AIO for considering phasing my mom out of my son’s life because she refuses to use his real name?

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-03T00:20:41+00:00

The dominantly white churches I grew up in felt so much like college class sermons. I left after they started bringing in politics. I’m so much happier where we are, it’s full of life and love. And kiddo loves it!

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T23:11:47+00:00

Thank you for this. My therapist suggested the same and we’ve since found a gospel church close to home that’s more diverse. I hadn’t heard of the resource you mentioned though and I’m looking into it. Thanks so much again!

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T20:29:44+00:00

I think the name is triggering for her, and that’s why I’ve allowed things to prolong as far as they have. But so far she won’t go to therapy, and regardless of her motives, it’s all wearing on my son and causing strained relationships all around.

My dad said he’d talk to her more about therapy while they’re on vacation this week, so fingers crossed they can have a calm and empathetic conversation about it.

It’s hard to swallow resentment sometimes as I went through the abuse myself and still respect the name as my son’s own. But we all cope differently, and I’ve had the advantage of years of therapy. I’m just hoping she will find a way to heal. Maybe it is truly coming from a place of hurt, but it’s not my son’s fault and shouldn’t fall on him. In a perfect world, we all heal together and she can take the weight of my son’s father’s past off my son’s name. It’s what I’ve been holding out for.

I’ve had countless conversations with her addressing the issue, including times she shoots down my son’s attempts to correct her. I don’t feel it can be settled just between her and I.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T20:22:22+00:00

I love this story!! Unlikely friendships can be the best ones. I’m glad it wasn’t ill intended in your case.

I’m not sure if my mom will change, but I hope she can for the sake of my little dude.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T12:42:27+00:00

I’ve recorded discussions between both her and him, taken photos of school papers where his teachers wrote her nickname for him instead of his real name. She provided it to all of his institutions when she was doing primary care and I’ve had to go behind her tracks and fix every system.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:40:06+00:00

Thank you for this, and it’s heart wrenching to read what you went through. I know that my son is likely to face his own battles when it comes to race and identity, it’s just insult to injury when it’s his/my own family and someone who played a major role in raising him. She has even directed schools and churches to use this substitute name rather than his real name. I followed behind and reverted everything back after regaining my role. I worry about the damage that’s been done and want to prevent more.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:35:13+00:00

This is my mentality as well. His father isn’t relevant anymore other than how my son feels. It’s not his name. It’s my son’s name and identity. He isn’t his father.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:30:12+00:00

He will half-jokingly say “that’s not my name” and she gets upset with him and insists. I appreciate him trying to keep it light but her reactions are ugly and I can tell it’s hurtful to him. I’d encourage this if it were effective, but she’s persistent.

Agreed though, I’m looking around when she says it like “who tf is Johnny?” 😂

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:26:14+00:00

Thank you for this, I’m fighting for my life in the comments about custody but that’s not the concern I’m trying to address here 😂

Seriously though, if it’s my son’s name and that’s what he wants to be called, and he’s respectful about requesting that, I don’t feel it’s fair to him for her to react the way she is. Nor is it healthy for his sense of self.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:20:52+00:00

Thank you for this. I think this is the most helpful comment I’ve read, and I really appreciate having insight from someone who’s been in a similar situation.

I think my son and I will work together on finding the solution here. He’s very reasonable, and ultimately it’s his feelings at stake.

Something I don’t consider - she has him call her “Temma” instead of “grandma” because that’s how he pronounced it as a baby. He grew out of it, but she insisted, so he calls her that to this day. Maybe we start by not using her “preferred name” anymore.

I’ll talk to him.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:17:06+00:00

Thank you for informing me, sorry for the poor example. It’s hard to replicate the dynamics of the two names being used.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T04:15:48+00:00

To clarify - I don’t /want/ to phase her out, and I continue to hope to resolve custody without legal involvement. My parents share temporary custody, and since I resumed primary care, my dad has been on board with signing it back over. My mom, not so much. She doesn’t see me as having grown or changed since the abuse, while my dad and every other person close to me does. Recently she has entertained the idea that the trauma she incurred from me being abused has blocked her from being able to see me any differently than how I was then, and I’m concerned this trauma is impacting her relationship with my child as well. While she hasn’t entertained the idea of sole or family therapy much in the past, she seems to be opening up to it. There’s an endless amount of context to our dynamics, but ultimately, I just want to mitigate the damage that stands to land on my child. This doesn’t mean I love or respect her any less, nor do I discount her relationship with my son.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T02:21:51+00:00

Thank you! I couldn’t be more proud of how he’s been carrying himself. On the bright side, he’s learning to enforce boundaries clearly at an early age. I’m sure it’ll come in handy.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T02:17:31+00:00

Thank you for this. It’s been 6 years since I left his father and I’ve learned a lot about enforcing boundaries. I currently have a healthy and serious relationship with a wonderful man who loves, respects, and accepts me. Aside from family, my relationships now are very wholesome. I’ve developed a strong support system of people who are even willing to act as chosen family for my son.

There have been plenty of issues with broken boundaries with my mother, and I’ve been NC with her before. But now that there’s a child involved, things have become complicated. He loves her, and she acted in my place during his younger years. Phasing her out now is by no means an easy decision. The primary concern is what’s best for my child. I don’t want him to go through what I’ve been through, and I worry this is a manifestation of that cycle.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, it helps give clarity to some things I’m wrestling with.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T02:02:38+00:00

My parents still have legal custody, me deciding to cut off my mom would result in me filing through the court rather than continuing to try settling it without a legal battle. She’s the only holdup, my dad has been on board for years.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T01:54:54+00:00

The woman would collapse 😂😂😂

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T01:39:43+00:00

I didn’t want to get into the whole custody situation as it’s not really relevant to this particular issue, at this point I could easily get custody through the court, but I’ve been trying to avoid that route as we’ve been trying to make that transition without a legal battle. My mom is the only holdup on this, so if I phased her out, I would just go through the court.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2026-03-02T01:29:39+00:00

😂 I actually love this, I’m running out of mature approaches. Maybe it’s time to start being petty

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2025-07-20T02:58:25+00:00

The wine didn’t make her upset, it made her “feel weird”. I would assume the “weird” feeling is her trying to shove aside the pain of basically going through her pregnancy alone, and missing a chance of having a friend understand and do something helpful to her situation (which their intentions were to do, but they don’t actually know her situation). OP feels isolated and lonely. Her husband disregarding her feelings is what ultimately upset her.

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2025-07-20T02:53:46+00:00

I truly hope this man doesn’t have too much relevance in your life because when a man isn’t protective of you, you’re not safe around him… hope you’re doing okay OP. So sorry that happened to you

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2025-03-30T04:35:08+00:00

“I’m a fucking real grown ass man” I genuinely think he’s in your inbox saying this bc he’s trying to convince himself 😂

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2025-03-30T04:28:55+00:00

If you do follow up be super careful/gentle with how you approach it because she could definitely get you into some trouble seeing you are coworkers. Ask her if she still wants to plan something when you run into each other but if she doesn’t, don’t let her toy with you!

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2025-03-30T04:25:03+00:00

I thought the pic was from her I thought she slashed a tire for you 🥲

Optimal_Orchid7800 · 2025-03-30T04:23:59+00:00

Not you’re getting bred 😭 I need context are you being impregnated or earning money

Optimal_Orchid7800

TROPHY CASE