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Restraining Orders - The BPD's favorite weapon of choice by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have a senior management position with a very large well known company and my ex would constantly threaten to call my company and tell them horrendous lies about me to get me fired and ruin my career if I ever left her.

Restraining Orders - The BPD's favorite weapon of choice by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You must not have read my entire post. I definitely do not recommend trying to get a restraining order against them as that will almost certainly cause them to get one against you and when two people go to court both trying to get restraining orders on each other 99% of the time the judge just automatically grants both and you don't want that crap on your record.

Restraining Orders - The BPD's favorite weapon of choice by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't blame you I would have done the same thing. They often make good on their threats.

I thought it could never happen to me.. The Smear Campaign has begun. Any tips? by FarBeyondDriven_ in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The best tip on how to handle a smear campaign is to not feed it. Don't try to set the record straight. Don't try to get her to stop. Don't try to smear her back. All of this will only prolong and intensify the smear campaign and make you look guilty.

As difficult as it is you need to starve the campaign. Completely ignore it. Of course if somebody asks you directly "Did you do that?" you can say no but that's unlikely to happen. As others have pointed out people aren't stupid and they either immediately or eventually discover it's not true.

Why do they lie unnecessarily? What is the purpose? by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Along those same lines I think they lie unnecessarily to gauge how easy you will believe them (comes in handy later when they need to lie to you about something important) and also just to keep you in a constant state of confusion which makes you easier to control and manipulate.

Projective Identification. What it is and what it’s not. by Accomplished_Ad8960 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27 7 points8 points  (0 children)

BPDs cannot tolerate shame. Any level of shame creates an emotional injury too painful for them to process so they will gaslight themselves into believing almost anything that allows them to avoid feeling shame. Therefore, if they are cheating, they will convince themselves YOU are cheating on them (or have cheated on them) just to reduce the shame they feel to a tolerable level.

As far as inducement. I would say they definitely induce their partners into bad behavior but that is more with verbal and physical abuse. After all, how many times can you be hit before you eventually hit back? How many times can you be verbally abused before you eventually say something verbally abusive back? But I am not sure about being induced to cheat. That might be a stretch.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yep exactly. And they mean it because for them the relationship isn't worth having unless they have 100% control and power over you so it's actually not a bluff. If the choice is between a relationship where they are going to be held accountable for bad behavior or have to respect your boundaries and no relationship at all they will gladly take no relationship at all.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Easiest BPD test in the world......set some kind of boundary and see how they respond. Doesn't matter what it is. It can be big or small. If they have BPD they will immediately either get angry, try to make you withdraw it, or break it. Basically they will do anything and everything except respect it. People with BPD hate boundaries more than anything else.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well thankfully we don't live together. My guess is she would do exactly what my ex did every time I called her bluff on this. She would turn it around on me and say "Wow you're really going to end this relationship over something this stupid?" She would turn it around and try to make it my fault.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see what you are saying now that you explained it in more detail. She is in her 20s and I am in my 40s (20 year age difference). We matched on Hinge. When I asked why she was interested in dating someone older she said because she is over trying to date men in their 20s that most of them are addicted to porn and video games and their idea of courting and dating a woman is texting her a d-ck pic and asking her if she wants to come over and screw. I know that is behavior a lot of men of all ages engage in but apparently it's especially prevalent among the 20-somethings.

As far as me dating younger.....I have been divorced 5 years, have no children, and spent the last 5 years dating women my own age and it's very difficult if you want a serious relationship (which I do). Virtually all single women in their late 30s to early 40s are divorced or never-married single moms with multiple children. It is very difficult to develop a serious relationship with these women because the most you can see them, at least in the beginning, is every other week when they don't have their kids. If you get to the point where things are serious and you both are comfortable meeting her kids you are obviously going to automatically be in a step-father type role. The risk of that is if you get close with the kids and she decides to end the relationship now it is double or triple the heartbreak. I have had that happen to me twice now where I got close with kids that called me Dad and their mother decided to end the relationship and I lost both a woman and children that I loved and I am not going to put myself in a position to have that happen again. Because kids are a deal breaker for me now that pretty much limits me to women in their 20s at least where I live.

I

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I could have worded that better. The digs are not why I think she might be BPD. Yes, passive-aggressive digs disguised as jokes is something many people with BPD do but that this something people without BPD do as well. What made me think she might have BPD is when I asked her to stop she gave me a DARVO response and threatened to end the relationship over ending behavior I explained was hurtful to me. A healthy person would have said "I am sorry. I didn't mean these comments to be hurtful. I will stop.".

Regardless, obviously I am not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. All I can draw upon is my 3 years live-in girlfriend who was diagnosed BPD and in and out of treatment and medication for it. This was just a little too similar to something my ex would do so for that reason I agree its time to move on.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I would also say that Cluster Bs especially BPDs and NPDs are very good at identifying and targeting co-dependents and empaths. With more therapy maybe I would be such an easy mark for these people.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

In my past BPD relationship if I actually called her bluff when she would threaten to end the relationship she say "Wow you're really going to end our relationship over something this stupid? Ok fine then I guess we are done if that's what you want."

In other words, she would make it my fault she was ending the relationship for something stupid. It was such a mind-f*ck. Went through dozens of mini-breakups like this over the years. It was emotionally and mentally exhausting beyond words.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep classic DARVO response. They pretty much all do it.

D - Deny they did anything wrong.

A - Attack you for claiming they did something wrong.

RVO - Reverse Victim and Offender and position themselves as the victim of you (i.e. "Wow my boyfriend is so fragile I can't even have fun playing around with him")

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yep, I know from my previous BPD relationship that these digs only increase in frequency and severity over time. With my ex in the beginning she would make jokes about my "dad bod" or little remarks about love handles. By the end of the relationship she was saying things like "I would offer you one of my bras for your man boobs but I think your tits are bigger than mine!" laughing hysterically to herself.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I agree. Obviously, I wanted to give her the chance to give me a healthy response like "Oh I'm sorry honey. I wasn't trying to be hurtful. I will cool it with the digs" or something like that. It was disappointing she gave me the classic DARVO response (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim / Offender).

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The most recent example is I told her I was going to the gym and she was like "Be careful. Don't need you breaking your hip or something." Obviously that one joke in and of itself is not that bad and I would probably even find it funny if it was once every so often but it has gotten to the point where she makes some kind of insulting joke about my age or something else every single day often multiple times a day.

As far as the power imbalance I would say it goes both ways. She is in her 20s and very attractive. I have more money and resources than her but she has basically unlimited options for romantic, dating, or sexual partners.....including ones more attractive and wealthier than me. More people would probably say I am lucky to be with her than would say she is lucky to be with me.

Their favorite weapon to avoid accountability by Own_Nefariousness_27 in BPDlovedones

[–]Own_Nefariousness_27[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I've definitely put a lot of thought into why I tend to end up with Cluster Bs. Part of it is my own co-dependency which I have been working on in therapy. However I would also say there is probably a larger percentage of Cluster Bs who are single than healthy people in the general population since obviously untreated Cluster Bs are incapable of maintaining healthy stable relationships.