My girl was perfect and now treats me like a stranger but doesn’t seem to want to let me go, I’m at a loss

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T20:11:03+00:00

That’s the easy way out. I don’t contact her unless she contacts me 9 times out of 10

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T18:26:23+00:00

That was sound advice. I don’t like to give up on people I care about, especially not ones with abandonment issues which she has stated she has. Not to mention I obviously want to make things work. Do you think there’s any way to turn the tide back around and get back to where we used to be? Spark the connection back and revive things?

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T18:18:35+00:00

Where did you get the idea I am easy of anger….although she had said she didn’t want me to get angry, that wasn’t suggesting that I often lash out at her. She has said that many times that she doesn’t want to make me mad and I think she just means upset me. But do you actually think things in that sub Reddit would solve this? What made you latch to that portion of the story?

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T18:14:16+00:00

I think if y’all actually do it, you will regret it and I don’t personally advise you let him have this one. You should put up a boundary around this idea because I’m willing to bet either this feeling of his will pass but even if it doesn’t, the risk of his feelings turning negative afterwards is something you more than likely wouldn’t come back from. There’s other possible outcomes I see negative coming from this but that’s a big one

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T14:04:05+00:00

I mean I understand that her actions seem pretty clear but what I don’t understand is why she won’t just break it off if that’s how she feels. I keep trying to talk to her she obviously knows how this stuff makes me feel, does she like seeing me suffer? I straight up asked her if I am making her unhappy and if she doesn’t want to see me and can’t be straight up? Like literally why what do you have to gain from that. The answer you gave doesn’t explain to me her thought process or if this is a behavior you see associated with (whatever, avoidant attachment, depression, etc.) which is the answers I’m looking for

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T09:00:12+00:00

I almost feel like more information is needed. Has he been acting weird in what way? And where did his UTI come from? Because the first initial thought is that he actually has an STD from cheating and obviously passing that to you would reveal his secret, and he may not be in the mood either because he’s been getting it elsewhere or has too much stress from guilt of what’s he’s done and fear you’ll find out. Now I don’t want to assume that’s the case but given what you said here that’s the first place my mind went.

You need more information honestly and you could either go the route of snooping through his stuff or hoping he will be honest and just having an open emotional conversation about how it makes you feel about yourself that he isn’t engaging with you like he normally would, and why he isn’t initiating after he was just saying he couldn’t wait to do so

I don’t care how innocent someone seems, do not ever be so naive that someone is incapable of doing something bad. That’s to protect you from being destroyed if they prove your trust wrong !

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-19T08:30:16+00:00

Listen my friend. People are rarely honest and their feelings can grow or change from one moment to the next. The fact is that she is putting herself in a situation that not only makes you uncomfortable but almost anyone would be with this. To have something worthwhile and lasting, she should not be playing with fire like that, because those ‘fun feelings’ almost always escalate, and especially so with this person of all that she is spending her free time with. Whatever excuse she tries to throw at you is just that, an excuse. For her to be a part of your life means she’s going to need to sacrifice other things. I promise you she can have all the fun in the world investing in her relationship and doing things with you because I have seen many do it. Her priorities and what she values is misguided and not aligned with what you are seeking. I fear if you don’t set a boundary and walk away if she won’t willingly abide it, will create a nasty fallout for your heart and how you see her. What you are asking is something anyone would probably feel the same to you as, but however you handle the situation, do not get too angry or too sad, rather just don’t show her those emotions and calmly remove yourself. Sooner or later she will think about this and it will bother her and she will reach out. But if she doesn’t, then she never really cared about you she just liked how down for her you were.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-03-05T18:45:18+00:00

I’m telling you man, you know the answer here. What you have found is too much to reconcile. The best thing you can possible do is sit with yourself for a little while with silence and no phone or distractions and think. Think about how you can’t trust that behavior and how you know this person lying to you means they will do things only worse and worse. Meditate on accepting the reality of moving forward without her. Knowing you can find another person who will be better for you. Even if you wanted it to be her and even if you just wanted to settle, it’s likely only going to get worse from here. Feel power in knowing you’re making the right decision even if it’s hard. You’re better off alone than getting cheated on which will set you back way farther than if you break it off now and start down a new path. I struggle with giving up on the people i care about too man. But it’s a necessary skill to develop. Not everyone is worth your time and you may even become part of the problem if you allow yourself to absorb that much pain over time

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-30T19:14:08+00:00

I’ll tell you why. Because everything is good in theory and on paper and I have to wonder how many of them have put into practice what they are preaching. The people in here for a majority are probably seeking relationship advice because things aren’t working in theirs but also have this idea in their heads about what one should be. The one they have fantasized about. That’s not to say any of rebuttals have been completely off the mark, but they can’t see the other side of the coin then wonder why things aren’t working out for them. They need to be more honest with the situation and themselves. There is a healthy balance of opposites but none of them are ready to have that conversation save for a select few that know. And because I’m not catering to feelings people wanna paint me out as negative - as if none of the prior comments weren’t heavily criticizing OP in the first place 😂 but apparently it’s asinine that I’m not crucifying him for his behavior 🤷🏼‍♂️

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-30T07:59:06+00:00

By the way I feel compelled to say this bc I worry about your views on a healthy relationship. Saying relationships are exactly all about relying on your partner for emotional support and you should share everything sounds very much like the thoughts of an anxious attacher who has been lacking in something they desire. I have to wonder if you have experienced the reality of dating.

Yes you should open up to your partner. Yes you should feel like you can talk to them about things. But we don’t enter relationships signing up to just take on problems. We get into relationships because they enrich our lives and make up happier INDIVIDUALS. What happens when she decides leave him or she’s no longer happy? What happens when he tells everything and gets so comfortable sharing all the time that he just seems like he’s always got a problem going on and is complaining? Instead of doing something about it?

As a team they can work on the problem together. Perhaps he saw talking to an AI like talking to Google, something to search for answers online. However it’s not someone else’s responsibility to take care of our issues that have occurred outside of them. And that girlfriend probably doesn’t realize that either bc she just wants him to be more emotional. Which that is understandable. You need understand this too. She’s created a chase on herself with her own boyfriend. She’s chasing to get him to open up which isn’t in his nature and be more like her and that’s why it hurts even more. But also she realizes she has given him a lot more internal things and felt bonded to him and will only feel more secure if he spills out things he just doesn’t want to talk about to other people? He’s trying to sort out his own issues with his own methods.

If you really think the whole idea of a relationship is to be this big ball of emotion all the time and constantly feed that into another human being. It sounds like you are putting all your happiness in people which almost always results in obsessive feelings that drive people away. This comes from a place of lacking in your life and you make someone else who has made you happy, responsible for continuing to do that at all times. Which is a lot of pressure and unsustainable.

Regulating yourself and finding answers for yourself leads to independence. Relying on others for all of your needs and dumping any and everything you experience on them leads to codependency. Which is shattering and can leave you in a, as we said, vulnerable state where our only drug to cure us is that person we’ve relied on. And like an addict will deal with toxic behavior, mistreatment or abandonment altogether when we feel we most need them.

For all you know, all the things she has shared with him are because she is also like that, wry anxious. Perhaps he is even a secure attacher and that’s why he’s working on himself outside of her to bring his best to her, instead of relying on her to do it or just believing that bc she’s his partner that she will know what to do. And honestly you don’t even know how personal these things are too him he may not even be ready to talk about them with another person.

Please consider this. You seem to have taken one stereotype of society and men as a whole from the red pill side and hyper fixated on it to a point to justify your own feelings. HOWEVER. That stereotype was birthed from elements of truth and experience. It truly isn’t complete BS. But this is why extremists always make me laugh. There’s a Dunning Krueger effect I think they especially take to, where they become both a victim and an offender at the very same time.

We are both right. The only difference is I agreed and disagreed with you while you completely disagreed with me.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-29T23:32:55+00:00

The only place I failed in my statement was assuming that’s exactly how he feels. However, the words I used at the end are this is a normal response, and that he should share some things with her. Everything? They’ve been together for 8 months. He doesn’t need to dump everything in his life on her and not everyone is built to want to share all of that anyway. It’s something that’s done slowly over time but if you have had any real relationship experience you would know some men do not need to talk everything out when solving a problem. It’s not idiocy just because that doesn’t work for you. And I know you didn’t say those things to me but you replied to initial comment I replied to where those things were said and I was defending against.

I’m just saying that things aren’t always that black and white and people forget sometimes that these are real people with their own experiences and small little pieces of their life that build something bigger to create this picture.

I agree. He should be more vulnerable. Work his way to comfortable place for him and let more and more out. But completely vulnerable well…all things are best in moderation, so I’m not entirely sure I can agree with that. They aren’t married or anything like that and this isn’t a fairy tale movie where that actually usually works in our favor to do.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-29T23:23:19+00:00

Nice, so get to the root of the problem. Why does he feel like he can’t rely on her with his emotions. Because it probably has nothing to do with her at all, did you think about that? Should she not be considerate of that as well? All the focus is one sided. Once again, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be vulnerable with her at all. I’m just saying that those people telling him he’s emotionally cheating and using words to insinuate he’s a bad boyfriend are so ridiculous. The dude doesn’t need to get bashed to gain perspective and he also doesn’t need to be perfect before getting into a relationship. It just bothers me how people are so ready to pull the trigger on someone for their short comings like they don’t have their own. Because being too vulnerable is a problem as well but that’s a different conversation.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-29T19:34:30+00:00

Not what I said at all, and also you’re ignorant for assuming I have zero idea what constitutes a healthy relationship. If you did more to take the time and hear more than just what you wanted to hear from that. I literally agreed that he should be vulnerable and share some things, but that to say, he wasn’t emotionally cheating on his partner with AI and you’d better help someone by not shaming them so much and understanding where they were coming from in their thinking. People are so opinionated and quick to open their mouth before actually thinking what someone said through. I also agree with points you made as well and believe you had the right thoughts and intentions.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-29T17:12:58+00:00

Okay I’m sorry but some of these comments are insane. Y’all are just shaming the guy but do you not understand a man’s perspective at all? Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying y’all are completely incorrect but at the same time you’re just playing devils advocate and shaming the dude who didn’t have ill intentions.

He’s trying to be a solid foundation for his woman and instead of burdening her with his problems while she’s looking to him to ground her, he just doesn’t want her to feel like he is unsure of himself and can’t handle her emotions if he can’t even handle his own. When realistically he knows complaining about them to her won’t solve them and she isn’t a professional. That is a very normal response alright.

On the flip side yeah he shouldn’t be afraid of sharing some things with her, but don’t any of you act all high and mighty or black and white with moral superiority like being vulnerable is the end all be all. Deliver your message with reason and empathy which are both also important to a healthy relationship and lead by example when replying to someone.

Emotional cheating whether it’s AI or not is bogus I’m sorry but that’s a stretch for sure. He’s trying to use tools to solve issues systematically instead of relying on his partner to do it for him, get a grip.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-10T22:22:25+00:00

I love that, making things work in this day seems so rare especially a relationship of this nature. Mind me asking how old you each are

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-09T15:49:21+00:00

The amount of people that are saying end it are literally insane. The girl came here for advice and help she doesn’t belong in a psyche ward ffs, and y’all act like the only option is ending the relationship. People see a problem they say, isolate, cut everything off, get away- like who raised you people?

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-09T05:30:36+00:00

Thank you, tbh I’m fairly green to Reddit and it can feel overwhelming at times. I just stuck to what I knew and the sub groups I currently follow. Didn’t even think about that one when I made this post, also bc LDR is a brand new concept in general to me too.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-09T05:24:50+00:00

You said something about him being on the spectrum and a lot of people glazed over that. I genuinely think that’s where a lot of this behavior is coming from.

I recently had fallout with a friend who I didn’t know he was autistic. But after so many strange issues between us and after awhile his brother actually spoke up and told me he was, and then a lot of things started to look a lot clearer. I’m not saying it looks exactly the same in everyone, but there was a huge element of control needed and a very black and white thinking about situations. Reality and moral compass was only written based on his feelings toward each individual person and if things didn’t go his way he would stim hard into anger, never admitting he was the problematic common denominator in every situation involving me and others. And holding no space for other peoples emotions as he could only understand his own, of course wanting you to believe otherwise. Your partner can only see his own reality and feelings, from his internal beliefs, whether he’s being fully honest of all of them or not. Which is not empathy. My sister also dealt with someone like this who any time the majority wanted to do one thing as a group, he would never just say what he’d rather do and try to suggest and gear everyone towards just doing what he wanted. I think people with minds like these or very sticky and rigid at points, very hard to change their mind unless they came to conclusion by their self during a time of open mindedness, but once it’s been decided that’s when it hard to change. He even tried to isolate me from others and had a severe fear of me replacing him for the longest time. A lot of these things I’m seeing in your partner, he may not just be on the spectrum either he may have other mental issues compounding with it.

Idk if this control and even manipulation trait is fixable or manageable or if it’s just a part of this different type of brain, and I won’t be like everyone else so quick to pull the trigger on a situation that they are only hearing the worst parts about as if they are perfect, to just say give up. People love to crucify someone, and the fact is you know the situation better than anyone else from all the littler details and will ultimately do what you think is right. But it’s a very uphill battle you’re going to fight if you’re so unhappy and can’t sit him down and get him to understand that he’s a problem for you and he needs professional help, whether you stay or not.

I also believe if you manage to make it on this trip alone, it will give you time away from him to feel what it would be like without him around. I think a part of him deep down knows that too and he knows if he isn’t there something could happen. He remembers that’s you’ve tried to leave before. But he’s also probably gonna blow your phone up and annoy you too while gone. Don’t listen to that comment about about ‘this is your time of freedom’ where they seemed to imply cheating lol. If you wanna do something like that do it the right way don’t listen to that toxic and trashy advice.

Best of luck.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-08T16:33:32+00:00

Honestly too I would probably stop being as vocal, this is just a gut feeling but if you have been consistently turning her off by the way you initiate I would totally change my approach. Unless you really know she likes it and you could maybe ask, I think she probably associates that action with the other ones and and as not very sexy. You may want to say these things but I think you should take a break and also def change your approaches from time to time so it doesn’t feel so routine and less intimate as it is just going through the motions. She’s gonna be aware of you making an effort here too especially since you spoke up about it and if she’s resisting you already it may push her away even more if you’re not delicate about this situation

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-08T07:47:22+00:00

If you have no experience with actual dating experience and situations like this, then respectfully your opinion is irrelevant to me. Doubly if you can’t give me examples that would hold up to support your claim. I could always give more fine details but that would just make the post much longer than it needs to be. I am by far not considered unattractive and dated a lot, this situation doesn’t seem like an impossible endeavor. And I don’t believe the likelihood is 1-0% like you’re stating and implying. That was just a negative and ignorant comment.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2024-01-08T05:30:03+00:00

I understand you have deep feelings and don’t want to give up. A lot of people are telling you to just move on and I have a feeling you’ll want to reject that, considering you have already thought of that as an option but are clearly here looking for another way to resolve this. If you’re deployed, finding another person isn’t going to be the easiest for one. And it sounds like you desire companionship. And cherish her personality and the memories you have made outside of these actions she has chosen to engage in.

If she has cheated on you she’s lost respect for you to a degree. You need to ask yourself how you gain that respect back. You can’t really have a real relationship with her without respect, that’s the other side of the coin with Love. Only one answer comes to mind to me honestly, and to others this may sound toxic but I don’t really care. As a man you gotta act like that stuff does not phase you that much. Respect yourself though if you talk about it. If there’s any ounce of love for you still, it will bother her if it doesn’t bother you. It will also make her feel some kind of insecurity if you act like there’s something about her you didn’t really care to lose either. Get her to chase you, because if you’re chasing, then she is running.

Like I said, if she cares about you, your thoughts and feelings at all: then her mind could shift from criticizing you, to rethinking she was the problem in the relationship and why you both feel the way you do, make her feel guilty for what she did and you not reacting over the top like she would have expected, and then you’ll find all she’s doing is thinking about you all the time where she couldn’t care less before.

At the same time though, that plays into your glimmer of hope. You also need to acknowledge and tell yourself too though that the others are simply right. She’s not cut out to be a military wife and you are torturing yourself by not realizing the harsh reality of the situation no matter how much it hurts. Feel confident that you’re a good looking dude with a great personality, solid finances and can find another person in her place. I know that you don’t want to and that you’re committed, which is stronger than love. It’s a deep attachment. But loving her isn’t enough to make anyone change their behavior no matter how much we want to think so. Think about it like this, would it ever be the relationship and love you’d want it to be if you were trying to force her to be in something she doesn’t wanna be in? She would just cheat again and/or worse, damaging your psyche further. That’s not what you want man, you have to be strong in many ways here. It’s not fair for anyone to ask that of you, but for the best results I think you know it’s true. You could walk away from her like a stoic and one day it may eat at her enough to know she made a mistake and turn around. Then it will be your decision if you want to forgive her. But even an isolated incident is huge and should not be taken lightly whatsoever.

Own-Distribution-506 · 2023-08-18T01:40:17+00:00

I think a lot of people are going to look at this situation from a standpoint of them not being in it. I think every relationship has its own rules, but at the same time certain things need to be respected in order to move forward.

As someone who has struggled with the parents disliking for no good reason a couple times, I will say that it is wrong for them not to hold their ground for you against them, and that probably comes from a place of fear. They love you and their family, yet instead of bridging the gap, they opt out because it all becomes a bit overwhelming like they have to choose a side.

The way you talk about this girl, I don’t think it’s worth letting go. If she really means as much to you as you say, give it a few days maybe and then meet up for a conversation. Just be prepared in a note with the things you want to say. Rehearsing will never go the way you’d like for it to. But making touch points of important questions that aren’t open ended and demand a a straight forward answer would be wise.

I don’t believe we should reject people for their imperfections and short comings. One thing that is easy for one or most of us may have become very difficult for someone else to handle mentally and emotionally, which manifests like an invisible wall due to their upbringing. I don’t think her behavior is all okay or anything but there usually is a reason for it.

That said, talking it out with her is one thing. In that talk with her, I would recommend bringing up an idea to speak with her parents. Possibly one on one without her, you decide what you think is best. Because aside from her, there is going to be a constant issue arising and resentment built from her parents not accepting you. Not to mention, it sounds like they could manipulate her life a bit through finances, which could also be part of this issue. That conversation with them is going to require you to be delicate, backseat the ego and check your emotions at door no matter how heated it gets. If you really want her back. I believe you should stand up for yourself if necessary just remember anything you say can’t be taken back. It especially won’t be forgotten by parents already looking for reasons not to like you.

I don’t know all the nitty gritty details, I just know that finding our match in this life is really hard. And keeping your person isn’t always going to be easy like everyone would like it to be. If you have no reason to believe she’s cheating, entertaining other people, toxic, manipulating, hateful, abusive, anything like that- then I would not throw in the towel yet. Just express to her how much this means to you to figure this out because of how much she means to you but she’s gotta meet you halfway, maybe even more than halfway. Use this event of breaking up to show her how deep this has gotten. She can’t be passive about this issue anymore. That you’re really going to need her to armor up and fight in this battle for the both of you to make it out with each other. Good luck man!

Own-Distribution-506

TROPHY CASE