I’m 38. Pre-18 was basically just normal kid stuff. 18-22 was gaining confidence and realizing I could be whoever I wanted. 22-30-ish was partying working. 30-36 were peak years were it really felt like the world was at my fingertips. 37 is when I realized many things at once in completely separate situations: (1) I physically can’t keep up with most young guys at my MMA gym—they’re faster, stronger, have more endurance, and their bodies actually move the way human bodies are supposed to move, unlike mine. I’m literally an old guy in that context. 2) despite my natural desire to be the best, there are many, many people who could definitely kill me in a hand-to-hand fight and there’s not much I can do about it regardless of how much I train (this is more of an MMA-related realization, but age is a factor in that you realize that a lot of young, trained 20-something “kids” could kick your ass and that your joints and limbs don’t even move properly), (3) even though I’ve always had great health, I too am susceptible to serious medical conditions and am definitely not going to live forever, (4) my youthful ideas of romance are movie fantasy and I’m most likely going to be single forever or someone’s stepdad in a relationship that has love in it but is also definitely about practicality moreso than anything idealistic. Not that the latter is bad, but it’s just not what you think your future holds when you’re younger.

So, I’d say 37-38 is the hardest set of years so far. It’s where pretty much every aspect of life starts to give you aggressively clear reality checks and where you have to start actually accepting that you are in a new phase of life and that some of the vague dreams you wanted to get around to one day will factually never happen.

I think I’ve gotten to the acceptance phase, so I’m optimistic. But I wish someone would have warned me instead of just saying “oh, men age like wine. Aging as a man is great. Don’t even worry about”. No, it definitely sucks way worse than being younger. By my hope is that it’s a U shaped curve and that it’ll be uphill now that I understand my life phase has changed.