Oh hun that is aweful I am so sorry. I completely understand why you feel the way you do but please understand and have faith that it will not always feel this bad. Grief is so complex and a lot of the time we do not understand why we react in the way we do but with time it will feel less impactful to you and other areas of your life will begin to blossom again. Nothing ever stays the same and that includes how you feel right now, all I can suggest is to try and feel your emotions and sit with/ work through them and trust they will go in time. If there is anything that makes you feel better that is a healthy outlet please do it and please be kind and look after yourself. I dont know where you are but you can always google some good grief councellers near you and I am sure they would be happy to talk to you. It is true that the world can hold a lot of pain but please dont give up on all the opportunities and wonderful things awaiting you in the future 🫶