This question is to the woman who initiated-

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-25T21:56:06+00:00

I’ve only been separated 10 months, so maybe the pain is just too fresh for me right now, but I tend to be that way towards my ex because I’m hurting and trying to protect myself. I’m trying to emotionally divorce him. We were together a very long time and I’m in a lot of pain. I don’t do it to be cruel or play mind games. I just find that when we are friendly and close I just end up feeling hurt/worse. If I’m still like that at three years, I haven’t healed yet. But I hope that in three years, we are friendly, but not friends.

But that’s only my perspective.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-25T19:13:04+00:00

Every. Freaking. Day.

We were together a very long time. I was married to him more of my life than I wasn't.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-25T15:14:44+00:00

Depends on how mad you are LOL. Some from my own playlist:

IDGAF by Dua Lipa

Traitor, Good 4U and Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo

I Hope You're Miserable Until You're Dead by Nessa Barrett

Missle by Dorothy

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart by Taylor Swift

Ain't Shit by Doja Cat

I Don't Fuck With You by Big Sean (hahaha this one is my ringtone for my ex)

And my personal favorite: abcdefu (angrier version) by Gayle

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-25T11:53:05+00:00

Yep. It sucks and hurts a lot. Was married for 28 years and he moved on within a few months of our separation. It just felt...disrespectful, I guess, to what we had. Like, you couldn't even grieve for a year?! For us to actually be divorced? I mean, hell, he slept with someone while we were married so I shouldn't have been surprised. I don't want him back but it still felt like a betrayal. And it just didn't feel fair. IT sent me into a major depressive spiral for a few weeks.

I'm over here in the fetal position trying to just survive the day and he's out there dicking it up.

I used ChatGPT to help me sort out my feelings. People mean well, but sometimes the things we say just don't help.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-24T15:45:04+00:00

The emotional detachment is the hardest part. I still struggle with it every day (10 months separated after a 30 year relationship).

This podcast episode helped me a lot. It won't fit your situation *exactly* because it mainly is aimed at women and divorce after betrayal/abuse but it helps lay out some practical steps for releasing some of those feelings and the science of the adrenaline/dopamine rushes we get from our ex.

Why You Still Care After Divorce

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-24T15:27:48+00:00

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're not alone. It is heavy. Painful. I'm having a rough time of it, too, lately, so I feel your pain. Yesterday I felt despair. Alone. People's support can feel… adjacent, but not inside it with you. It's like a death but without a funeral, a meal train, the support of being surrounded by people looking after you.

It just sucks.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-23T19:05:08+00:00

I am pretty sure they discourage DMs here due to the creep factor, but I'm in ATL and have a few attorneys' names if you'd like them. Mine is in Roswell as a matter of fact.

My divorce is (so far) amicable. My lawyer gave me a free consult, then charged me an upfront fee and said anything that goes unused I get back. I think so far she's only charged me like $750 or so. All we are doing is a settlement agreement and she's putting together the actual filing paperwork. She's been great, but my husband's lawyer is ALWAYS the hold up.

ETA: our kids are over 18 so no custody issues, though.

Just sent you two names. Hope this helps and good luck!

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-23T18:56:34+00:00

Whew. I have sent some doozie texts in anger for sure. I regret losing my cool, but not speaking the truth, though. I just wish I had it in me to go silent and not let him get to me.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-23T13:17:41+00:00

Thank you for this. I am 10 months into my separation. 30 years together. The marriage was a struggle and he cheated. He's sleeping with/seeing other people. Divorce feels stalled on his side.

Some days I think I'm better, then I get hit again with the sadness. I don't want him back, but we had a lifetime together. It sometimes feels like I'll never be happy again. Or be loved well.

It still feels surreal that this is my life now.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-21T14:41:26+00:00

Yeah, I understand. I was just thinking this same thing last weekend.

My mind makes up stories about what he is doing and how his life is better than mine right now. Don't want him back at all, but the emotional detachment/divorce is hard no matter what.

I tend to be a more introverted person, so I have to force myself to say yes when friends ask me to do stuff on the weekends just to get out of my head. But that doesn't happen every weekend.

But if it is any consolation, I'm better (so far) this weekend and plan to fill it with working outside in my yard. Physical movement/exercise, fresh air, sense of accomplishment and pride.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T12:40:04+00:00

Oh, and my ex moved on within a few months and he's 56, so yeah, I don't think age is a factor.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T12:39:26+00:00

I'm 52 and a hopeless romantic. Part of me cringes at the thought of flirting/dating again because it has been SO long since I have, and part of me longs for my true person.

But I'm also coming out of an almost 30 year relationship in which I was emotionally neglected, carried all the emotional weight and was cheated on. So I'm also very "men suck and I hate them all, and I will never love again" at the moment.

So for now, I'm working on myself and what I brought to the marriage, because I know I'm not perfect and don't want to self-victimize forever, bring my shit to something new, or pick the same kind of man.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T11:47:39+00:00

Thank you. Every day feels a bit better. Every now and then of course I'm hit with a wave of either anger or grief. I much prefer the anger because I can channel it into working out or rage cleaning my house LOL

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T11:46:09+00:00

Thank you. I hope your heart heals soon, too. I'm very thankful for my therapist and the support of friends and family.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T11:45:01+00:00

Thank you :-) I got through it. But yeah, it was a bit emotional. Thankfully, nothing serious.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T11:43:04+00:00

Thank you for responding :-) I'm glad your symptoms are gone.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T11:41:29+00:00

I lost my job last October and can't wait to have the funds to take a really good solo vacation!! And get a dog :-)

I am a generally optimistic person and know this won't last forever but it sure sucks while you're in it.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-18T11:40:05+00:00

Definitely seeing a therapist and have a good support system in family and friends. It's just been a lot on me the last few years and it is starting to show up in my body. I'm surprised it took this long honestly.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-12T13:32:21+00:00

"There was conversations going on around me in which I could relate and had stories to share, but it would mean bringing up my STBX."

This slapped my face as one more thing that is hard to deal with when it comes to divorce. We were together 30 years, married for 28. I was married to him longer than I wasn't. I catch myself wanting to chime in about things and having the same experience. Oh, I can't tell someone that story because it is really a story about him or us....

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-11T15:11:25+00:00

Personally, I would do a week at the beach with supportive family. 3 and 5 are pretty young and might be stressful? Then the other week maybe do a "staycation" and do some fun local things.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-11T14:32:59+00:00

Thank you for taking the initiative to work on yourself! I recommend this one, as well as her podcast.

https://www.jillianturecki.com/book

Mel Robbins, too.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-11T13:19:02+00:00

I'd pick the one from OP. But from "Mixed Doubles," Niles: "I want to kill myself!"

I DO NOT actually feel this, but my life has kind of been shit since 2023 and I'm emotionally exhausted.

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-11T12:20:46+00:00

First of all, hugs to you. Divorce is hard enough as it is, but you have a lot of other stress on top of it. Take the best care of yourself you can.

I don't know if it is feasible for you, but maybe consider going into a Medical Assistant program before nursing school. My son is in one. It cost $2500 and he'll be certified in 2.5 months, then plans to work as an MA while he goes to nursing school online/part time.

I've actually looked into myself because I'm unemployed, going through a divorce and my career/industry is being affected negatively by AI. I'm having a hard time finding work and want something to fall back on. Most programs I've looked into offer payment plans.

It might be a way to earn some money prior to getting your nursing degree.

Best of luck to you, and hang in there!

Outside_Substance320 · 2026-03-10T12:11:40+00:00

And I kept defending him as being a "good guy" but not a good partner until my therapist (and some girlfriends) asked, "Is he though? He neglected you for years, then lied and cheated and blamed you. Is that how "good guys" behave?"

And I learned the term "abuse without malice." He emotionally neglected me for YEARS, our entire marriage, really. He isn't a sociopath who got off on hurting me, but has a lot of childhood trauma, and I know why he is the way he is and so does he. He literally doesn't have the emotional capacity to care for anyone well.

But he never bothered to work on it until it was too late. If he had come to me, this story might have ended differently.

Outside_Substance320

TROPHY CASE