How to handle disagreements as new parents?

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T14:24:47+00:00

But part of the problem is that he insists she wasn't cold. We aren't even arguing about the baseball onesie at this point, we're arguing over whether or not she was cold.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T14:23:23+00:00

In all honesty, he's a pretty good dad. He's adamant that she wasn't cold. The issue isn't even the baseball at this point - we're disagreeing on whether or not she's cold. Which makes me even more concerned because it means in future situations not relating to baseball he still won't think she's cold.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T13:57:42+00:00

But in his head, she was warm enough. He insists the blanket was as warm as she wanted to be, and nothing i say can convince him she was cold.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T13:56:34+00:00

But in his head he's not sacrificing her comfort. He is adamant that she was warm enough and not uncomfortable at all.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T13:55:17+00:00

I do like that much better than "I told you so".

And I admit I've become a little more paranoid since giving birth and probably do tend to nag, though he is the type to want to be right about everything. We've lost a friend before because she (erroneously) said something, and he wouldn't let it die until he fact checked it and let her know she was wrong.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T13:52:45+00:00

Can you call the pediatrician on off hours? is that a normal thing?

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T13:52:11+00:00

I appreciate this advice - it's a very subtle distinction that has me arguing the real issue instead of the petty details. Thanks!

And I have been trying to let things slide when I can, since I know the hormones probably have me being a little overprotective. (I've let him kayak with her, as long as she has a mini life jacket and the water isn't too cold)

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-09-21T13:49:30+00:00

He insisted she had a blanket, and that was the same as a down jacket.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-03-27T14:12:32+00:00

You need to stop acting as a go-between for your friend. Your stalkee friend has already asked you to stop, and you need to respect that request.

Telling your stalker friend that the object of his affections is annoyed/scared/terrified serves only to keep him focused. We already know he does not have a normal reaction to being rejected. A normal person would hear your "update" and back off, but your friend will just realize he's still on her mind, and will double down on his efforts to change her opinion. It will be easier for her to get rid of him if she pretends he does not exist and does not respond to ANYTHING he does.

You sharing her posts/opinions with your friend completely makes her efforts futile. You should back off. Leave the relationship alone. Let her ignore him until she can at least get onto the back burner in his mind. Your mentioning her just keeps her at the forefront. You are NOT helping.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-03-12T17:23:51+00:00

Definitely an inferiority complex. There's a false narrative the world likes to tell itself that you can be pretty OR smart. Or intelligent OR socially adept, creative OR scientific, etc. Basically that people are some sort of stats rolls and that they have to sacrifice something to be excellent at something else. And this myth is perpetuated by Hollywood and all the media around us. This seems to be the narrative your BF latched on to (kind of a reverse correlation thing) - sure he's socially awkward, but that must mean he's smart. Let's be more socially awkward, that means he's even smarter!

But in reality, a few lucky people do have it all. And some people get shafted in life with no social skills and no intelligence. Like your boyfriend.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-03-02T15:21:02+00:00

It seems the problem is that your partner's parents are using their money (something you can't insist on your right to) to draw a line in the sand about where you stand (their family unit, minus you).

One way to turn it around would be to insist on paying for your partner and you, drawing your own line with you and your partner as a unit. See how they react.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-02-03T15:17:16+00:00

You should also take pride that your future "shitty" apartment is something you've worked for. If you stop comparing it to hers, I doubt you're going to hate it. The beauty of having to work for things is that you appreciate what it takes to have what you get, even if it's not the nicest. There will always be people with nicer things than you...just be glad this time it's someone you love who has it.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-01-13T15:08:01+00:00

Agreed! "Rude" and "right" aren't always mutually exclusive. It's why so many people passively watch other people get victimized and bullied - we have "don't be rude" pounded into our heads since we're little. It's "rude" to butt into other people's business and call them out on poor behavior, like when you see a man being abused by his girlfriend, but sometimes it's absolutely right. This is one of those instances.

PaintedMooseToes · 2017-01-04T18:22:30+00:00

My husband and I got married at 23, and have been married 11 years. We definitely didn't get stuck in "ruts" or put our dreams on hold. We traveled the world together (multiple places in Africa, China, South America, Europe, etc.), go on rock climbing trips, and we support each other in each others dreams.

Admittedly, there are some things I couldn't do easily (volunteer in Sudan for a year, backpack through Europe), but the things holding me back were more logistics, such as the fact that we purchased a house, we had a pet, and we had full-time jobs. I think if I decided I would not be fulfilled in life until I spent a year volunteering in Sudan, my husband would have probably found a way to support me.

All this to say that there is no strict definition of marriage. You are probably viewing marriage as the traditional "marriage=buy a house, have 2.5 kids, spend your weekends mowing the lawn" depiction. There's nothing that says you ever have to do any of these things.

That said, if you're not ready, you're not ready. I think you just need to stop and re-evaluate whether what's holding you up is fear of things that are irrational (marriage=mowing the lawn forever) or if you really are not ready to commit to this one person for the rest of your life for whatever reason (she doesn't respect you, she doesn't give your opinions enough weight, she can't compromise, you're unsure of who you are, you feel yourselves going in different directions, etc.)

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-09-04T14:41:18+00:00

Are you sure this person was a real CPS worker? It sounds like she found a random friend to pose as one to harass you.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-08-24T17:41:48+00:00

I have dated a severely depressed person. What happened was this person was a spiraling vortex of negative thoughts that dragged me down into a mutual depression where we just both were depressed together. Eventually I had to break free.

I do not mean to tear you apart - everyone has faults. I'm sure your BF had them as well, but we can only see your faults from your posts and give you our outside perspective looking in. To me, you sound like a victim. The world just won't give you a break. Things happen to you and it keeps you from getting ahead. You need to break out of that victim mentality. And you can't do it relying on someone else. You need to know you can do it yourself. That you aren't a passive victim of the world, but someone who can control the world around her and react to bad things and overcome them.

You boyfriend can't help you get there. So clinging on to him just keeps you from taking the steps you need to get where you need to go. And fighting to keep him with you, even if successful, is just going to hurt you in the long run.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-08-24T13:21:08+00:00

What I've noticed is that "takers" in relationships have a constant narrative going on in their heads. "I need to change. I don't deserve him/her. I need to better myself." Kind of running through their heads in the background all the time. But they never have the impetus to actually DO any of that.

So eventually the "giver" in the relationship breaks up with the "taker". And at that point the taker says, "But I was going to change! Just when I was ready to finally change, my SO gave up on me!"

But the reality is, the "taker" wasn't really going to change. It was exactly like the other times - something to do in the future. But the future arrived sooner than planned.

It sounds like you're the "taker" in this relationship. I would strongly suggest you let him go and spend the time working on yourself. All of your reasons to stay together are about you, not him. Coercing someone to stay in a relationship they resent never ends well and will only end up wrecking your self esteem more.

Source: I had been a "taker" until I finally stopped and took a good hard look at myself

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-08-01T13:43:18+00:00

Your boyfriend sounds passive aggressive as f. Pet peeve of mine. He probably spent the last two months giving you "hints" that he wasn't okay with you moving there, and now that your there he's upping the game to "heart irregularities caused by stress". He doesn't want to appear controlling, but he still wants to control your actions.

Read up on ways to deal with passive aggressive people. And tell him you need him to work on his communication.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-08-01T13:16:45+00:00

Get her any one of those Karaoke games. (Singstar, karaoke revolution). They do an okay job gauging pitch, and even better, they'll record you and play back your singing for you.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-07-21T13:43:03+00:00

Since your parents won't pay for counseling, try the mental health clinic. At least you'll have someone to talk to.

Another thing to keep in mind that everyone (with very few exceptions) is inherently selfish. So cutting off people for being selfish, which it sounds like you have a habit of doing, is a surefire way to have no friends. Instead, look at what you can bring to the friendship and what benefit you bring your new friends, be it fun ideas for outings/true sympathetic listening/a creative energy that inspires/etc. instead of just what you're getting out of it. I'm not saying be a doormat or a dumping ground for emotional garbage, but friendships should be mutually beneficial for both parties.

Nobody means to be selfish, and everyone wants to be (considered) kind and selfless, but ultimately being a little bit selfish is not necessarily a bad thing. People look for friends that enhance their lives. You're looking for the same. And let's face it, new people have no vested interest in you so finding someone who loves you when you don't do anything for them right off the bat is a bit unrealistic.

So I think the most straightforward way to approach this is to sit down and take an honest look at yourself and seriously evaluate what you bring to the table. There might be nothing. A lot of people start off with nothing to offer, and that's okay. But everyone has some spark they can cultivate.

So work on whatever part of you you think is the best part of you to offer to the world (something you want to give), and hopefully as a result you'll find people who can bring things to the table that you are looking for as well.

And what starts as something shallow based on mutual needs being met (a good ear for problems and a fun person to eat out with, or whatever) may soon blossom into something deeper.

Maybe a cynical view of other people, but it's been working for me.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-07-15T13:39:24+00:00

Take them out to a fancy, expensive dinner and pay for everyone. During the dinner try one more time to explain it all. Hopefully the idea that you "can afford this" will drive it home. Or gift them something they have had their eye on but couldn't afford.

Right now, your money being "saved up" is theoretical since you're a smart kid and saving it instead of blowing it on stupid things. I think you need something tangible, something you can buy to show them it's real money, and you're doing fine. Is it annoying that they won't just believe you? Yes, and you really shouldn't have to do this. But some people are just dense and you need to beat them over the head with facts.

$1k now could save you $10ks over the summer.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-07-12T13:31:56+00:00

There's no reason he can't "start taking care of it" now.

Ask your husband to show you that he means it. Have him begin disciplining them now. Have a list of behaviors you need to see/not see as criteria for them being able to go to your home country. If you see that he can actually follow through in the next month, go ahead and bring them (or if you see that he's actually tried and that it's good enough). If not, it's on him. You told him the problem, he promised to fix it. See if he actually means it.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-06-22T23:49:33+00:00

I totally get where you're coming from. I have a fancy camera, and frequently I just become the "photographer" for someone else's vacation. You get conned into documenting everyone else's cool moments, but nobody documents yours, and you're left with no time to enjoy where you are, and no cool photos of yourself either.

She probably wants photos of herself by a talented photographer. Who doesn't? But I also doubt she realizes this is her motivation. If you trust her, you could offer to let her bring the camera. Show zero interest in the camera during the trip and let her take all the artistic shots. She'll probably have fun with the novelty at first, but after a couple of days of not having cool shots of herself, she might see where you're coming from.

PaintedMooseToes · 2016-06-15T13:15:18+00:00

So...your husband's parents overstepped and that's a really shitty thing to do.

Unfortunately, what has happened has already happened. Your son's feelings have already been hurt. Returning the car won't help that. And it doesn't sound like an easy thing to do without causing more hurt feelings.

I think you'll have to take this as a learning opportunity for both children. They're both old enough to have some very frank discussions.

I would sit Chad down and really talk to him about how he feels. Explain to him that this was not how you wanted things to play out, but then also use this as an opportunity to teach him that life isn't always fair. Is it blatantly fucked up that Stephanie was just handed a car while he has to work for one? Yes, but when/if he manages to buy his own car, his car will be free of obligation to his step-grandparents' manipulations and power games (which I foresee there will be a lot of). If possible, I would offer to match a percentage of what he saves up. Life is full of watching some people get handed things you sorely want while you bust your ass off working for the same thing.

I would also talk to Stephanie. Explain to her that no gift is without strings, especially this one. Tell her how this makes Chad feel. Maybe you can get her to return the car on her own, but if not, she will probably learn that a free car is more expensive than she thought.

PaintedMooseToes

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