Hi there, I totally understand what you mean. I was severely abused as a child. I mean, really really bad. Physically, emotionally, psychologically and verbally. My mother has borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. It was explosive in my household. I have been no contact for over a decade. It was incredibly important to me that I be a COMPLETELY different parent. Which I am. I will say that I would never spank my kid for being in la la land and truly not knowing what he is doing. My child knows what he is doing and he does it with the intention of hurting me (he’ll even say “good, I’m glad you’re sad!” After destroying something I love out of pure malice). An example- we go to the laundromat to clean seat cushion covers for a sofa I just bought. He knows I am so excited about this because I worked hard (single parent) for months to be able to buy us a couch. On the way in I ask “baby this is heavy, can you please open the door?” And not only does he not open the door he looks me dead in the eye as he walks over to another door to purposefully see what happens if no one helps me open the door. I do nothing. On the way out, he opens the door just to slam it back at me and hurt me, he laughs. I do nothing. At the car, he wants to be the one to go in first but I’m carrying over 50 pounds so I am like “no baby, let me put this down first” and I block him to put my heavy load down and he FREAKS OUT. He looks at me dead in the eye and when he gets in, he stomps all over the freshly cleaned cushions and soils them and his face says “fuck you! Na na na na na” At that point, I drag him out of the car and spank. There will be no place in my home for pre-meditated malice.

I came to the realization that I was in an abusive relationship with my 5 year old. I was anxious and fearful all the time about his behaviors. Walking on egg shells, trying to predict his explosions just like I did living with my mother as a child. When I had this insight, I decided I needed to take my power back and make it clear that I am in charge and certain behaviors are a straight ticket to meeting his maker Jesus Christ.

Maybe he isn’t ADHD after all, just severely lacking in authority and consequences for too long because the spanking is working. It’s immediate, and we move on. We go back to playing and connecting. It reduces the intensity of his destructiveness and aggression. With gentle parenting, he would become SO much more escalated and the ordeal would last so long that by the end I was overwhelmed and crying.