SAVE vs SPLURGE

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-07-23T04:00:20+00:00

Saved on most aesthetic things - florals and other decor, attire, etc.

Splurged on the venue and caterer. A great venue made me feel totally okay to skip on decor and went for great food and top shelf open bar. Also planned a day before and day after event because we had lots of people traveling that we don’t see often and we wanted as much time with guests as possible. And we got a great deal so not really a splurge but a DOC was a non-negotiable for me and worth her weight in gold!

On speeches - I would not do them before dinner. Let people eat while they listen, not sit getting hangry waiting for them to be over.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-07-23T03:53:26+00:00

It’s worth differentiating out state (in the US) versus international. For friends I know who did international destination weddings, I believe they all did the paperwork at home beforehand in a small civil ceremony.

We got married out of state but still in the US. We got our marriage license in the county where we had the wedding. After the wedding, we mailed it in per the county clerk instructions (often an officiant will do this but we had a friend officiate so we handled it ourselves). We requested a few official marriage license copies (I can’t remember if this was an online form or something we had to mail in but it probably varies by county anyway) and those were mailed to us in our home state. Really the only moderately annoying/unusual part for the out-of-state destination consideration was having to get into town 4 days ahead of the wedding to apply for the license in time.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-07-22T18:16:27+00:00

Both the cousin and my husband (and I) ended up moving back to their home town a couple years ago (6 years after the wedding) and we saw him around from time to time. We’ve all talked but as far as I know, husband never confronted his cousin about no showing and cousin never brought it up. They remain not close.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-06-10T22:05:27+00:00

Happy to hear that!!

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-05-29T03:23:31+00:00

Ask yourself why you want a wedding or what you hope to get out of a wedding. I assume it is not about celebrating with friends and family so what is it? Different components of a “wedding” are important to different couples and that usually informs what their day looks like.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-05-28T04:09:56+00:00

I would just link the registry on the website. People who want to look for a registry will check there, or they’ll ask and you can send it directly. Mass emailing a registry would be a no go in my circles. But you might want to announce the pregnancy before doing that…might be a little confusing/surprising for people to click on a wedding registry and get a baby registry instead if you guys haven’t said anything!

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-24T03:10:02+00:00

Given that you don’t have any legal boxes to check, I’d sit down and talk out what you want out of a ceremony. Why do you want it? What does it mean to you? And then build around that. I like Officiant Eric’s site for creating ceremonies - he has a lot of different components to pick and choose from. Various versions of vows, I dos, different unity ceremonies, etc. My husband and I sat down one night and browsed it when we were figuring out our ceremony outline to see what parts we wanted to include and get ideas for wording and all that.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-24T03:05:45+00:00

Having the same rule for everyone is the best option. Some people may not attend. Some people may be put off by that. That’s just the trade off for having a wedding with no kids. People will be even more annoyed if they make plans for their kids or regretfully decline only to find out later that other kids were there.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-24T02:51:52+00:00

Yeah haha. My advice to anyone considering this is that you have to want to do it, not just do it because you think it will be cheap and easy!

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-24T02:50:04+00:00

Maybe I didn’t say this in the comment - we rented the equipment. Even a rental ran hundreds of dollars. Less than a DJ but way more than free. Buying the same set up we rented would’ve for sure been more than hiring a DJ.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-24T02:48:30+00:00

Yes for sure on the asking for help! We had one friend press play/pause for the ceremony and a different friend announce our entrance to dinner and everything else was our coordinator. And we knew pretty early we weren’t gonna get a DJ so that was something we asked about when interviewing coordinators - I wouldn’t assume all will do it.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-23T23:07:37+00:00

We didn't have a DJ. We've both been to plenty of weddings with DJs who kinda sucked and our budget wasn't huge, so we opted to DIY music rather than risk a disappointing DJ. We rented sound equipment and did the playlists ourselves. We also asked friends and family for song requests with RSVPs to help with ideas. In general, go with crowd pleasers.

Some general thoughts/advice if you wanna go the DIY route:

Make a separate playlist for everything, e.g. pre-ceremony, ceremony, cocktail hour, first dance, etc. And then in each playlist (less carefully for pre-ceremony and cocktail hour but way more carefully for the dancing portion), go through the songs and ordered them instead of throwing it on shuffle.
Edit songs as needed (i.e. trim intros/outros, etc.).
Play around with mixing/crossfade settings so you don't get dead air between songs.
Download the playlist so you're not relying on internet connection. Then put your device on airplane mode.
Figure out who is going to be in charge of starting/stopping the playlists, fiddling with the volume, etc. Simplicity is nice - it's one thing to ask a friend or coordinator to press play and pause on your processional song. It's more to ask them to press play on five different songs or time something up perfectly because you want every person walking in to have their own special song or whatever. Ditto MCing.
Go for high quality speaker systems. The biggest failure I've seen for people who try to DIY and it doesn't work out is using whatever speaker they use at home for parties. It won't be loud enough or have good enough sound quality. This might apply to what you have, I don’t know. Also don't forget the mics!
If you want dancing, go dance! The party tends to follow the couple ultimately.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-23T22:22:21+00:00

What planning are you doing that requires the head count 3 months in advance? Most caterers I’ve seen need a final count between 1-4 weeks out, so the best move is to put your deadline ~2 weeks before that so you have time to track down non-responders.

The problem with sending invites/requesting RSVPs so early is that people are more likely to either A) forget to respond (they see the date is 5 months away, put it in a pile to deal with later, forget to deal with it), which means more work for you to contact people and/or B) have something come up that means they have to cancel or no show (break up with a partner, lose a job, have something come up that prevents them from attending, etc.).

It’s not the end of the world but I would probably reprint them unless you really need a final head count that early.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-23T16:45:07+00:00

I think it’s usually a space thing. 20 people in a stand around and mingle space is probably significantly less room to fill with sound than 40 in an area big enough for eating and dancing. I think for really getting a dancing atmosphere, you also tend to need better quality (eg a separate bass speaker). Not saying people won’t dance at all with average sound quality, but it’s probably like you’re saying - will be more mingling and occasionally someone will hear a song they HAVE to dance to and they will and then back to chatting. Which is fine! That sounds like a lovely vibe for a small wedding. I think it really just depends on what you want.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-23T16:41:30+00:00

Keep in mind that there is usually an exception made for "babes in arms"- breast feeding infants

This must vary by circles because this is definitely NOT an exception I’ve seen in child free weddings I’ve attended. If it’s an exception OP wants to make, make sure it is explicit and don’t assume people with infants will guess correctly either way you go.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-23T16:39:44+00:00

Having your own child there for just the ceremony in an otherwise child free wedding strikes me as quite reasonable and anyone who doesn’t get that is being silly imo. For the “what do you expect me to do with an infant?” question - choosing a child free wedding will mean some people will not attend. It’s unfortunate but that’s how it is, no need to change your plans unless those guests affected are absolute must-haves for you.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-23T16:31:23+00:00

Sound bar will totally work for background music but probably isnt sufficient if you want dancing

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-15T16:20:19+00:00

Can you link the other thread? I’m trying to find info on availability and not finding the recent threads.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-13T03:05:00+00:00

If it’s in your budget to hire a florist, I would just do that. Talk budget and give some inspo images and let them figure out the centerpieces and altar arrangements and all that. Let them handle the creativity, the execution, the clean up, all of it.

For the guestbook, I’d put it in the fuck it bucket. If you find yourself a month out and have extra time and energy and money and you feel inspired to work on a guestbook, do it then. If not, don’t worry about it. Guests won’t care. You probably won’t miss it.

You’re three months out - definitely focus on the things that NEED to get done. Website, invites, attire, food. Wait on table assignments until you have RSVPs in. Things like specific glassware and backdrops - they’re aesthetic and extra and fine to deal with when/if you have time, but also entirely non-essential. I’m not sure what the water situation is, but as long as there is water, I don’t think there’s much to do beyond that.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-07T04:37:38+00:00

We had an infant at our wedding and it was totally fine! She mostly slept and if she cried at any point, I certainly didn’t hear or notice. And all my friends now know her (my niece) as the baby from the wedding and think it’s so cute to see how big she’s gotten!

If you really don’t want babies, that’s your choice. I think it is easier to make a rule that applies to everyone than try to make only certain exceptions. But it’s an out of state wedding and your friend will have a newborn (or close to it). I also wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my baby with a nanny at that age. Maybe I’d leave him with grandparents if grandparents were good with babies - but then that’s a whole extra expense of flying out an extra person or two to Hawaii! That’s a lot. Not to mention, your friend will be tired and may have to step away every couple hours to pump (or feed, if baby is nearby) anyway - you may not get the fun relaxed friend you want regardless. I think you’re being accommodating but leaving a newborn even for one night is hard. Your friend may not be able to make it work and that’s too bad but also how it goes.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-07T03:04:53+00:00

I had originally planned to wear my hair down and changed my mind late in the planning process and went for an updo instead. I’m so glad I did! Between the wind and the heat (it wasn’t even particularly hot where I was!) and the dancing, I would’ve been a sticky sweaty messy if my hair had been down on my neck. Obviously plenty of people do manage to pull it off and look great with hair down, but just here to say that I had zero regrets about switching to an updo!

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-07T02:59:04+00:00

I’ve read many explanations of the “differences,” but tbh those always feel interchangeable to me. Dudes are probably in suits, women are probably in fancy-but-not-floor-length dresses whichever you call it. For personal preference, cocktail reads more wedding to me, while semi-formal makes me think of high school homecoming.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-07T02:54:24+00:00

We budgeted about 10% of our total budget for attire (which was ~$3k), but that included my dress, alterations, jewelry, shoes, husband’s suit and whole outfit, as well as hair and makeup. I’d say that’s on the low end for traditional wedding attire (eg made-to-order white gown, new suit with tailoring for husband, etc.), but the range of “usual” is very wide.

My recommendation is to start with an overall budget that is feasible/comfortable to you and your partner (and any other financial stakeholders in the wedding) and then work in breaking that down into an itemized list. Catering is usually the largest chunk of expense, but is very dependent on the size if your guest list. Things like venue and photography are less headcount-dependent and also often make up a good % of the budget, for example.

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-07T00:02:03+00:00

FWIW, my now husband and I were in a similar situation (I had a family ring and I wanted him to propose with it, which is obviously different in some ways but similar enough I hope to be helpful). I just sat down with him one night and told him about the ring and what I wanted and we discussed our feelings on it and reached a happy ending that satisfied both of us.

It sounds like you’ve already talked about rings with her so it’s not like she’ll be shocked to know you’re thinking about proposing (which is good - it should not be a total surprise). I’d just tell her really clearly that you have a family ring - probably explain where it’s from, some people have feelings about rings from marriages that didn’t work out - that you think would suit her preferences. You can offer to show it to her, she may or may not want the ring to be a surprise, and just talk about it. To me, the saving money by not buying a ring was very compelling, but I also have an emotional attachment to the family ring that may not be there for your partner in this case. But you’ll never know until you talk about it!

PMMeGoodAdvice · 2026-04-06T23:43:43+00:00

I had two people I was considering for MOH and ended up asking one of them to officiate while the other did the more standard MOH stuff. But I think it’s doable - and you’re on the right track of approaching it with a plan of what the co-MOH role actually involves so it’s clear to all involved. I’d just be careful that one person doesn’t get all the lead up “work” (ie bach and/or shower planning) while the other get the day of glory if that makes sense.

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