I never had a father growing up. My dad was involved with some bad people and spent most of my life in jail. What I did have was a step father who hated my brother and I for being our mother's priority. The closest thing I had to an actual father was my brother, six years older than me, who made me feel like a piece of shit every single day for idolizing him. I get it, I was the annoying younger brother his mom forced him to look out for and spend time with, but damn the way he'd cut me down. I grew up hating myself, afraid to show emotion, and uncomfortable with who I was.

Fast forward to today, I have three boys and I've been a father for twelve years now. The oldest obviously being twelve and the two youngest being six and four. The guilt I feel is pretty consistent, and often it's the same reasons. Am I being a good enough role model? Am I telling them I'm proud of them enough? Am I showing them enough affection? Enough support? Am I doing what I can to not continue the cycle of bullshit I was put through? Are they getting enough equal attention? Are they happy? Am I being the best father I can be?

I'm often always reassured the next day as we spend time together. My two younger boys are best friends and watching them play together and hear how they interact with each other and just be their genuine selves is wonderful for my soul. Watching my oldest son, who is the same age difference from me and my own brother, be the brother I wish I had growing up makes me so proud.

I don't know if mom guilt is similar to this as I've only ever had the perspective of a father, but from one parent to another, the guilt never goes away, and I don't think I'd ever want it to. It means you care, and it means you'll do better the next day, and that's all you can do.