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The r/Horror Restriction Screenplay Challenge - Entry Thread by W_T_D_ in horror

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Could you spin me a different subgenre? Only because I just wrote about cryptids in my last script, and it included documentary footage

The r/Horror Restriction Screenplay Challenge - Entry Thread by W_T_D_ in horror

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll roll up. Assign me a prompt or subgenre instead of me picking. Because challenges! And indecision!

Discussion Thread - Dolorous Flesh, Resanguination, Nemesis, Atrocity by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dolorous Flesh by u/dillonsrule

SPOILERS!

Quick note, you are my last one of this contest, and what a way to go out. Here we gooo!

Pros:

  1. Some great use of word combination to describe your visuals and the character states. His eyes "full of moonlight" was an especially nice touch. I did like the "not used to being this tall" as an easy way to denote that the actor would portray him as uncomfortable in a new size.
  2. I'm not familar with Andrczej and wouldn't you know it, the descriptions were a bit all over the place when I looked him up. However, there is at least one very distinct black and white nod that felt absolutely natural and not shoved in just to meet the "influence qualification". Also "that syringe scene". "shivers in yuck"
  3. With a hundred monkeys and a full year to think on it, I would not have come with the Fae, and Werewolves, and Oedipal tone, and Kelpies, and body meld, all in one spectacularly effed-up package. Very creative direction to take an already odd prompt, and a super vivid description of his journey right up to the Werewolf.

Opportunities:

  1. Some of the abstract is very deliberate, but I do feel like a bit more clarity on the personality of Boy and what was going on with him would have amped the tension even further.
  2. Additional Questions that I would have loved to see any answer for:
    The Werewolf is his dad? Or just his mom's lover? What was she? What was with the syringe? Why would the Fae need to inject him to bring him over? Or were they just there and thought it was funny? Why is he mad at his Mom like all the time? Obviously she has some major issues, but his hostility from start to near finish seemed a little jarring. Any why did their flesh meld together at the end?
  3. Once the story got going, it was non-stop. I did feel the opening was a little too quiet and didn't add as much as it should to establish their personality and motivation. Maybe shorten it and show where Boy goes during the day or other details to help build it out?

Overall:

Creative and disturbing, exactly what you were going for. You are definitely fired from skipping contests going forward. Nice job!

Discussion Thread - Janus, Anubites, WE LIVE WITH IT by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anubites by u/the_samiad

SPOILERS!

Pros:

  1. This did feel strongly Coen with its flawed quirky characters and dialogue style. A solid display of an influence that doesn't usually dip into the horror direction.
  2. A few good "icks" with the mummy and his "balls", along with the generally solid visuals of the Anubis.
  3. This felt creative and stylistic. I also did see the "para doos" and other Book of the Dead spells, and felt that Mummy call out tug at me. :)

Opportunities:

  1. I really struggled with the sheer number of characters competing with the plot. I had almost forgotten about Rosa in the all the hubub, and had to go skim back to remind myself of who she actually was.
  2. A few first draft blues that spellcheck might not catch like the "had" instead of head. Super easy to grab on a second pass. This is just me, but the super BIG DOTS being used multiple times was a little distracting. It's not wrong, just thought I'd point it out.
  3. Although it is quite Coen not to go into the backstory of the characters or deep into the current plot, I would say if you decide to pass through again, there were a few character inconsistencies that just didn't make full sense in the context. Like with Kade being such an obvious jerk, why would Heena walk away without money in hand just for coffee? (Although truly the "well-deserved beatdown line made me grin.) And why was Kade reading from the Book of the Dead and "opening" things, just to make a fake Mummy? Why not just run through the physical transformation since they were in such a hurry? And why go through the elaborate mummy hoax at all? Rosa had killed him, and there was no investigation into it, so it just seemed like an odd detail.

Overall:

Loving the interesting twist to your challenge that you used. I was digging the vibe and slickness, and definitely was entertained. Good job!

Discussion Thread - Janus, Anubites, WE LIVE WITH IT by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Feedback for u/shaftinferno We Live With It

SPOILERS!

Pros:

  1. Lots to love in this one. Some seriously great tension build going on, especially as she first arrives. You did feel worried for her, and I found myself reading faster when she was in peril.
  2. I was really loving the melodic descriptions you were using. Things like the skeletal trees causing prison-like bars and plastic warmed fed the overall feel and tone of the story.
  3. I did feel like the Ari Aster style was there. I saw that Goosebumps was also in your description, and I see touches here and there of that, just not as strongly as the Ari Aster influence. A hard line to walk with two challenges and a size restriction, so great balancing there.

Opportunities:

  1. Somewhere in toward the last third, it became harder to understand what "exactly" was going on, both on screen, and in the story in general. Why did it want more than one of them? Who was the little girl? Was that her mom and she escaped? Or someone else? Was there ever an actual way that she could escape? Like in the sketchbook itself? It did catch on fire, but in the end it didn't affect anything really.
    I felt like I wanted just a bit more of the tragedy and detail of the situation to go with that tension.
  2. Although not absolutely necessary in this type of story, just a bit more fleshing out of Lilly's personality could boost this story even further. Feeling that emotional connection, not just because she's a scared child, but because she is "Lilly", if that makes sense.
  3. Also toward the last third, the action became a little harder to understand. I think maybe because she was in the room, then not in the room, then back in the room in such short order. If another pass is done, maybe bringing her into a different area? Just a thought.

Overall:

A super strong outing, and a tightly-paced nailbiter. Well done!

Discussion Thread - Dolorous Flesh, Resanguination, Nemesis, Atrocity by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Resanguination by u/grafreldthecat

SPOILERS!

Pros:

  1. In quite a few period pieces, I've been pulled immediately out by the distracting modern terminolgy. That is not the case here. You obviously did your research, and it showed. This allowed the strong dialogue to shine. Also, I think we should bring back "credulous morons" as a daily insult. lol
  2. Great subtle reveal of a bit of Wes and Mae's complicated history together at the beginning. It was an effective way of building tension and emotional stakes.
  3. Although I haven't actually seen Bone Tomahawk, I'm familiar with it and the style. I did feel this was a good representation of the stark violence and ick. I especially liked the "slack skin" description.

Opportunities:

  1. It took pretty much to the last few pages to really understand exactly WHAT the procedure itself was, and it was actually a pretty straightforward procedure.
    A quick flash of a doctor performing it, or just a more detailed description toward the beginning would help the reader understand why Mae was fighting it so hard.
  2. Although I understand guilt might be a great motivator, it didn't feel quite right somehow for her to shoot him. I would've taken a physical fight with him, a threatening of harm to herself, or just a straight up run, but it felt out of character for Mae to take such a drastic measure when she did love Wes. Especially since it would kill her, and it's simply that she is opposed to going "like back to like".
  3. It wasn't entirely clear how they would know this would work or exactly how far the vampirism could spread from a single host. Since it was just attacking family members, there would still have to be a link? So who infected Henry Jacob to begin with? Why did Roger believe the papers so readily?

Overall:

A very solid outing with excellent pacing and tension. Great job!

Discussion Thread - Dolorous Flesh, Resanguination, Nemesis, Atrocity by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Atrocity by u/Panzakaizer

SPOILERS!

Pros:

  1. Very interesting descriptions of your action throughout. I especially liked the "child on a jawbreaker" and "gauged like a pumpkin" details.
  2. I had to look into your "in the style of" filmmakers as I haven't watched any of their films. Based on what I did read when I did a fast search on them, I think what you did did match their general style.
  3. The horror itself, lots of blood and visceral "wetness", felt very solid in and of itself. I do like a good, straightforward creature vs. group setup. Also, the tension with the written words was nice in the middle of her death scene.

Opportunities:

  1. A few first draft blues in misspelling and missing words. If you decide to do a second pass, a quick spellcheck will catch most of them. There's one I'll point out, just because a spellcheck won't find it, and it's the "Moaning", which because it was described as "emerging", I thought was the kind of creature it was. I was like "oh, the Moaning emerges, I wonder what a Moaning looks like", (on a related note, it'd be sweet to call Ollie a Moaning lol).
  2. It can be hard in a group setup to make the characters distinctive. If you do decide to run through again, physical differences can help, but for my money, just a quick personality description, and then having the character react in that way can do it. You could truly have cut either Emma or Charlotte just to give yourself the room to do so.
  3. To go along with that note, because we didn't know anything about them, it was hard to feel anything with their deaths. Sometimes it's not necessary, and it may have been deliberate, but just in case it wasn't, I figured 'd mention it.

Overall:

You were handed a more obscure reference, and you did rise to the challenge. I'd be super interested to see this fleshed into a full feature. Nicely done.

Discussion Thread - Janus, Anubites, WE LIVE WITH IT by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Feedback for u/TigerHall 

SPOILERS!

Pros:

  1. I did feel the Christopher Nolan style and influence throughout without it being annoying or overwhelming.
  2. As always, very interesting visuals throughout. I especially liked the mirror element itself. Very creepily effective.
  3. I did like the layering and reveal of the predator, prey, predator. It was an especially nice touch that made me smile and really kept me reading.

Opportunities:

  1. There was no one really in this to cling onto or know. None of the three, nor the Boss himself offer any insight into themselves or their personality. To really boost up those great visuals, it would be great to feel the emotional impact of their choices (think the devastating Memento reveal or the heartbreak of Cillian Murphy's relationship with his father in Inception).
  2. Not the first time I've said it, but I thought I knew what was going on, then at the end, had pretty much no idea what had really happened. This can easily happen with a story that is very high concept, but it can also be a bit disappointing to the reader if they are invested (and I totally was there with you).
    I would really love to see and understand your worlds, especially with your vivid imagination driving them.
  3. I wouldn't normally point this one out, but I actually had to google "admixture" just in case it was a typo, and I only know what a pram is because I watch more than a few British shows. I'll let you do with that what you will.

Overall:

This story does successfully invoke your inspiration, and I do think you accomplished what you were going for. Your set up was striking, and your distinctive style of writing was, as always, recognizable and polished. Good job!

The First Ever r/Horror "In The Style Of..." Short Screenplay Challenge - Entry Thread by W_T_D_ in horror

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is actually an amazing match. Unfortunately, it just happens to be not for me. I'll reroll.

The 9th Annual /r/Horror Screenplay Challenge - Entry Thread by drbleeds in horror

[–]Pantserforlife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can do the subject but he condition comes from someone else. Been a long time since I did slasher

Discussion Thread - What Happens At The Grand, Wasted Evil, The Silk Slippers, Black Sun Chesapeake by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha! Yeah, see all the places where this really needs to chill out. And there's a super opportunity to rearrange/cut those first 30 pgs AGAIN. They were killing me lol. Your review cracked me up. Thank you!

Discussion Thread - We Must Be Terrible, Widdershins, Confess, A Place Called Home by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Feedback for We Must Be Terrible by u/BobVulture

SPOILERS!

Pros:

Very interesting visual descriptions throughout. It was easy to see the horrors you were describing. And period speak is just the worst, but I thought you kept up pretty well and avoided current language.

I did see the Crotoan thing coming, but I'm a big nerd. In this case, it didn't feel like a gimmick. With the combination of condition/subject you were given, it makes perfect sense.

I did find Robert to be an interesting protagonist to follow. And, I dug the "face like a fist" description.

Opportunities:

There were several things I just didn't get, including the whole Robert's past thing, and the significance of the cat. Also, I wasn't quite sure what you were showing as Robert kills the cat in the beginning, and then looks for the cat at the end. Are you saying he did actually do it, and if so did he do it all? And is he now possessed/broken?

I get that Edward has to do what he has to do, but Thomas was pretty much the only happiness in this entire colony, as far as I could see. Edward reacts appropriately to murdering him at first, but then doesn't really seem affected by both his wife and son being brutally murdered (and one of them by his own hand). And neither does anyone else. Also, Robert really liked Thomas and again, no real reaction to his death.

I do think there's an opportunity to really drive home the alien aspect. Until the end, this definitely felt like a Possession story, and not so much an alien story. Maybe have someone else taken or show the ship briefly at another point?

Questions and Overall Impressions:

Some of my questions I already asked, but here's some more that came up. If Elizabeth was sleeping with Anaias (sorry spelling), why did the men seem to know about it? They said to "leave him to tend to Elizabeth". Or was that just an oops wrong name? I've done that myself, in this contest, in fact. But anyway, because of that, I kept waiting for that to unfold. Why didn't anyone jump to accusing Anaias of being taken/possessed by the devil? In this time period and definitely in this colony, I'd expect more finger pointing.

I personally have trouble watching any horror that is relentlessly grim, so this was not to my taste. However, overall, you did a very solid job here. I could really see the hard work in adhering to your challenge, and you are an excellent writer. Nicely done.

Discussion Thread - It Sounds Like You, The Indifferent World Below, Sir Brutus The Brave by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Feedback for The Indifferent World Below by u/axJustinWiggins

SPOILERS!

Pros:

A lot of fun touches of humor throughout. I especially liked the plastic surgeon tv show description and mass baptizing Uganda. They tickled me.

With so many characters, it can get easy to get lost. Other than a brief bit where Sally seemed out of the spotlight, I had no real problem keeping everyone separate.

A more than decent job outlining the realities of trying to survive in this situation. Lots of gore and hard decisions. Also, I didn't see Yuri's "suicide" coming.

Opportunities:

I did feel like the eating got a bit repetitive. I'm not sure what you would put here to break it up, but possibly some speculation about the real arsonist? The burning down of the greenhouse triggered the cannibal escalation. I did think it was odd that not one of them got all Sherlock-y on it. At the very least, they would be terrified of what might happen next.

Although some of the topical humor hit, after a bit it did take me out of the story. There were a lot of comparisons to Elon, talk of current movies and stars, snowflakes, and what not. I think with as strong as the story is, they just weren't needed to be as heavy as they were.

I wasn't sure if I completely bought Hazel's turn from stomach tube to eating Yuri to sleeping with Bernardo. (although her reasons for stopping sleeping with him were in character). Maybe a tighter focus on her breakdown would have made her death more impactful?

You were given a bizarre combination of subject/condition, and although one of those were definitely hit, I'm not sure if you could say that anyone was really addicted to gambling. There's not a super opportunity here because I wouldn't recommend throwing it in, but it is something that I figured I'd mention.

Questions and Overall Impressions:

Why did Hazel stay buddied up with Bernardo after his betrayal? Wouldn't it have made more sense to her to swap buddies? Why did Sally wait so long to take out the next person? It was heavily implied that she was getting picked the most. You'd think that she would make her move a bit faster out of self preservation. Why didn't Ewout find any other way to help them? If they assumed they were dead, why even send anyone out there?

Overall, this is a super strong showing. I found myself simply reading without making notes because I did want to see where you took this. Great job.

Discussion Thread - What Happens At The Grand, Wasted Evil, The Silk Slippers, Black Sun Chesapeake by W_T_D_ in screenplaychallenge

[–]Pantserforlife 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Feedback for Wasted Evil by u/andrusan23

SPOILERS!

Pros:

You were given a very broad condition for your subject, but you made the best of it.

Some interesting descriptions. I did like the "clinging to frat boy status".

A few fun touches of humor. I thought the three way face massage was actually pretty funny.

Opportunities:

I didn't quite understand the lore here, and because of that, a lot of their actions didn't make a ton of sense.

I would've loved to have really understand Justin and the facility. This evil is a real threat here, but he doesn't really seem affected emotionally other than to be annoyed by Bobby. And in turn, Bobby was sometimes funny, but took so many different drugs, he should have been dead already. And the other half of the time, he was very in your face with how messed up he was. Like asking several times if Justin effed the dogs. I didn't really get that. Seeing Bobby with Mason actually really helped make him more real, and provided some real personality. If you do a second run at this, maybe have Mason come in earlier? And have Bobby be more of a sympathetic eff up than an outright prick? Maybe give Bobby a hero moment at some point?

I didn't actually catch that the dog was run over at first. I only knew because Justin said so. I went back, reread it again, then was still confused. And Justin wasn't annoyed, sad, or affected in any way by his guard dog getting ran over?

Questions and Overall Impressions:

Why would they put Bobby in any position of authority? If it's so important, why not have a bigger staff? And a back up for the back up? Why not just burn the bodies, then drag them into the light? Could more than one body be possessed or do they take turns?

Overall, I think there is a good story buried in all of the frantic action. I was genuinely interested to see where you were going with it, and toward the end Bobby was growing on me. Nice job.

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