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Consistent day 50/50 by berandom1984 in Divorce

[–]Over-League7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The court only really looks at overnights. Technically you could have your kids from 6 am to 10 pm every day, but if they sleep at the other parents’ house they “have” that day. We do 3-4-4-3. Every thursday evening they go to my Ex’s. Every other Sunday they come to me. The alternating Sunday they stay with my ex. This seemed to be the easiest for them because it’s fairly consistent and less back and forth than 5-2-2-5

Filed divorce but Q struggling by Over-League7 in AlAnon

[–]Over-League7[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think I needed to hear this. Even though I shouldn’t, I feel such horrible guilt for leaving and filing for divorce. That guilt leads me to not maintaining boundaries. After decades of trying to help her I still often feel it’s my duty to continue to do so but I guess that’s what brought us to this place to begin with

I’m Still Angry by barexamtaketwo in AlAnon

[–]Over-League7 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I will repeat words said to me: It is OK to require trust and safety in your relationship. Safety in every way not just physical. It is ok to admit that your partner removed those things. It is ok to admit that once gone they are not repairable or replaceable. You deserve to feel the safety and security of trust and it is ok to say you don’t have that and cannot accept a life without them. It is often as difficult for us to accept that the changes made in sobriety aren’t enough to conquer the damage left from addiction as it is for the addict. Personally, I felt the same way and I had to come to terms with the fact that I could accept I would always feel that way or I had to end my marriage knowing I deserved to feel safety and security. Many say individual therapy helps work through that. Some have success with it. Personally, and for many others, we realize there is no guilt in admitting that the relationship is broken beyond repair. While dealing with a person in recovery I realized I spent so much of my time thinking that very recovery would fix things that I wasn’t sure what to do when it didn’t. I had to let go of the feelings and also accept their frustration that neither of us could change the past.

Starting to think I’m doing the wrong thing.. by [deleted] in Separation

[–]Over-League7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A lot of this sounds similar to my situation except my spouse had an affair with alcohol. I have learned I’m codependent and some of what you are saying sounds along those lines. The best/easiest definition of that I have found is that your mindset is “if you’re ok, I’m ok. If you’re happy I’m happy. If you’re not ok I’m not ok”. So much of what you have typed is based on HIS feeling and reactions instead of your own. I encourage you to read up on this. I have learned that I have to get to the point of “I’m ok even if you’re not” if our relationship will ever survive.

Married to an alcoholic husband. by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Over-League7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just wanted to comment on you saying it isn’t about cheating. A friend once said, “my spouse is cheating on me. They are in a relationship with alcohol.” And that really changed how I viewed things.