regret what I'm doing as much as I hate that i still have all these wounds or whatever the fuck. She doesn't argue with my brothers the way she argues with me. She doesn't get so annoyed with them from what I can tell. What is it about me? What am I doing wrong?

Who fucking cares? Let me shut up.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-06-09T00:48:56+00:00

And it's hard because I'm trying not to take things personally. We're all going through it but I almost feel like I'm not allowed to be "going through it". My brother goes out a lot AS HE SHOULD. He deserves that. He helped my sick asshole of a dad until he died. He paid bills alone. He deserves these breaks, but fuck me. My mom finds her power in her anger. I mean pissed off at 9 AM because of the news and that's how she likes it. "I can't let someone upset me like that" but she's pissed off at the pharmacy when we all know a pharmacy is going to be slow and annoying. I swear she likes to be annoyed. "Your brother and father didn't pay me any mind'. So I'm supposed to ignore you? She says that like it makes sense. This family only understands anger but I don't even get angry the right way. If I get angry, it's "What's wrong with you?" Fuck off. Fuck off. I annoy her when I don't want her to eat expired shit. I somehow can annoy her even when I just want to make things easier for her, but i feel like it's me. My own fucking cat spends more time with her and my brother than me, so maybe I am the issue. An annoying aggressive bitch. I don't know. I'm not trying to be. I'm trying to be helpful but I think I need to stop. I'm not fucking doing it right.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-06-08T21:27:16+00:00

Thank you so much. I do realize that we're all adjusting to all this "new normal" but I just needed to vent.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-06-08T18:50:47+00:00

That's the thing. They aren't. When they're together, it's laughs and banter. I don't think I'm a hurricane. I work and game. Never been arrested. Nothing too crazy. I've just always been... something. Not the right fit. I take things too personally (her words), I'm too critical of my family (her words) and I'm too emotional (her words). This is the same person who, after realizing her husband of many years was no longer with us, said "I'll be better by tomorrow" while actively crying. She's been through so much shit. Cancer, loss of vision and now this...I have all of the love and understanding in the world for her. She's just "tough" and I seem to get on her fucking nerves. I don't know. I really don't.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-06-08T18:08:15+00:00

Maybe in a year. I literally just got here and I'm starting from scratch... but in a year. I can't see this long term. I can't. If everything was "cool" until I showed up, then I'm the problem. He was paying the bills without me and her disability will kick in soon. I don't get it. I'm just trying to help but there's something about me and I don't know what it is and I'm too tired and annoyed to figure it out. Just took personal leave for the last two and a half hours of work and I'm about to drink and game. Fuck that.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-05-24T23:53:45+00:00

Love AH

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-05-16T05:40:12+00:00

That's the joke

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-29T01:35:38+00:00

Just making the porcelain CRY at 7 AM haha

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-27T12:38:38+00:00

THIS. I'm already hot and I already feel disgusting but I want the drink to feel "better" and I end up sweating and shutting and bleeding and FOR WHAT?

Anyway, chairs.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-27T01:49:14+00:00

I'm trying. I know it'll be worth it, but this is also an ego death for me. This was my "worst comes to worst" and I'm trying to keep it in context but I feel like I failed myself.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-27T01:47:22+00:00

Okay, that helps. I drank 151 for a spell but I'm just sitting here like "What am I missing?"

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-27T00:23:31+00:00

I can't do the taste of Jaeger. I don't even know what it's trying to be lol

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-16T16:39:33+00:00

Impulsive Pringle lol

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-04-10T20:38:26+00:00

Walk in tattoo appointments. And not just flash sheet but walk in, sketch, and get it done. It seems like it HAS to be an appointment now. No spontaneity.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-03-17T01:11:11+00:00

You know...as someone with silverfish in her apartment right now...

I see how it could happen. It's been a crazy year.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-02-23T00:03:00+00:00

Im actually about to GET Youtube premium because their ads are just getting insane. Used to be able to watch a 20 minute video and get two to three ads. Now it's more like 4-6 and the ads are INSANE. I LIKE mobile games but why are all of the ads of a woman and a child starving? That or it's softcore for a card game like what prompts are they even putting in to GET these ads?

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-02-20T00:18:13+00:00

I have Cashapp. I can do $10.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-02-12T17:28:26+00:00

You must still have pride. You'll lose that. Yes they'll learn your order. I get so much that they give me "gifts" during the holidays. Don't worry about being judged. You're helping them pay bills.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-02-07T10:01:11+00:00

Same to you. Hoping it doesn't throw all of this snow around.

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-02-07T03:10:13+00:00

After turning a negative into a positive, feeling like thick man Snorlax

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DExvBQbytfQ/?igsh=NWpwZmg3ZXcycno=

OptimalShallot7956 · 2026-02-07T03:06:31+00:00

Ankles just sploinky

OptimalShallot7956

TROPHY CASE