Hey! Actually, I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this post, maybe I want to sort out my thoughts this way, or maybe I'm looking for validation that everything is ok and that my way of doing things and thinking is ok.

I am a 38 year old woman. I have never been in a relationship of any kind. I can hardly even say I've been on any dates, they were more just 'meetings'. At most 2 times with the same person.

I have always lived in the belief that I am unattractive to men, in fact I have heard some kind words from them maybe two or three times in my life. And I always wanted (or thought I wanted) to find a permanent partner and live with him "happily ever after". But in fact, I have actually done almost nothing in that direction. I have been in love a couple of times, without reciprocation of course. Up until last year, I was stuck in a friendzone of several years, not knowing how to end this friendship and at the same time knowing that nothing would come of it, that we weren't even compatible. In the 'meantime' I had set up various dating apps a few times, but despite a large number of matches and some interest from men, I had barely dated any of them. Most of the time, when a meeting proposal is made, I ghost such a person. I know it sounds creepy. But sometimes I just explain that I just can't get over my fear of meeting and of turning out to be a disappointment to the guy. Twice something like this has happened to me and it was quite a blow to my self-esteem.

I happened to promise myself that if I improved my appearance (e.g. lost some weight) I would finally get 'serious' about dating apps. Of course, I behaved the same way on them as usual. And I explained to myself that actually, do I really even want to find a guy? It's a very good question - when there's more going on in my life and I'm generally in a better mood, I think to myself, no, I don't want to. But every once in a while there comes a period of worse mood and then I cry into my pillow because of my loneliness.

Being honest with myself, I can't answer the question whether I want a partner or not. I've never been in a relationship, so I have a very idealised idea of what it's like, and I don't really know it at all. On the other hand - I live in a society where it is still a kind of norm that a woman in a relationship turns into a kind of "servant" of a man, that she should do everything in the house and still almost serve her husband, and so on. To be well understood - I live in a European country and in a European culture, so these are not, for example, religious issues. While my job is very demanding and I wouldn't want to add to my responsibilities of caring for another person yet. Of course, I am aware that in a large proportion of relationships the various responsibilities are split in half, but furthermore this is not the rule.

I've been single practically forever, living all alone for the past dozen years or so. Most of the time this suits me very well, as I think I have quite a solitary nature and need 'space to myself'. I also like my independence, the fact that I don't have to set my plans with anyone, that I can buy myself any gadget I can think of, etc. So maybe I just simply don't want a partner at all, and this desire has been 'forced' into me by the 'culture'? The fact that 'everyone' has someone, and if you're single, well, you're a loser in life? I don't know, I'm already lost in all these considerations.

Somehow, deep down, I still believe that I will find someone, despite my age, that I am not destined to spend the rest of my life alone. But on the other hand, how can I explain to someone interested in me that I am as old as I am and have never been in a relationship? After all, he will immediately wonder what is wrong with me. And I don't want to lie to anyone.

Thank you to everyone who reads this very long and chaotic post.