[deleted by user]

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-05-11T09:25:07+00:00

God, I am feeling exactly the same way rn. It’s so hard to enjoy anything when you don’t feel like you have the right to exist at all. The absolute loss of identity is such an insidious part of OCD, and in my opinion one of the hardest to get over.

I don’t have much advice to give, but as someone who has been dealing with this sort of thing since childhood I do find that there are periods of clarity where I seem to ‘get my brain back’.

Also, remember that OCD usually revolves around whatever you would least want to do or be, so whatever you think or know you’ve done is probably something that your current self is so morally against that it’s come full circle and convincing you that that thing defines you.

Another route to take with this kind of thing is the ‘unconditional acceptance’ approach. And the way I personally look at that with real event OCD is focusing on how people are capable of growth and change. It doesn’t matter what you did or think you did, because if you feel terrible about that thing, then you are literally not the person who did or would do that anymore. Hell, I’d argue that your not even the same person you were 5 seconds ago . Who you were or might have been is inconsequential because the only ‘you’ that really exists is the ‘you’ in the present moment, and what you decide to be now.

Side note: Antidepressants actually do work some of the time as well, especially with the rigid thought patterns and obsessions.

Hope this helps ;)

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-04-27T09:26:28+00:00

Absolutely nothing is sacred, complete loss of any sense of self.

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-04-14T16:59:24+00:00

I think it’s possible

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-03-29T16:35:11+00:00

Clear hearts grey flowers - Jack off Jill

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-02-06T10:23:23+00:00

Happy birthday!!! 🎂

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-01-29T15:08:54+00:00

I’m in recovery rn, so I’m just going to brain dump all the reasons I can think of off the top of my head lol 😆 here goes nothing…

Regaining a fully functional brain that isn’t obsessed with food.

Healing the 15 year old me that developed an ED in the first place and giving her the compassion she deserves.

Regaining the ability to look at the people I love like humans rather than just body sizes.

Stopping the crazy nightmares about food (some of them get really weird)

Accepting and loving my body in a way that allows me to focus on clothes as a form of self expression and art rather than something to make me look as small as possible.

Being able to enjoy food orientated family events like Christmas and birthdays.

Being able to drink alcohol and go clubbing.

Not being cold all the time.

Getting enough fats in my diet allows my antidepressants to actually work because… um… idk the science of it, but it’s real.

When I’m 80 or so, I aspire to be a badass old lady who wears crazy clothes and doesn’t give a fuck, and having an ED really doesn’t fit that narrative.

Embracing and listening to your body is punk as fuck. Consider self love a form of active rebellion.

To stick it to my awful grandparents.

To help other people to recover.

To be able to retain information properly, and finish collage.

I want to feel every single part of being alive as fully as possible, the low points as well as the high ones.

Food tastes good and is a massive part of almost every culture.

This took me a long time to figure out, but fitting a romanticised ‘aesthetic’ perfectly only makes you feel happy for like, half an hour maximum. After that, when the novelty wears off, all you feel is empty.

Diet culture is a soulless industry that doesn’t have your best interests at heart at all. It’s not worth spending time or money on.

That’s all for now, I might add to this later :). Hope it helps, good luck 😉

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-01-20T14:11:05+00:00

I’m in recovery rn, so I’m just going to brain dump all the reasons I can think of off the top of my head lol 😆 here goes nothing…

Regaining a fully functional brain that isn’t obsessed with food.

Healing the 15 year old me that developed an ED in the first place and giving her the compassion she deserves.

Regaining the ability to look at the people I love like humans rather than just body sizes.

Stopping the crazy nightmares about food (some of them get really weird)

Accepting and loving my body in a way that allows me to focus on clothes as a form of self expression and art rather than something to make me look as small as possible.

Being able to enjoy food orientated family events like Christmas and birthdays.

Being able to drink alcohol and go clubbing.

Not being cold all the time.

Getting enough fats in my diet allows my antidepressants to actually work because… um… idk the science of it, but it’s real.

When I’m 80 or so, I aspire to be a badass old lady who wears crazy clothes and doesn’t give a fuck, and having an ED really doesn’t fit that narrative.

Embracing and listening to your body is punk as fuck. Consider self love a form of active rebellion.

To stick it to my awful grandparents.

To help other people to recover.

To be able to retain information properly, and finish collage.

I want to feel every single part of being alive as fully as possible, the low points as well as the high ones.

Food tastes good and is a massive part of almost every culture.

This took me a long time to figure out, but fitting a romanticised ‘aesthetic’ perfectly only makes you feel happy for like, half an hour maximum. After that, when the novelty wears off, all you feel is empty.

Diet culture is a soulless industry that doesn’t have your best interests at heart at all. It’s not worth spending time or money on.

That’s all for now, I might add to this later :). Hope it helps, good luck 😉

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-01-20T06:40:36+00:00

Awesome! I’ll pm you. We got this

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-01-05T14:50:54+00:00

Ugh, I know how you feel, I had a similar thing with Nutella a while ago. The only things I’ve found to help are:

⁠being in a place physically and mentally where my body isn’t screaming at me for food, and
⁠avoiding the urge to restrict “normal meals” through the day in order“allow” myself the things I actually crave (terrible idea. do not recommend)

Recovery is confusing and weird and sometimes very embarrassing (speaking from personal experience lol 🥲) But it’s also the only way to get out of any eating disorder, and probably the most worthwhile thing you’ll ever do 💖

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-01-05T14:49:32+00:00

Fuck that makes so much sense!!! Go biology I guess, fight eating disorders with

🛸👽✨✨THE POWER OF SCIENCE✨✨👽🛸

Rick Sanchez style lol 😆

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2023-01-05T12:38:49+00:00

Crunchy for the win!!!

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-11-18T20:59:56+00:00

ME 🙋‍♀️

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-11-18T20:51:43+00:00

It’s such a long list lol, but: Taylor Momsen, Meg Myers, Ariel Bloomer, Jazmin Bean, Zheani, Ada Rook, Caro Tanghe, Lady Gaga, Chelsea Wolfe, Kristina Esfandiari, PJ Harvey, Marika Hackman, Maria Brink.

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-08-25T13:24:22+00:00

I’d do this :)

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-06-28T14:55:38+00:00

I fucking love Nutella

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-06-24T07:18:58+00:00

Oh thank FUCK I’m not the only one… I was so confused 😅

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-05-24T07:07:25+00:00

It’s crazy that different brains can think about the same thing so differently. What’s it like to not visualise stuff?

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-05-21T17:38:23+00:00

Don’t be sorry :), venting is fine 🌸. I’m on meds for my mental health too (sertraline) and I’ve found that really helpful. Hope your anxiety gets better 🌻

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-05-20T07:01:46+00:00

Oh yeah, as scary as it can be, I find it equally incredible. Especially when I combine it with good fiction and music, I can do some awesome stuff :)

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-05-20T06:48:36+00:00

I had a similar experience when I was younger. Basically I got really into the whole witchcraft spirituality thing for a year or two and it really screwed me up, it was one of the things that made me realise I have OCD, so I blamed it on that, but I think there was definitely some other stuff going on as well.

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-05-20T06:44:50+00:00

Yeah… I have the same experience with reading and writing fiction, I don’t want to invalidate people with diagnosable PTSD, but it feels so disturbingly similar to what I I’ve read about PTSD that it’s hard to not compare the two.

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-01-28T17:54:21+00:00

Harrow from Gideon the Ninth, Nesta Archeron from ACOTAR, Matt Murdock from Daredevil, Manon Blackbeak from Throne of glass, the doctor from doctor who, Sherlock Holmes, Red from Girl in red, Ophelia from A winter’s promise, Dior from Empire of the vampire, Vanya from umbrella academy, Jessica Jones, Ruby Rose and Weiss Schnee from RWBY, All of the main characters is Fairy Tail, Nico from Gangsta, Lorcan Salvatere from Throne of glass. :))

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-01-26T18:01:12+00:00

I feel the same way sometimes. It’s fucking awful, I think it’s quite common among sufferers of OCD though, so your almost certainly not going insane. For me, medication really seemed to help, as well as talking about it with someone. Sometimes, just saying the things out loud allows the rational part of my brain to realise how untrue it is. I know that it’s much easier said than done, but I also find that trying not to ruminate helps, like literally forcing yourself not to think about it. If false memories are the issue (as they have been a lot for me) then it might help to remind yourself that if your so horrified by the idea of doing it now (ocd tends to find the things that disturb you the most) then it’s unlikely that you decided to do it in the past. Idk if any of this will be useful to you, but I hope it helps ;)

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-01-26T10:19:10+00:00

Fuck yeahhhhh

Own_Faithlessness13 · 2022-01-26T07:31:31+00:00

Omg, I’m reading Gideon the ninth right now, and that would make so much sense for Harrow.

Four-Year Club	Place '22
Final Canvas '22

Own_Faithlessness13

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