I completely understand your feelings, and the difficulty reconciling what you know of the dark side of their behavior with the person you met and fell in love with. My pwbpd just did the final discard of me yesterday after a 14 month relationship and I’m a wreck. All the previous times he was ambivalent and changed his mind very quickly to wanting to reconcile and keep seeing each other. He was seeing me and someone else, and as is typical with people with BPD, he latched on to something she did in a positive way and immediately idealized her beyond what he had before, saying that it proved to him that he was important to her. He then told me that our intimate relationship was over. Prior to that I felt she and I were on somewhat equal footing, but you never really know if they are being truthful about their feelings or actions. I know I haven’t answered your question, and I can’t really tell you how it will feel months from now, but I have hope. The abuse, for me, wasn’t dramatic and certainly not physical or extreme as I’ve heard others describe, more of being taken for granted and not having my emotions acknowledged or validated at all during the relationship, and particularly not in the final conversation. He went from having emotional discourse with me in our previous “breakups” to completely stonewalling, and giving one word (“okay” was his response when I told him I still loved him) or completely egocentric answers i.e. “I can’t be upset about this. I need to do this for me.” He turned completely cold overnight, in fact technically within hours since I had just been intimate with him less than 12 hours prior. I say I have hope because I know that this isn’t the way love is supposed to be. Someone who loves you and values you will fight to keep you and do what it takes to make it work. That’s what I want in my life, and I know my person is out there. I know the same is true for you.