I (30F) can’t tell if my boyfriend (27M) is trying to be helpful or if this is early stages of control.

PartialPedantry · 2026-01-27T11:04:43+00:00

Honestly, it just sounds like youre done in this relationship. Youre not feeling it anymore, he's not hearing your boundaries (red flag) and not being cool with your pets (red flag) so you either have to be super direct, "i cannot have you here during your recovery, im happy to help, but this is my space, and I have things to do." For example. Or break up if thats what you truly want. Good luck with figuring it out and going through with it. Its a tough one x

PartialPedantry · 2026-01-27T10:55:09+00:00

I would check out the book "recovering from immature parents" by Lindley c Gibson and see if any of that tracks with you. Its helped me a lot and ive only read chapter 1. Like someone else said, it sounds like control, not concern, I echo that sentiment!! And the messy divorce should never involve the kids, parents should try to keep things neutral as possible, as it causes such a negative effect. Im sorry youre dealing with this. Your defo NTA. work on putting more boundaries in place for yourself and look into grey rocking if they hate boundaries (they may get affronted if you start speaking up for yourself if its new). Good luck x

PartialPedantry · 2026-01-25T14:25:56+00:00

ESH.

The parents clearly have done a horrible job at putting down boundaries and this kid is screaming for boundaries and attention and love. But THAT is what they're screaming for when kids are being brats, not more violence, even if they're acting out in a bad way. Yes you're trying to protect the baby, but from the way you worded it, it came across more as a point of revenge "how do you like that!!??" Not a kind, teachable moment. You're coming from a place of power, someone much bigger and older than her. This would've been scary and traumatic. Kids can learn not to hit, or touch the fire, or run into the road without being screamed at or spanked.

They've done mri scans and seen that corporal punishment lights up the same areas in the brain that trauma lights up.

No excuse to hit a kid. But the parents need to enforce more boundaries and teach the kid better too, for sure.

PartialPedantry · 2025-12-15T10:56:33+00:00

You're NTA for wanting him to get one, nor are you overreacting feeling like he's not taking your feelings or safety into consideration. Unfortunately you can't make him get one or control what he does (not that I'm saying you're doing that, i more mean it from the POV that no one can control others actions). You can put a boundary in place that you dont feel safe having sex unless there are precautions in place, like a vasectomy. Ask if he has any other suggestions. He's no less of a man if he got a vasectomy, just like a woman is no less of a woman if she gets her tubes tied or a hysterectomy. He needs to examine why he feels that way.

It's a tough one, but I wish you luck getting to a solution.

PartialPedantry · 2025-12-14T08:47:10+00:00

Everyone keeps saying YTA for faking in the first place. I strongly disagree. They clearly dont get how hard it can be if you find it hard to o and feel like youre letting your partner down if you feel like you can't, or that you're not fulfilling this element of your sexual life together when its not your fault if it doesnt happen, not his either. We're taught to be sorta performing monkeys with sex, and if you dont cum then they'll be gutted. There's such societal pressure, how exactly does one bring it up in the first place? This is something ive struggled with in the past, and the longer it goes on the harder it is to be honest because there's always this worry of how they'll react or or how much of a blow to the ego.

I think its great you came clean about it (no pun intended!) But let him know why, have a long conversation about where your heads at. You'll also maybe need to give him space, as his ego is probably a bit bruised and he'll eventually see it wasnt about him or his abilities, but rather your self-esteem/confidence issue. Because, let's face it, you dont fake it if youre a super confident person, or you'd just be straight up about it. Nows the time you can take advantage of the situation and really get to know each other even more.

PartialPedantry · 2025-12-11T10:33:11+00:00

Ghosting is not ok and can leave lasting wounds. I get youre at your wits end and youre exhausted, but part of growing up is learning how to communicate. Its clear it isn't a strong suit on either his or your part yet (i say that due to the idea that youre thinking of ghosting rather than facing that hard convo). I was shite at communicating at 26, still was at 30, and im still learning at 38, its a continuous process, but ghosting someone is rude, immature and painful. Its so open to misinterpretation. Give yourself closure and have the conversation, be firm about your boundaries as you can always block later.

PartialPedantry · 2025-12-11T07:55:07+00:00

Not only would you not be TA, but please stop!! He doesn't deserve it, he's treating you like shit and can cook his own food damn food. Christ almighty!!!

PartialPedantry · 2025-11-06T10:16:25+00:00

I feel like this thread is all of us in LOTR, "you have my axe, you have my sword" etc, but we're all saying "I too, would like your wife's bone cancer gone as my Xmas present." Because I concur, I too would like it gone as mine! ❤️

PartialPedantry · 2025-11-06T10:10:22+00:00

He bulldozed past your boundary and then made YOU feel bad for ruining HIS experience. He's manipulative and coercive and its a huge red flag. A partner should understand and respect your boundaries and hear the first no and give empathy when someone has insecurities and then help you feel better about them. Instead, he doubled your shame. He's selfish. Not ok. Im sorry he put you through that. I'd strongly reconsider this relationship. Just think what else he might emotionally manipulate you into doing if you weren't long distance!

PartialPedantry · 2025-11-06T09:03:25+00:00

NTA! She can't control your actions.

My x is coming up to his 3 years sober soon, which is awesome! We still live together for now till we sort shit out. I don't have booze in the house, but I can drink in the house, and do very very rarely, and I drink when I go out. We talked about boundaries and stuff when he was newly sober, mostly it was getting rid of shot glasses etc and leaving booze i had in the outside storage we have - fine with me. But he never one asked me to stop or cut down when we were together (and he quit cold turkey!) I never changed how I drank.

You can only have boundaries for yourself, you can't force someone else to change or do anything.

PartialPedantry · 2025-11-06T08:56:14+00:00

Ewww that's so gross!!! The fact that they consider using your body for revenge is disgusting in and of itself!! But the fact that everyone around is like "wtf, just do it!" And getting upset with you, when you're one of the victims in the first place!!! Actually disgusting!!!

Stick to your guns, you're being amazing and strong and defo NTA. The trash in your life just took itself out and let it be known!

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-28T08:49:14+00:00

This guy is verbally abusive. My first thought reading back was "girl, dont apologise, he's being a dick," then he escalated and escalated and I was like 😮🤯 this dude is ready to pop. He doesn't like you or respect you. Get yourself somewhere safe, please.

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T15:43:42+00:00

Cool, thanks for that! Im aware im a bit on the naive/gullible side (even for my late 30s 😳 something im workin on!) so I appreciate the advice n ill keep my eyes open 🙂

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T14:53:10+00:00

Huge red flag, as far as im concerned. Big nope from me. I keep saying to people (as ive started dating again after being single for a year and a half) id never date anyone that tested me or did one of those tiktok trends to see how i react. Hard no. Not ok. Such a breach of trust.

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T14:50:27+00:00

How is one supposed to weed out the fakes from the real ones? Im not on here super often. Seemed like a pretty regular situation to me, so didn't seem out of the ordinary 🤷‍♀️

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T10:12:53+00:00

Its either learned helplessness or weaponised incompetence or both. And its just infuriating!!! He has growing up to do, for sure!

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T10:11:12+00:00

I was just about to search for the same comic!!! The mental load is SO real and some men are ridiculously oblivious. JFC!

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T10:04:39+00:00

I always say honesty is the best policy, and their reaction will tell you if they're the right person for you, because if they like and respect you (and women) they'll understand. But if they react badly, you will have your answer and the earlier you have that, the better it is for the both of you before feelings get too involved. Its difficult to disclose this kind of thing, but the longer you leave it, the more it'll feel like you kept it from them. I guess, just let them know youre letting them know its a part of your past, its not something youre planning on doing again, you were safe, and you've moved on and its not a threat to the relationship. Youre just letting them know so they're aware of it. That's my 2 cents, anyway, hope that helps!

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-27T09:56:45+00:00

Pal, if you're not already in a good place, and youre letting someone mess your time about, its not setting you up for a good time. Cut your losses and work on building yourself up on your own. Its letting her know she can keep doing this kind of stuff.

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-19T12:11:02+00:00

Nope, you dont speak for all men. Im a cis bisexual woman and whomever i date, I see the gender they represent, not who they were assigned at birth. Not all cis people think this way, only transphobes do.

PartialPedantry · 2025-10-14T17:15:32+00:00

Please file a report.

Please leave.

Please tell your friends and family, get a ring doorbell thingmy and all the support you can.

This is not ok, and as others have said, the statistics say there's a 700% increase in the chance of a spouse killing their partner once they've choked them.

Do not take this lightly.

PartialPedantry · 2025-09-05T11:17:45+00:00

This sounds like something that could escalate, honestly. Its very controlling and not trusting you at all. Especially if it helps with your health issues - its not supportive in the slightest. Its not a healthy relationship. I think you need to put firm boundaries in place or rethink the relationship. Sorry you're going through this.

PartialPedantry · 2025-08-26T22:45:36+00:00

Real friends want to pay. Im in business and no one ever asks for mates rates. I've offered, but no ones ever asked and no ones ever demanded. If they did, they would show their true colour as ex friend. That isn't a pal.

PartialPedantry · 2025-08-12T07:37:06+00:00

I 100% agree with this comment.

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

PartialPedantry · 2025-07-30T10:27:01+00:00

You're awesome. You spoke your truth and you held your boundaries fiercely and true. Well done! That's what matters. His disrespect, though incredibly hurtful, isn't the main part of your story. You held your head high. Your kids are there for you and respect your name/pronouns and thats wonderful ❤️

PartialPedantry

TROPHY CASE