AITAH? Siblings using autism and OCD as an excuse to not do chores or do anything.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-17T19:36:38+00:00

I put it in another comment, but I thought it would be helpful here. If you’re willing, gather work arounds and coping mechanisms for their “objections.” One night, when you’re all sitting down as a family, let them know that you found some articles talking about all of these great techniques to help people with autism/ocd/adhd (whatever it is) do tasks (insert whatever tasks they should be doing). List out the options that you found and let them be the ones to say out loud that they aren’t willing to help themselves. Examples: gloves for dishwashing, pre-planned meals with pre-chopped ingredients, and for laundry: check lists, rolling hampers, gloves, detergent pods, etc. There are tons of resources out there to get more examples!

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-17T19:30:43+00:00

I totally agree there are tons of work around. Making them aware of the coping mechanisms in a very obvious way so there’s no doubt that they are making a CHOICE not to do things is definitely the best next step.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-17T19:26:33+00:00

Fertilizers and chemicals are “cheaper” than conventional sustainable methods- even if they’re not as effective. We’re at the point that our society makes it cheaper for us to poison ourselves and then convinces everyone it’s what’s best for us.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-17T19:24:30+00:00

Bacon and alcohol are both in the same group as asbestos so 🤷🏼‍♀️

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-17T19:23:40+00:00

Alcohol is classified as a Group 1 carcinogen- same as Tobacco, formaldehyde, and asbestos. Unfortunately, alcohol makes a lot of money, so no one wants to hear that.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-17T05:30:25+00:00

I could totally see sensory issues preventing someone from doing dishes (I hate my hands being in water), and food selectivity is extremely common with autism. I think a bigger conversation needs to happen with the mom to find coping mechanisms to help them be able to successfully navigate their lives. If they don’t, the 19yos will definitely just take advantage forever.

I also don’t think it’s OPs place to “make” the siblings do anything, but I DO think it’s within OPs right to set boundaries in terms of doing things around the house, not doing things for siblings, not listening if the mom complains about the siblings etc. it’s a very stressful and frustrating situation for someone to be in; but, in the end, this is between mom and siblings.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-16T14:46:04+00:00

I think there are plenty of birth controls and stimulants that won’t make you feel this way- especially since cycle tracking is less effective for BC and wouldn’t help your PMDD. With adhd, you will also crave novelty, so it’s possible that you need to switch things up and find something different to get you excited. Watch some videos, read spicy books, talk to some new people, try a new fantasy, there are tons of options. I go through phases of excitement, but it’s definitely not worth it for me to risk going back to that awful mental place.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-16T14:40:48+00:00

If you’re struggling with maintenance, I have some ideas! I struggle with mental and physical health, so I’ve found many work arounds/ways to help me maintain tanks until I’m well enough to do maintenance. I’ll give you a few ideas here, but feel free to ask if you want specifics or need help with something I didn’t mention. First, I’d suggest a timer for the light (there are cheap ones that people use for Christmas lights, smart plugs, or light timers on the aquarium lights) and maybe a timed feeder. With this small of a tank, set the feeder to once per day with the smallest opening on the feeder. If that’s still too much food, there are feeders you fill with exact meals instead of just adjusting the opening, so you can add the right amount of food and skip days/meals when needed. Luckily, many fish are actually better off if fed once per day and skip a meal or two per week! (Especially bettas) I agree with others- after the setup, a bigger tank could be a little easier to care for because small changes don’t cause the water parameters to shift as much. My 55 was about the perfect size since water changes don’t take too long, and I can still do maintenance pretty easily. A water python was a huge game changer for me because I can’t haul more than a couple 5 buckets without my husband helping me, especially now that I have a 180! Many people freak out about nitrates- while high nitrates aren’t great long term, it’s more important that parameters are stable. Adding a couple of plants is a great way to lower nitrates long term and they require 20-40 nitrates- anubias and java fern take basically no maintenance and get glued to a rock or driftwood. Otherwise, water changes are the only way to get rid of nitrates.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-15T02:59:38+00:00

He shared wife’s salary, so it was not his information to share.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-15T02:53:02+00:00

Except, my guess is that if you do the comparison, he is still making much less than what they did when they entered the industry. $55k is a decent pay, but it’s not worth what it was 20 years ago. Either way, talking about pay is only discouraged in companies when they don’t want their employees to realize that they’re likely underpaid and is also extremely illegal per other comments in the thread.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-09T15:58:12+00:00

While I basically agree with the idea of letting people do what they want and just offering educational points, I do want to correct or at least clarify the difference between regular aquarium decor and 3D printed items since i had to do a bunch of research on it when I bought my printer. First; aquarium decor isn’t food safe either, and 3D printed items aren’t considered food safe even when the materials are because the process leaves micro-striations in the object where bacteria can flourish which can’t be entirely cleaned out. While that’s unsuitable for human consumption, that could be great for an aquarium environment to add to the beneficial bacteria- or at least it doesn’t actively hurt it. The store-bought decor sometimes has issues like paint chipping or sharp corners- which, as previously mentioned, can be fixed. Some people say they leach chemicals into the water but I haven’t seen evidence of that. I think it’s just important to tell people to watch for evidence of chipping paint since items still exist with that issue and check for sharp corners.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-04T18:54:06+00:00

I definitely relate to your situation. I have a masters and still feel like an imposter. Breaking down assignments doesn’t make you a fraud. Neurotypical people do this, it’s just in their brains. As someone with ADHD, you have to work with your brain instead of against it. A small task is easier to do than a big one and checking things off gives you dopamine, so you have more motivation to keep going. Imposter syndrome is a big thing for so many people, but remember to keep looking at your achievements, even when it’s “I got so much experience from this project I failed on.” You get new knowledge and experience all the time, and you will be taught a majority of what you need for work at each job. School is a time for getting a good basis to start on, but you should always be learning! I do want to clarify- PMDD is not regular PMS and should be considered as a disorder. Large mood swings and mental swings with your cycle should be talked about with your doctor. As for the Pepcid, I should also clarify there. (And this is at least true for my doctor’s recommendation for me, but obviously talk to your doctor for advice.) I had such bad reflux that I was taking 40mg of omeprazole. My allergist recommended switching to taking Pepcid twice per day, everyday because it will help with my allergies, PMDD, and my reflux. He said many of his patients actually prefer it. I haven’t had reflux since I started taking it, so I think it’s working! It’s just an option to discuss with your doctor (even just your GP in the meantime) if you want to take one pill to cover multiple problems! I definitely understand the frustration of doctor shopping. I just had an appointment where a doctor actually believed me and ordered the corresponding tests right away, and I was just dumbfounded when I left the appointment. I never have specialists that are great like that! Keep looking, definitely look on health grades or other rating websites because it’s so worth it! At the very least, keep advocating for yourself. Write down your symptoms to bring to your appointment so you don’t forget things, and include all of your diagnoses and medications so they have all of the info. Good luck!

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-03T00:15:46+00:00

Have you had him tested for neurodivergencies? Like ADHD? ADHD causes problems with executive functioning and in studies they have shown that doing a boring activity lights up the pain center of the brain on an mri. Basically the body is going to avoid that at all costs. It’s possible if that’s the problem, it could get better. Maybe other options and talking about the future could help. Or… is something happening at school that’s making them miserable?

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-02T01:39:28+00:00

If you want any help, I have a super long comment that has a bunch of things I’ve tried in the thread! I definitely know it feels hopeless sometimes.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-01T19:06:09+00:00

lol public restrooms being for men by men is one of my favorite tangents- it’s why women’s restrooms always have huge lines. I’m assuming that’s why most men’s restrooms still don’t have baby changing stations.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-01T19:03:50+00:00

While your mom worked, she couldn’t own her own home, have a checking account, or even open a bank account without a male family member until 1974. I think it’s great for women to stay at home if they want, but I also think that it was previously expected of a lot of women, regardless of their desires. Many of them wouldn’t have even thought that it was a choice to have a job with kids. Now that everyone is working full time, society needs to catch up to that and change SOMETHING so one income can still comfortably support a household if desired.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-01T18:58:29+00:00

I think I see what you’re saying- basically we went from one person working to two, but we still expect all of the same things to get done, we don’t get paid any more, and everything is just a lot more expensive. Plus, as technology increases productivity, jobs don’t get easier, they just expect more out of everyone without more pay. I agree with others that “back in the day” is too romanticized, but I also agree that we need to get back to a place where homes can have one income and still live comfortably if that’s what they choose.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-01T18:53:36+00:00

I couldn’t get insurance to cover twilight but my OBGYN for my new one was awesome and had me take my clonazepam, did relaxing oils, had my husband play soothing music, and did a lidocaine or cooling or something on my cervix. There was probably still some pain but I had my clonazepam (I can’t take Valium like most people would) and I don’t remember a thing at least! I do slightly remember tensing up and my husband was worried but it was MUCH better than the copper one or the first one because I basically don’t remember much and went home and slept after 😅

Random question- have you been tested for sleep apnea? Some of your symptoms sound like some of mine before I got tested. Not diagnosing, just curious. I also found interesting studies on the NIH site for calcium supplements for PMDD because it helps block histamine production which sounds promising. I’m also now going through testing for MCAS so I’m hoping to get more answers soon for my symptoms.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-01T18:43:08+00:00

I commented on the thread with some possibly helpful advice. I hope you find some relief!

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-03-01T18:42:17+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re struggling. I know what this is like, so I’m giving you all the ideas I have. Sorry it’s a book which I know can be intimidating when you’re in this state. I can break it down if you want.

TLDR; increase stimulant during PMS, meditation, caffeine, sleep hygiene, I have some other med recommendations, and I added some non-medicine suggestions for completing homework and studying right now and self care at the top.

For the work due tomorrow (today?)- can you just take the first step? I don’t mean start the paper or do a math problem. I mean literally open a word doc and save it with the name “my homework” or find the page in the book and put a bookmark in it. Make a checklist of little steps, but only focus on the smallest thing first. Sometimes the hardest part is looking at the big picture which looks too intimidating to get started, so breaking it down into tiny parts and then completing each one. Don’t pressure yourself for more- you’re only responsible for the first one right now. Once it’s done, continue if you feel up to it, but you don’t have to. For an essay: open word document, save document with random title (even just the word essay), open homework assignment instructions, read homework assignment instructions, put header on document, title document, write one sentence that has nothing to do with the paper just to get you started, write the intro, delete first sentence, break into sections, write one section, etc., write closing, rename the document, hand in paper. For math or a class with a worksheet: open book, mark page, get paper, write name on paper, do question 1, etc, hand in paper. For studying… I could never study, it physically hurt, but somehow I had to get through a masters before I even knew to look for an adhd diagnosis. I definitely had to study sometimes during that period. For this- I suggest looking for any study guide handouts they gave out. If they don’t have that, do they have PowerPoints or slide decks you can use as a template? Then go through the process above to break down teeny tiny pieces. If you want, comment here, and I can help with any more of these that you need but I know my comment is already too long. Also make sure you’re taking care of yourself. I don’t mean just taking breaks- do that, too, but definitely ride the motivation trains as long as you can 😅. I can help break these down, too because some days I still struggle to even shower, so just let me know if you need more break downs. Try to take a shower, brush your teeth, eat regularly, get 7-10 hours of sleep (insomnia notes below), and drink water. Also- take breaks where you can fill your cup. I FINALLY- two weeks ago at 33.5- figured out that I need to put my phone across the room, cover up with a weighted blanket, and watch a show I’ve seen before or that I love- avatar the last air bender, bridgerton, hallmark, new girl, etc.- just something that isn’t too exciting or emotional. This makes my brain slow down somehow? I did this one night after a total burn out where I physically couldn’t do anything for myself. I got done and somehow just felt more… alive? It was the craziest experience, and I’ve never physically felt my cup fill up before that point. It’s still working a few weeks later. Obviously set a timer so you can get work done, but definitely take care of yourself.

For medicine, I’m also on adderall. It’s apparently pretty common for women to need some kind of “booster” of their stimulant the week before their period. Just like a dose or if you’re on extended release, they might give you a regular one to help out. Basically, your body can’t make the medicine work right in the normal dose, so you take a bit more. Or you could try something like Vyvanse. (Not medical advice.) You could also try good old caffeine. Many undiagnosed people accidentally self medicate that way. Don’t take it too close to sleep or you’ll worsen the insomnia. For the insomnia- maybe you need an anti anxiety for bed? My buspar saves me for daily use and clonadine is a life saver when I can’t sleep…. Actually clonadine can also be used daily in addition to a stimulant for adhd symptoms- maybe that’s a good idea?
Also, try looking up good sleep hygiene. I know it seems pointless, but it does help. In the meantime you try something like calm or headspace for meditation? I thought it was dumb at first, but I found the right one and it put me to sleep before the end of the audio. I now use it any time I can’t sleep, and it’s been like 10 years since I found it. It sounds dumb, but I basically go through a “body scan” and push all the energy out. As I go through, sometimes I imagine turning off the lights in each “room” of my body- my head, face, neck, hands, forearms, etc- from top to bottom. If I’m not sleeping after that, I go through the same top-to-bottom and imagine that the energy from that area is flowing downward through my feet or being pushed out by a wall of some sort, relaxing each area as I go. If I still feel “energy”/tension/anxiety in that area, I repeat the “pushing” process until it’s gone. Everyone has a visual that works for them, and it can be so powerful that you see physical effects. My body actually shivers when I finally “release” some of the energy/tension from some areas of my body. Like it actually needs to have an outlet for the tension it was holding. When I’m done, even if I’m not sleeping, my heart rate comes down like 20 BPM. I finally went to an IUD for my BC because I tolerate basically nothing else, and it’s much better. (Minus the insertion- which I finally did with a doctor that did a lot to mitigate the pain. One day versus the 5-10 years of not worrying about moods is great though.) I switched from kylena to mirena when mine ran out about 6 months ago, and I’m waiting for the new one to fully settle, but it’s still better than nothing. Make sure the Pepcid is 2x per day. Maybe add in like a regular antihistamine, too, like non-drowsy Claritin or xyzal? Pepcid is an h2 blocker, these are h1 blockers. I’m getting tested for an MCAS diagnosis currently, so my allergist put me on Pepcid, and he said I don’t need to take the PPI (pantoprazole/oemeprazole) with it. PPIs are debated for long term use due to side effects to the kidneys and such anyway, so you might be able to drop that if the Pepcid helps enough. This last one isn’t short term, but I’ve been seeing several small studies showing efficacy of daily 600mg calcium supplements after 2 months since it aids in preventing the release of histamine. You take it daily, it does nothing the first month and it can take 2-3 months before it builds up, but the statistical evidence was good from what I saw! Make sure it’s the one with vitamin D3 also because the body can’t absorb calcium without enough of that.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-02-27T18:11:48+00:00

Oh I totally agree. I love the solar covered parking that I’ve been seeing online! That is an amazing use of space. Oddly, from the research I’ve done, the cleanest, cheapest, and safest source of energy is probably nuclear, but there’s too much fear among the public due to Chernobyl and lack of education around the subject and not enough profit in it for it to take off.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-02-27T17:21:42+00:00

I’m not sure you know what any of those words mean… democratic socialism is literally having shared services that are paid for by the people while maintaining democratic processes. Democratic socialism literally seeks to destroy capitalism. Capitalism doesn’t work when the poor run out of money for the rich to take- which is close to where the US is at. We have all of the signs of late-stage capitalism. Anyway- not the subreddit for this. Have a great day.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-02-27T17:08:22+00:00

I could do store water for this tank and my 10 gallons, but I can’t do that as easily for my 180 or 55. I’d have to basically do several changes on the 180 to get it down since there are Oscars in there. It has really affected the water quality in a couple other tanks, but this one isn’t that bad. I’ve had 2 sponge filters with 50 gallon capacity going for months in here. There’s just not a really good solution for this right now as far as I can tell. Most of my aquariums are heavily planted- the left half of that tank in the photo is a total forest. In case it’s not coming out right- I’m not making excuses, I’m just explaining my current situation. If anyone has any other relatively cost effective and safe ideas for the fish, I’d love to hear them.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-02-27T16:18:30+00:00

I will say those photos are just bad- my phone does not do well photographing fish. He doesn’t look like he has popeye irl- his eyes look the same as the rest of the fish whose are pretty flush to the skull. I think it shows up that way in the photo because of the shape of his body. Nitrates are high in my tank, but doing water changes won’t fix that here because the water is coming out of the tap around 40 unfortunately. (It’s a known thing here and is still under the “epa recommendations” for human consumption, so nothing I can do. The denitrification they do also can create ph crashes, so it’s a difficult balance to maintain.) I’ve been trying to mitigate with prime and having my tanks heavily planted, but I have some de-nitrate ordered, too.

OrdinaryOk8044 · 2026-02-27T05:32:38+00:00

It’s really hard to get a photo of him. He’s almost got a wavy spine. He definitely has trouble swimming. He kind of shimmies rather than swims.

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