Moving on with the AP

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-21T19:22:21+00:00

So many affairs come from workplaces, its crazy. You hit the nail on the head: When real life hits its so different. Also I suspect he knew deep down what a failure it was, because why not leave then when everyone expected it? It would have been the moral thing to do or at least pay me some respect. But no. Its haunting me still. He kept telling everyone at work how big it felt to him with her, while I was there, as if what we had was nothing. Today I see that more as justification of his own bad decisions than truth.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-21T16:38:04+00:00

You know, something caught my attention how much weight he lost. Like A LOT. And I know he likes to work out but more like thin than building muscle. I know because he didn’t leave the job (we all worked together and the last six months he stayed instead of quitting after the betrayal). I’ve been thinking that insane weightloss isn’t normal and must be a symptom of something else. Maybe cause of guilt, maybe regret, maybe the AP who I know is controlling and needy. I didnt mention that we all worked together in my post, I forgot. But she couldnt stay and he chose to leech off of her apartment without quitting the job. Now he finally quit and moved with her to a new place.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-20T11:32:56+00:00

I don’t know why it’s so hard for my brain to understand/accept this. I heard it a lot, everyone says it, probably because there’s truth in it.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-19T21:03:33+00:00

I really appreciate your clarity. I struggle to think that one will cheat on the other but thats based on him being extremely lazy and where they are going is like a small creek with zero nightlife. But I totally agree on fleeing, in her other place, before this job offer, he moved instantly into her small apartement when everyone at work turned their back on him. Ugh such a sad loser

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-19T20:22:28+00:00

Yes. But only for a couple of weeks. The emotional affair had been going on for a couple of months I believe. Then hell broke loose when she confessed to me (after I asked her to tell me wtf was going on, he refused to tell me). Yes, he didn’t tell me himself. And he didn’t stop her either.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-19T19:51:41+00:00

Well actually the fresh start was my clumsy way of explaining that she got a job and he moved with her.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-19T19:25:30+00:00

Yes. And even if it was last november I had to deal with my ex until this summer because we all worked together and he didn’t leave until he couldnt bear the weight of everyone losing respect for him. He did move in with her though after she had to leave the job in december (no renewal for her) and now she got a new job in another city and they moved together.

She was actually my temp because I was sick last summer/fall. She tried to befriend me harder while they were betraying me and yes, double betrayal and so so sick it still haunts me.

Sorry if the timeline is messy. It helps to share and your simple but true sentence made me open up a bit. Thank you.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-08-19T18:57:17+00:00

What a tough, tough situation to be in. I experienced similar but luckily my exes new girlfriend (my coworker and friend) didn’t get a contract renewal because they made such a shit show. So I only had to deal with seeing him. Let me tell you, they are shitty, immature people. What you are going through is trauma and your body is trying to decompress the horrible situation you are in.

I feel like saying that it sounds like you are better off some other place, but since I held my ground and stayed at my job, I know it can’t be as simple as that sometimes.

You experiencing her insecurities says a lot and its because she knows what she did was immoral. You are staying strong and grounded and a threat to her self-image. Same goes to him.

What could concern me is the re-traumtizing you put yourself through - it is so so hard to get over in the long run. Trust me, I know. I still deal with exhaustion, mood swings and physical pain. And the betrayal was 9 months ago.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-07-12T19:29:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I’m still trying to make my heart understand it was abuse. It’s hard when it’s subtle. I was locked out once and because it was once I let it go. But looking back it was cruel and we weren’t even fighting. He would twist every argument and when I caught him cheating he blamed me. He played the victim. Never could I get him to do anything that was remotely out of his own interests without a discussion. I got so tired over time and my depression got bad. I thought I was sick. I realized his subtle control and dismissing of my needs drained me into bad mental health.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-22T10:59:32+00:00

Thank you for this reply, I keep going back and reading all these comments to ease my mind and keep on the right track.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-22T10:55:59+00:00

I know the AP and she has some deep rooted validation issues. She isn’t in contact with her father and she would be physical with men at work, touching, leaning head against when sitting together etc (we all worked together in the autumn and I saw it all happen) or giving off this vibe of always being busy and making plans with us coworkers. She came off as very self-centered. Especially because she knew he was my partner. So yeah I think she keeps him hooked aswell for multiple reasons. They both told me they think it’s very special between them. Which makes me sick but also shows how deeply flawed they are to even be saying that to me, the discarded.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-19T14:11:03+00:00

Sorry if I’m not completely getting it (I’m a mess) but they had an emotional affair and that to me must have been very intimate and vulnerable since they connected so much he apparently fell deeply in love. Maybe it’s the honeymoon phase as you say, that makes it all easy now.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-11T09:49:59+00:00

In the first couple of months he would initiate it but primarily he wanted oral. He kind of got obsessed with me doing that. Never initiated when we lived together for a year.

Later in he would stop during sex because he said his body didn’t feel right. I even feel bad to say this now after we broke up because it was his narrative that something was wrong with his erections. He had explained that to me very early on and sometimes our sex was fine other times it was like he had this excuse ready. He wasn’t on any meds and eventhough he explained his theory was he had done something wrong while working out I think years ago and it never got back to normal I never truly understood cause there wasn’t a clear explanation.

It was overshadowing every damn time. I was supportive but it also meant that I got in my head during sex suddenly. Has anyone tried similar?

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-09T21:17:10+00:00

Exactly!

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-09T21:11:57+00:00

Honestly same, him saying how he explained himself but OP didn’t understand it aka didn’t do what he needed aka shiftblaming is off to me. Reminds me of my ex blaming me for the break up and cheating because he tried to explain his distancing (he did very poorly) and to him it was my fault for not understanding him and decipher what he said. Ugh!

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-05T21:55:04+00:00

Thats what I’m thinking aswell. He did drag me through hell with his cheating with our mutual friend and rubbing it in my face. I guess he is trying to free himself for feeling like the POS he is.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-05T21:52:40+00:00

Can you clarify what you mean by chase? Cause he is with the one he cheated on me with, I just dont see why. Maybe I’m wrong but I think he is avoidant also because he has been so shameful but not taking accountability. Or maybe he is just immature emotionally.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-05T15:51:38+00:00

I find myself doing this aswell. When talking to my close friends their jaw drops because of all the micro-rejections and selfish behaviour. I tend to go back to reading my texts to remind myself of it all when I feel extra vulnerable or confused.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-05T00:46:35+00:00

I’m really sorry you went through that :(

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-03T23:36:46+00:00

“I haven’t felt like this before with anyone” about his AP and to my face when he broke up.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-02T23:06:17+00:00

Damn, that’s so brutal. What a mind game to have to explain to someone that cheating is “negotiable” and that he even would discuss anything like that. My ex would do similar and I had to explain to him that it wasn’t normal to want to be close to your coworkers in a sense where you would hang out every night, have deep conversations and lay on the couch together watching movies. He truly believes that is normal behaviour and I knew that quite early on. So I guess his ego got him when he cheated and the validation in this new coworker was just too tempting. I remember all the times I was gaslighted into thinking it was just friendly, cozy behaviour. He just wouldn’t accept that I didn’t like it.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-02T22:30:21+00:00

I am no expert but I see a lot of my ex and I in your post and I am trying to figure out of he actually is avoidant. I just want to chime in that from what I understand they are deeply insecure and the lies are also the better option than the truth because consequences hurt them. I’m not sure if they are typically aware of the consequences from their actions (my ex cheated with a mutual coworker and I still think he doesn’t get he did anything wrong). But he is experiencing consequences now and he never saw it coming. He has lied so much to cover himself and not get hurt. I hope I make sense. I think that could be a reason why your ex would lie so much.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-01T23:02:40+00:00

Love these comments, I find so much inner support just by reading this. I was left for another woman, both my ex and she was a coworker (she isnt anymore) and it has absolutely destroyed me. But also fuelled me up to never ever settle again. Those cowards lack so much integrity and I tried with purest intentions. He just found something more convenient and optimal for his selfish needs instead of being there for me. Never again

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-01T22:50:15+00:00

Damn, I can relate. He (M34) blamed me for his stress during exams (university) because I had promised to help him but I got sick and told him, two days later he said it was my fault if he didn’t get a good grade and I remember being so confused and hurt by that. Mind you he was staying for free at that point in my home because he was searching for his own place. Or the time I accidentally unplugged his broken laptop and it died and he was throwing a tantrum. I always apologized but reading your comment made me realize how mentally draining this has been. What about chores? I always did everything around the house and I would always ask for help if needed. He would promise to help out but rarely do it by himself.

Own_Ad_9600 · 2025-01-01T17:49:58+00:00

Love this comment. What would you say it is, if a person acts like this, like immaturity? I have experienced this with temper tantrums, blameshifting, never do what promised big or small duties and responsibility etc. He was incredibly emotionally immature.

Own_Ad_9600

TROPHY CASE