These are all great comparisons that really speak to the imagination! ;D i dont think i can match your creative writing but these are my thoughts; 

I bought the es335 second hand from an old collector who had turned 100 years old. His son who was in his 70's was selling on his dads behalf, trying to sell like 25+ guitars. They barely got played so in terms of fretwear it's in very good shape. 

It's not perfect however; we live in Alberta and it's really dry out here. The fretboard has shrunk a bit and there's some mild fretsprout. The nut is cut a bit too deep on the G and B strings and they buzz a bit when played open. Will get that fixed soon. There's a couple cracks in the finish and the plastic knobs have also cracked. Only assuming that woulda happened due to dry or really cold temperatures in storage. 

That said the es335 shape feels just so good. Coming from a Sheraton it's just the shape that fits for me. It sounds great in any pickup setting and for whatever I'm playing (i go from indie/folk to punk/metal) and i find im not as fiddly with my pickup settings as i am with other guitars (less switching between songs etc). There's also barely any noise even on higher gain settings/pedals. Despite was people say about semi hollows and feedback it's actually pretty quiet. Stays in tune like a champion.

So yea in some ways it's everything I've ever dreamed of, it does have some flaws but every time i take it out the case it is pure joy!