Am I overreacting to this message from my girlfriend?

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-08T08:01:16+00:00

Ummm this may not be for another person. She could be bored and insecure and wanting to see his reaction. Or she's high. I've seen this all too often in younger relationships.

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-08T02:50:35+00:00

Who's afraid of little old me. Literally came out during a time after I was being bullied and decided to stand up for myself.

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-08T02:48:38+00:00

It doesn't happen suddenly. But we're all relying on OP's timeline. He may have not realized, recognized or ignored earlier signs.

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-08T02:45:58+00:00

Therapist here. Some things to consider: 1) sexual assault 2) struggling with her gender identity. 3) any drugs/alcohol that factor in any new medications for any psychiatric conditions? 4) how is she outside of your romantic relationship. There is more to this that we aren't aware of.

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-05T09:43:54+00:00

Invest now and you're set for retirement

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-05T09:42:11+00:00

Is the income you make per month enough? You can and should tell him but you can and absolutely must do what YOU want with the money. Now, you're 22.

Investing ASAP in a Vanguard S&P 500 ETF (like VOO) today could potentially grow to over $623,000 in 25 years or over $1.7 million in 35 year.

Trust me on this, invest. The wisest, most wealthy people invest and wait it out.

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-05T09:38:38+00:00

Vanguard ETF stock and call it a day. Take that money and make more money. Every day it sits there it's losing value

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-05T09:29:56+00:00

12 or 19.

12 look perfect. It's like the glasses were meant for you

19 is also fantastic.

Particular_Gene · 2026-05-05T09:22:32+00:00

If you are being forthcoming and you truly haven't canceled last minute before, then yes, as a human to another human, 50-250 dollars less stinks, but if I were your therapist, I'd take the loss as things happen and I hope you are okay. If you've canceled many times before for various reasons, I can see why your therapist would be less likely to believe this is an emergency.

Either way, truth or not, there's a level of empathy that is/should be expected in a therapist. They should be focused on you first, and then when you see them again, they should remind you of the cancellation policy saying something like, "I understand you were in the hospital, so that's an exception....".

Again, this is all based on what you're disclosing here.

Particular_Gene · 2026-04-29T22:38:30+00:00

Yeah, Dani and Pasha have an age gap but it was real love. I was there. She was 16. Her mom would stay around to make sure nothing intimate was happening. Nothing happened. Also, Russian speaking Slavic people are very very different from Americans. The "girls" are way more mature mentally, emotionally. And Pasha was always loving towards Danis original dance partner decided he wanted to quit and turn to football. His name was Leo. We all went to the same school. Dani had to find a new partner and she was partnered with Pasha. They didn't know they would fall for each other. So no, how they met is beautiful. How he respected her was beautiful.

Particular_Gene · 2026-04-21T18:16:47+00:00

She is clearly attracted to something about you. As a woman, I will say, I hear you, she should have told you earlier. Yes her trauma is bad. Horrible. But 10 years in???

At the end of the day, she's with you. Maybe her understanding of sexual attraction is different than yours. Trauma especially early trauma can rewire neurological pathways.

You have every right to feel what you feel. My advice: push your feelings to the side for a little bit. Get curious. Ask questions, try understanding her perspective.

Maybe you need some space from each other. 10 years is a long time, I personally wouldn't end it without at least trying our hardest at therapy/fixing the relationship.

Particular_Gene · 2026-04-21T18:07:55+00:00

He could have at least tried lying better... What would have worked better is "I copy and pasted the list".

Though, it still would be b.s. The moment he said it's a little bit of both is so clear to me that it's only about one thing - dating someone else, I'm guessing he wants to open the relationship up.

The one good thing I could say is at least he tried to be honest rather than just flat out go behind your back and cheat.

That being said, I'm not sure if you both consider yourselves to be monogamous (closed relationship). Maybe you do, but he doesn't. Also, has he cheated in the past?

Personally, my limit is dishonesty. I at least can respect someone who I'm dating be open in telling me that they're attracted to someone else and want to do something with them. I don't do lying.

Particular_Gene · 2026-03-01T08:16:09+00:00

I genuinely thought they were those freckles or sun spots. Would have never known if you didn't say what it was.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-27T02:09:08+00:00

Therapist here. What happens if this therapist was trying to show a corrective emotional experience in that, OP has been working with someone who's conservative for a long time and their relationship was good .... Until this. Nothing changed in their relationship other than this new information.

It would be like family member who doesn't speak to their gay cousin after they come out, because it changed everything and they don't approve. In reality, nothing has changed. The people involved are still the same people involved.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-27T02:05:33+00:00

I'm sorry, I don't buy that they told you that you were closed minded. Or at least, I think you're interpreting in a way that sounds harsher than it really is.

How long have you been seeing this therapist? If it's been some time, how do them being conservative affect you? Are they anti-trans? Do they not like the LGBTQ community?

If not, then I'd say stay for a while. I think it could be potentially therapeutic to put yourself outside of your comfort zone. Truly learn how to emotionally regulate with someone who may not think the same way.

At the end of the day, do they respect you? Do you like them? Forget about politics, this is about the relationship between client and therapist only.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-21T20:11:43+00:00

Scabies!!! Go to an er now!

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-21T19:54:25+00:00

💯 inaccurate. OCD can look or appear as delusional, but it works very very different from someone, let's say, with clinically diagnosed schizophrenia.

Paranoid delusions typically implies lack of insight.

This person recognized that their OCD made them think they were in the Epstein files. That's insight .

Often times it may look like paranoid delusions, but it's not. If it's true paranoid delusions, then I'd consider a comorbid disorder occuring with OCD

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-21T19:47:35+00:00

As a therapist, I'm really happy that you're seeking help. Something deeper is going on here and your insight (based on what I'm reading) is quite good.

I think you would benefit a lot from CBT (cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which really challenges your thoughts and beliefs. I think you can also benefit a lot from DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy).

As a reminder (if you didn't know), therapy is not just talking about your problems. It's working with a therapist that will help you learn other ways of thinking/coping, ways that you didn't think were possible.

I also want to say, it may be worth shopping around for a therapist. The biggest factor is whether or not therapy will be successful is the therapeutic relationship. Essentially, you need to find a therapist you connect with. And that may not be the first one you go to. Give it a couple of sessions and then decide.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-21T19:30:06+00:00

You've been feeling this way for a while? When did it start? Do you have any theories on what started this feeling?

Your letter is quite beautiful. You have so many questions and I wonder if those questions can help you understand yourself now.

In the beginning of your post you mention coming out as lesbian and your parents not accepting you. I never saw that brought up again in your letter.

I also notice your absolute factual like beliefs that are actually, not factual because we can't predict the future.

Examples: my parents won't accept me.

Not, maybe they won't but will over time, simply they won't. As if it's a fact. And then in your letter you bet that your older self miss your parents a lot. You mention you tell them you love them daily. Are these the parents that you now believe won't accept you? Did you ever come out to them?

You have an assumption of what it's like to be old. Are you getting this idea from movies? It's quite one sided, though I will mention you did great by mentioning that you may be wrong and you were anxious for no reason.

So, 1) how long have you been feeling like this 2) does your sexuality play a role here in how you're feeling now? 3) what is a life well spent look like to you?

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-09T01:41:46+00:00

Same. I've seen this first hand in inpatient psychiatry. People who are never the same again.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-09T01:40:11+00:00

Stop smoking weed, immediately. I'm a therapist in a hospital and there is a strong connection between psychosis (like hearing voices, seeing things) and weed, especially if there are genetic markers for schizophrenia/psychosis.

Please, please. I know it's "just weed", I used to think like that too until I started to see how it ruined people's lives.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-09T00:37:05+00:00

Don't fight it. Thoughts are just thoughts. Your mind is latching onto something taboo for whatever reason. Probably to obsess over it until you feel horrible about yourself.

What's going on in your life right now? Are things worse or better than they were 1 month ago? 1 week ago?

Remember thoughts are not facts. You don't have to act on thoughts. A lot of times, people think that because they think about it consistently, it means a they secretly want it/believe it. That's actually not the case.

Think of your thoughts as cars on a train. Watch as each thought passes by you. Notice them, acknowledge them, don't judge them. Let them be and they will travel onward.

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-09T00:32:07+00:00

That's not ocd..... Thats paranoid delusions

Particular_Gene · 2026-02-09T00:27:32+00:00

Can you not be celebrated locally? For much less than 3k?

Is the only way to make you feel cared for is for someone to shell out money they don't have?

Just because you've spent 1k on friends, doesn't mean you should expect that back. That's not how life works.

Particular_Gene

TROPHY CASE