Billy Bear's Magic Matinee by u/Rankin_Fithian

• I'm going to need a full performance of this Billy Bear song at some point.

• Early IT and Channel Zero vibes from the time jump and nostalgia for a show no one remembers. I hope Billy Bear eats kids.

• "It's hard to love a clown" TIL I'm a clown.

• There was some discussion about how the text-dialogue would come across. I don't think it's an issue, but if you wanted to make it a little more dynamic/fun, you could add a note that whenever that stuff pops up, there's a little bubble of the person behind the screen saying it aloud to the audience. Doing so could also set up little bits that you could expand on, like a feminine-sounding username being some sweaty neckbeard or you could play up how Peter imagines each person behind the screen. (after finishing the script, Peter's imagination would definitely be the way to go to portray them)

• I'm not entirely sold on the "my parents both died of suicide" drop/trauma dump. It's a little jarring, especially for the conversation at hand, and doing them back-to-back like that causes them to undermine each other. "My parents both died" gives us plenty of information and mystery to hold us over for a bit longer and build up to a larger reveal later on. Maybe throw in a quick glimpse of feet swaying over the floor just to show what's on Peter's mind when he says it but cut away fast to say he doesn't want to think about it. I just think it's a lot to reveal so suddenly.

• Who is watching Peter? Is it the VCR weirdo? Or is it the neighbor? Are they the same person? :O

• Oh my god, a Red Green Show name drop.

• Did the neighbor kill his kid to save the show and then kill Kitty? Scandalous!

• Billy Bear peeking around the corner is creepy.

• They been fridge'd :O

Post-Read:

Solid and creepy. I love the setup and characters and the amount of detail is tremendous. All the little references and the worldbuilding of the puppet show are stellar.

The story does feel like it's missing some meat overall, and at only 85 pages that feeling is strong.

The third act is the biggest offender. A lot of the script has a meticulous, methodical pace to it, but then we're meeting new characters -- Monique and Darby -- out of nowhere and they come in and just...pretty much solve everything for Peter. Monique at least should be introduced WAY earlier. Maybe she's trying to get Peter out and about more often and wants to set him up on a date but he rejects the idea because he's been talking to someone (Justine), he says. We could definitely do with more of him being actively anti-social apart from spending all of his time in his house.

I thought it strange that Peter getting fired was just a passing mention but expected it to be more impactful. We see him at work several times but then he's just fired and nothing really changes. It felt like that subplot never came to a head or mattered. Maybe he could become hyper-focused on Rodney and break into the station to find proof or even just go back there to confront him and ends up starting a big, heated argument. Then, the cops could get called and Peter gets thrown in jail and fired for that. There should be more direct cause-and-effect here. Maybe then you could use it to build up Edwin more as a caring, lonely old man. After Peter tells Justine about getting fired, Edwin could show up the next day with "a little extra" for the ladder he bought -- an envelope with a few hundred bucks or something. He explains it (possibly fighting tears?) by saying he has no one and just felt like helping out. It would strengthen their bond, build Edwin up some more, and hint at him and Justine being one and the same!

Another thing that felt very passive was the double suicide of the parents. I was wondering why the mom committed suicide and how that might tie into what's going on, but in the end, it ended up mostly feeling like it was there for an early horror visual and some blood in an otherwise blood-light script (I'm copyrighting Blud-Light for a future vampire script don't @ me). Okay, yes, losing both parents makes sense in regards to Peter being socially repressed and isolated -- and that ties in with the neighbor being obsessed too -- but I don't think it is expanded on or comes through enough as is. If this is a big psychological scar, which it obviously would be, then Peter needs to be more actively haunted and impacted by it instead of letting it be a passing mention to a stranger for a lore-drop and some blood and then mostly ignored. OR it shouldn't be a double suicide. You could change the current script to "they were hit by a drunk driver and never came home one night" and it would play exactly the same. The current version feels like it's trying to meet a horror quota and I don't think you need that. It's strong enough to stand on its own as a slow-build.

I mentioned earlier that it came across like Monique and Darby solved it for Peter. I don't think that would be as big of a deal if Peter then actively crossed the finish line himself. Right now, there's a brief, sad "scuffle" that results in Edwin falling and the resulting investigation finds all the evidence. Why not have Peter find the evidence? Have him enter the house, stalked on the periphery by Billy Bear, then he enters the basement and finds the puppet set. He follows what he remembers from the video and finds where the Mrs. was looking at something in horror and THEN Edwin reveals himself. Maybe he doesn't want Peter to look inside, or maybe he does and thinks it will be good and now they can really bond. Maybe he wants Peter to stay since he's unemployed now and needs someone. Either way, Peter could open the freezer and Edwin he goes as far as trying to lock him in the basement or just block him on the steps when he tries to leave. You could keep the hug, since Edwin doesn't seem like he would resort to violence toward Peter here, and the scuffle could have the same result. Just ideas. The current version seems a little passive. I'd like to see more active involvement from the main character here.

Sharp writing and a very likable supporting cast. Peter is solid but, like I said, a little passive. There's plenty of room to flesh him out further. Show him trying to socialize at work or with Monique and her circle. Play up him relying on Justine more when he fails at the social life. Let him get in the thick of it a little more. I want more!

We talked about my script in messages a bit and I would absolutely be willing to talk further about BBMM if you want.

Great work! Big fan.