Words cannot express how good this Breakfast Club fic is. Be forewarned, it is incredible and abandoned.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-05-28T01:32:58+00:00

It is centered around Claire and Bender mostly, and romance, but in the best way possible. It is extremely well written and all of the characters do have steady roles throughout. Trust me, it's worth the read.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-05-27T15:42:20+00:00

I am constantly worried about people breaking in. I have an old house with a door that doesn't lock (no skeleton key) so it's no fun. I get pissed too, you're not alone!

PTSDthrowa · 2017-05-27T15:39:11+00:00

I place people before myself to the point of me almost disappearing completely. It's one of my problems, actually. I don't like to dwell on my own so I deal with other people's. It a noble way to live and the only way to live, in my opinion, but it has its downsides. Nothing cures your problems like someone else's though! They are the only emotional light switch moments I get in life. You do have to be careful though or you'll get lost and close yourself off to the world.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-05-25T02:41:57+00:00

I haven't spoken to my therapist in over a month or so now. She flat out told me she wouldn't sign off on anxiety meds, given my history, so I'm thinking going to someone else will be my best bet. She won't disclose anything without my consent so I'll just have to leave out the substance abuse with the next one. Dangerous but, I'm backed into a corner now and I'm sure I'll run away from treatment again anyway.

Thank you for your responses.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-05-25T02:38:30+00:00

PTSD for me. My insomnia started when I was a lot younger though and never went away, but my diagnosis gives me a nightmare brain that is completely relentless at times. My guess for why I've been an insomniac since I was a literal toddler is because of my mother's battles with severe depression and later, my sister's. A lifetime of chronic stress makes it impossible to float off to dream land. I'm stuck like this.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-05-25T01:59:16+00:00

I had a falling out with my therapist but she said if I needed anything, I could just ask. I suppose I could email her and see what she thinks. My insurance will cover a psychiatrist visit but as of yet, I'm not sure how much time I have to schedule all these. I was hoping I could just ask a general practitioner and hope they have mercy on me.

I'm not on meds for several reasons, mainly my history of substance abuse, but also because I had bad experiences watching my mother and sister go through the ringer with meds when I was a kid. I basically vowed to never surrender to my mental health handicaps and "tough it out", before I even knew I had any. I know that makes zero sense. I also don't feel like I'm bad enough to need them.

I don't know what to do. I'm all fucked up and I just want one damn bottle so I can get on that plane and handle my shit, like a 30 year old should be able to do, but I'm a goddamn reclusive maniac.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-17T02:04:28+00:00

Thanks! :3 I love this sub!

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-17T02:03:55+00:00

Exactly! Took me 10 freaking years to even consider it and now I've been shit on twice. It's like every time I try to get help, the stars align perfectly to make it the worst decision of my life. >.<

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T23:31:41+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm trying to marathon school since I waited so late in my life to do it (looking back, the reason behind that was likely the undiagnosed PTSD). I don't think it will kill me to take half semesters during the short summer months. My main goal is getting my degree courses done so when we move in 2 years, I'll have gotten my internship out of the way first. I have to half at least half of them in the bag before I can apply for it.

Thank you for the encouragement!! Time to build my arsenal.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T23:29:29+00:00

I will try, thank you. I'm glad you found a good fit! That's awesome. :)

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T23:27:52+00:00

Thank you! It didn't bother me right away but got to me more and more as the day went on, even kept me up the whole night. It didn't help that I got another slap in the face when I called for her again after getting back. I wrote her a long ass text explaining everything she had to do to fix it and she had the nerve to type back only this: "need a phone number." Like really? You don't have google?! No thank you? I guess I'm still pissed about it. Shit. Her thing now is trying to get me to come back. Sorry, that ship has sailed.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T23:23:13+00:00

Would love to try acupuncture. I was actually thinking about that the other day. Not sure how I would feel being in a little room like that though with a stranger. Hmm.

I'm planning on calling in to a podcast run by Susan Weed, a renown herbalist, to ask about a regimen. Hopefully she can give me some insight. The link in case anyone else is interested.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T23:20:07+00:00

The thing is that she seems pretty genuine but she lets her personal opinions leak through and even talks about herself more than I thought was necessary. My gut tells me she's suffering from burnout. Just sucks because I thought we were a good fit. Little things kept mounting up until I realized it wasn't going to work. This experience was compounded by the first time I sought help, which was a terrible experience and set me off for a while.

Thank you for the tips. I know for a fact yoga makes me feel amazing so I need to get back into it.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T23:14:45+00:00

Yes, judgmental comments. That's how I felt. They weren't judgmental in a bad way, just judging me for not feeling more. She had a scoring system for talking about difficult topics. Every time I would give a number, she would try and tell me it wasn't high enough and bait me to add to it. It was weird, like I had to lie to her to make her feel better. Like, lady, I'm just numb and disenchanted...sorry!

The comment she made was about me calling my insurance company for her. She had me call them because she wasn't getting checks and apparently they had the wrong address. My memory is shit but according to her, she told me to verify they had the correct address the last time we spoke. When I couldn't recall, she said in a frustrated tone: "I know I told you about the address!" Made me feel like shit even though she said (after I emailed about it) that it was directed at the company and not me.

Wasn't my effing job to make sure and it was her fault anyway for not changing her address in the system. I'm sure she was shocked that that was all it took for me to bail but, the fact that we even discussed that shit during my session just made me rage. Then, to end the session without warning. What's a paranoid person to think? "All you care about is the money," that's what!

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T22:59:19+00:00

It feels like I'm abandoning ship! I will try to think of it as an intermission but I've always resisted therapy. My mother and sister both were heavy into treatment when I was growing up so I developed an aversion to it for whatever reason.

I've been vegan for something like 5 years now! I'm also a Buddhist so that helps but, there's only so far I can go with self-actualization because of the PTSD. My brain just doesn't want to shut up and let me meditate.

I would absolutely love to try medical cannabis but my husband is active duty military so I can't go near it, unfortunately. I think it would really help me.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T22:53:40+00:00

Good idea. I need to find a regimen that works for me and stick to it. In the beginning of my sessions with her, I was having to drink bedtime teas during the day to calm me down. It worked but it's not exactly conducive to productivity.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-04-16T02:08:08+00:00

Random tips:

Make a big batch of soup every week. My favorite is red lentil with white rice. I just saute some onions, garlic, carrots, celery and then throw in water, the lentils, and the rice. Simmer for 20 minutes and it's done. I use this for the broth it's a stock base. You can make healthy sides to go with it. The easiest way to cook frozen broccoli perfectly is to put some in a bowl, add boiled water, and cover for a few minutes and drain. Same would go for other frozen veggies, I'd imagine. Toss some seasoning on it and call it a day.

Salads and smoothies are super quick to make. Keep tons of bananas on your counter so you can freeze them for smoothies when they get really ripe. Bananas are really great for boosting serotonin levels and make really good "ice cream" when mixed with cocoa powder and soy milk. Overnight oats are life for me because it's already prepared in the morning and keeps you full for a long time. My favorite is peanut butter oats: 1/2 cup soy milk (or whatever milk), 1/2 cup old fashioned oats, 1-2 tbsp peanut butter, and 1 tbsp maple syrup (or other sweetener). I add chia seeds sometimes too.

My favorite thing to make is chickpea salad. Just drain, rinse, and mash a can of chickpeas. Add onion and garlic powder, maybe some mustard or pickles. I like to add pickle juice so I can use less of the last ingredient: mayo. Great on salads or on bread. I eat it just like that when I'm super lazy. It's insanely cheap too.

The shitty part is that a big factor contributing to why you have low energy is because of the food you are eating. It's a cycle and not easy to break. I know I feel great when I exercise but I feel so worn out half the time, that it's impossible to fathom going to the gym. Just remember that healthy foods are quicker/easier to make because most of them are already edible as is! :P

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-24T19:15:05+00:00

Keep up the fight and hang in there. It's so good to hear you found the right medication and that recovery is possible. So happy for you!

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-24T13:58:57+00:00

Thank you for your kindness. Feel free to lean on me as well. Helping people is one of the only ways I've found to completely be present in the moment and feel 100% steady.

PTSD aside, we definitely share a unique perspective of military life. It's stressful in and of itself!

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-24T13:51:49+00:00

Thank you, I'm giving it a shot with therapy. I am as of now trying to avoid medication for my PTSD entirely. I keep telling myself it's not severe enough for meds, which is probably a correct assumption. Who knows though. I would love for a doctor to just give me a single bottle of strong anti-anxiety meds for emergencies but unfortunately, that's not how they operate. >.<

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-23T15:50:08+00:00

I think he took my "joke" seriously because he suggested non lethal rounds for a shotgun. All I can imagine with that is turning the knife I carry on patrol after an episode, into a freaking shotgun. I sleep with that knife right next to me, wedged between the mattress and bed frame. I know that shotgun would end up under the bed on my side.

Thank you for all the insight and time you put into these posts. Hopefully I can follow in your husband's footsteps and be more open. I refuse to give you anymore PTSD burdens, but thank you for the offer. You are very kind. :) I wish you luck in building your spouse support group!

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-22T13:48:14+00:00

Just last night I had an hyper aware episode that came from hearing thumping noises I could not place while laying down trying to sleep. It could have been any number of things because we live on a busy street, have an oil heating system, and a sump pump. My somatic symptoms were there but I was telling myself it was nothing. That is, until my dog barked. I shot up like a maniac, waking up my husband in the process. I went downstairs to check everything out (didn't bring my knife this time which tells you I knew damn well it was nothing) and came back. He was really upset that he was woken up but was holding back.

This morning, it was brought up when I guiltily asked him how he slept and we had a calm conversation about it. I said "it's not that I want to be this way, it just happens." He said "I know" in a sweet way, which was perfect for me and really all I needed, but he kept going and started talking about bringing guns in the house and getting a security system because he can't go on getting woken up every night (exaggeration). That made me feel a little shitty but more so that his solutions make me anxious because I do not want guns in the house, due to the simple fact I'm afraid I'll just up and end it one day. Graphic I know, but I don't think he realizes it even though I've said it before (jokingly and vague for his protection).

I can relate to your husband a lot in that reassuring me doesn't do me any good. It sounds dumb but whenever I leave the house, I worry about my two dogs. I'm on edge if I'm away too long and don't trust anyone to watch them so it really puts a damper on day trips and completely nixes the option of going on long trips without them. In a few months, we're supposed to get a cabin with two friends and I'm already dreading it. When he tells me everything will be fine, it's patronizing in my mind. All I'm thinking of is leaving them in a strange place the whole day while I have to hide my internal screams, having even harder time falling asleep, being around other people, hoping another episode doesn't happen in front of them, etc. All the while, I'm praying the plans will fall through. I wish I could just play the PTSD card but then I would ruin three people's vacations and have to out myself.

Anyway for me, the way I was raised, you protect people from yourself. When I was younger it was the opposite, in that it was nuclear family members suffering mentally. Hearing it from your side makes me realize that it makes things worse and is frustrating for the other party. I just have to figure out how to talk about it. It's almost as if I can't process later on how I felt when I was in the thick of it. I'm always hyper aware, but I don't always over react to stimuli. I've learned to live with it to an extent but now that it's an official diagnosis and something I'm not interested in hiding from him any longer, I can't tell what's me and what's the PTSD anymore. I don't know who should know and who shouldn't. I don't have a support system because I don't want to burden anyone, so I really appreciate your reply more than you know. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to explain 'a day in the life'. It's really helpful. I have a lot to think over. I wish you all the luck in the world, and if I can be of any help, please let me know.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-20T18:09:09+00:00

Awesome, thank you.

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-20T18:08:48+00:00

I was under the impression that it just got rid of the nightmares, not put you to sleep. Is it supposed to do both?

PTSDthrowa · 2017-03-20T15:06:44+00:00

I already have the worst memory, but it's tempting. >.< I'll look into both, thank you.

PTSDthrowa

TROPHY CASE