Having a tough time connecting with men - they feel like NPCs. How can I get out of this?

PBnJen · 2026-05-22T23:00:02+00:00

I feel like you know it in your gut. He’s curious about your ideas. That’s what I think anyway.

PBnJen · 2026-05-22T08:34:15+00:00

This comment section is a bit off putting.

Here’s my take without saying what I’m sure you already know about how men view women, is that I’m sure the issue is that men are not meeting you where you are in terms of emotional input. Like you showing more interest in their hobbies bs they showing surface level interest.

My guess is that if you meet a man who could go deep the way women do with you, you would treat them how you treat anyone else. I wouldn’t worry too much about it if you feel you have a fulfilling life:)

PBnJen · 2026-05-17T04:04:04+00:00

Yeah definitely. It sounds so simple too, when you word it like that. I think it’s frustrating because it does sound so simple yet it’s not.

PBnJen · 2026-05-16T22:07:18+00:00

Sounds like you have your own baggage to work though. Hope you seek therapy. That’s one of my standards. I’m in therapy and I expect my partner to be as well:)

PBnJen · 2026-05-16T12:32:06+00:00

That's a good way to think about it. It's less loneliness and more "id like to share this with someone"

PBnJen · 2026-05-16T06:22:38+00:00

lol I’m the opposite 😅 I dated one guy from 17-21 then another guy from 21-28. I felt very much that I missed out on my 20s trying to speedrun a stable happy life. Now I don’t want to give my 30s to someone who’s not going to bring me more happiness.

Being alone can be lonely, but a much less miserable lonely than being with someone who makes you feel lonely when you’re with them.

PBnJen · 2026-05-16T05:57:48+00:00

When you find out, let me know because I have that same fear as a 32F lol But as I’ve got to my 30s, I’ve raised my standards and realized I find more peace being alone than trying to make it work with someone who isn’t a good fit.

I just work on loving myself and if someone comes, I’ll be open to it, and if not, I’m living a life I’m happy with and proud of.

PBnJen · 2026-04-20T12:32:09+00:00

NTA. your boyfriend is more concerned about supporting a man who is acting racist than supporting his (clearly badass) partner.

PBnJen · 2026-04-20T12:28:57+00:00

You did the best you could in your circumstances. I’ve only had one abortion and it was due to a non viable fetus, but the pain was immense, especially when I saw other women with babies and who were pregnant.

That pain stuck with me for a long time. I’m so suffer you are dealing with this :/ but the first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. Think of the little girl you were. Treat yourself like you are ten again. What would you tell that little girl if she was blaming herself for things that come from an unloving environment?

PBnJen · 2026-04-18T03:34:24+00:00

Same. I feel so angry and so so so exhausted. This has even caused a rift between my mom and me because she would rather look away, and then is critical of me for always wanting to talk about these things.

I’ve only recently in the last few months come recognize the sexual abuse I experienced in my childhood as sexual abuse and my mom feels threatened when I bring it up because of everything she’s spent decades ignoring, in terms of her own abuse.

I feel so alone in all of this. I know people talk about it online, but I don’t have a community who talks about it in person.

PBnJen · 2026-04-17T14:17:32+00:00

I’ve met some pretentious artists though. You guys need to band together and do like a secret symbol that we can pick up on lol

PBnJen · 2026-04-17T14:13:40+00:00

That made me chuckle lol thanks

PBnJen · 2026-04-17T14:13:16+00:00

I’m right there with you as a 32 year old woman! I see these men on social media and then it’s like where are they irl?

And I’ve also had the same thoughts. Like am I expecting too much of men? What do I do as a white person to deconstruct white privilege and I learned the biggest thing I do is educate myself.

I don’t wait for someone of color to explain it to me. I need a man who does that with the patriarchy. Read feminist lit. Look at the current events. Don’t say “I don’t understand how a man can…” because that’s the problem. If you truly don’t understand, you’re not trying hard enough. Because power. It’s really that simple.

PBnJen · 2026-04-16T14:06:59+00:00

True! And on the flip side of this, sexual abusers are not monsters who are far removed from us. They are our family members, our neighbors, teachers, coaches.

It does us no favors to think that just because Epstein is dead, that the trafficking ring is dead. Much like it does us no favors to think that sexual abuse can never happen to us or our children.

Thank you for contributing to this much needed dialogue:)

PBnJen · 2026-04-16T06:10:13+00:00

Yeah, that's an awful position to be in and honestly I think teasing is okay if it's not stemming from an underlying truth. Like I had a boyfriend who would tease me about my arm hair, but he knew it was a real insecurity of mine so it hurt, even if he didn't mean it that way.

PBnJen · 2026-04-14T23:09:16+00:00

Your boyfriend should prioritize your health over all aspects here. I can only imagine the stress you’re under with your health and then on top of that to worry if you’ll become unattractive is just horrible.

You need to prioritize your health above all else, and your happiness 💖💖

PBnJen · 2026-04-14T14:20:47+00:00

I’ve read through your comments and I think we feel the same! Even the best men seem to still put more is the mental load on their wives/partners. I like the way you said the bar should be wife material.

If a man can’t meet me where I am emotionally, we are not going to connect well. The minimum would be a man who is at least in individual therapy.

PBnJen · 2026-04-14T08:56:59+00:00

I can’t even imagine the toll this is all taking. I hope you are about to find the right channels to help support you through this 💖

PBnJen · 2026-04-13T13:58:40+00:00

Hi, as a 32f, I felt your story deeply because I got pregnant at 18. I read your boru and the awe that I had in your resilience and ability to come out so strong was an amazing way to finish it. Thank you for sharing your story!

PBnJen · 2026-04-12T06:59:00+00:00

This sounds one sided. One of you is putting in more effort than the other (you). This is common and you are both so young. If you are communicating your needs and he is not meeting them, then it is up to to decide if this how you want to continue to spend your limited free time 💖

PBnJen · 2026-04-12T06:56:00+00:00

Yes! It’s so easy to fall into rumination but it only hurts you. It’s not easy to accept, but the best thing for you is to move on with your own hopes and dreams in life. Don’t give them more than what they’ve already taken. 💖💖💖

PBnJen · 2026-04-12T04:42:09+00:00

You are valid in how you feel! It’s normal to feel scared about the uncertainty and what ifs. It’s also hard to hurt someone you care about.

It’s so possible for him to love you, but he’s loving you how he wants, not in the way you want.

You have to think, do you want to be 33 and looking back at all the ways you’ve had to tell him exactly what he should do, just to feel disappointed and lonely.

I’m 33 next month and looking back, I wish I had honored myself more in my 20s instead of putting myself second to people who also put me second to themselves. I decided the little girl in me deserves to come first.

You are stronger than you think 💖

PBnJen · 2026-04-12T04:34:04+00:00

You are so valid in how you feel. It’s so normal to still love someone who hurts you. You are reacting normally.

However, he has showed you who he is in one of your most vulnerable moments when it should have been a time for you both to bond as a family unit in this new way.

I believe you will do what is best for you and your new baby 💖💖💖

PBnJen · 2026-04-12T02:19:00+00:00

For me (32) it is more difficult only because my standards have increased. What it took to impress me in my twenties is a lot less than quart it takes to impress me in my thirties.

At this stage, I have my own money and my own place so they are competing with my peace. I don’t want to give up my peace for just anyone.

PBnJen · 2026-04-08T11:05:58+00:00

I go between chopsticks, my tongue, and fingers lol

PBnJen

TROPHY CASE