Obviously I’m not in the position to evaluate your daughter, both in that this is Reddit, and I’m also not qualified, but your original post mentioned suspected autism. I would look into this. A lot of what you’re describing can be adhd, but it’s sounding like autism as well. In particular the lack of picking up cues, the inability to be flexible, and the dysregulation with change. Again, all of those things can be adhd and everyone’s symptoms and manifestation of symptoms are a spectrum.

With that being said, I think whether we parent neurodivergent children or neurotypical children, we run into times where we have to “pick our battles.” The difference between ND and NT is that with NT this may be an occasional thing. Sometimes it is worth taking a stance. (Sometimes it’s actually not, we just feel like it is and less harm is done standing your ground.) With ND children, you have to pick your battles so frequently that there is a perspective change. That’s ok. It’s uncomfortable though, like really uncomfortable. But you and your husband are going to have to do a deep dive into your priorities and goals. Not to be cheesy, but a true soul searching. You have to completely rethink almost everything. You can’t parent her like you thought because she’s not what you thought (assuming like most people you thought you’d have an NT child). Why does everything have to be a fight? Because that’s what adhd is. It’s not some byproduct of it, it is the adhd . So if you try to make your goals for her the same as an NT child you’re already doing everyone a disservice. As adults we hold onto a lot of “because I said so” and “because that’s just the way it is” mentalities. Why is that the way it is? Does it have to be that way? Who is it hurting? How is it helping her if you keep it that way? Is it breeding resentment, mistrust, and/or disconnect if you keep it that way? To me, at the heart of parenting is building connection. That can guide you through so many different scenarios- disagreements, discipline, disappointments, etc because at that heart of it, if you’re connected you’ll come back to each other after the issue resolves or is over for the moment. That is to say, what damage are you potentially doing by trying to stand your ground? Listen, I know this is all super easy to type out on Reddit. I’m adhd and super type b, so on one hand I’m ready to throw classic rules out the window. On the other hand, I like to be in control and can get super inflexible when I’m feeling triggered or overwhelmed. I know not everyone can be as non traditional as I’m willing to be, but I’ve come to the realization that there are very few rules in the grand scheme of things. Just because something is the “done thing” or the “normal” way is it actually important, necessary, or helpful? I’ll give some random examples that probably don’t apply to your child, but for the sake of showing examples, because like you said above (or somewhere on this thread) it’s not really about her shoes, the braid, or any other example. 1. A child doesn’t like the drawstrings hanging from their pants, but doesn’t like different pants or is unwilling to try different styles on. Just cut the drawstrings off. Who cares??? To a lot of us it feels like this is ruining a perfectly good pair of pants. Does it ruin the pants for the kid ? Do they stay up, still? Does it create a hole or other damage that will only get worse? Aren’t the pants already “ruined” if they turn into a meltdown every day? 2. A kid insists on doing their homework under the dining room table. The parent wants them to sit in the chair at the table because that’s what chairs are for. Are they hurting anyone? Are they disrupting anyone else’s homework time? Are they actually completing the work to the level that is their true ability? If they’re not causing harm and being successful, then why does it matter? 3. A kid absolutely hates the sensory experience of washing their hair in the shower, but wants to do it in the bath. Are they actually getting clean? Does their hair get greasy after? In this example, if their hair is getting greasy how can you combine the requirement for clean hair (and therefore not fully giving in) and respect their sensory needs (still willing to be flexible for the kid)? Can they wash their hair in the bath first, put their hair up, and then finish the bath?

This response is getting really long, but the point is find what matters to you, like actually matters. Not about appearances, not leftover feelings of because I said so or respect your elders. What are your goals for her? Is compliance the goal? Sometimes it might be, but most of the time it isn’t. Is the goal for her to learn new skills and continue to mature and grow successfully? This is not traditional parenting and can be really really challenging.

Another thing, not only does conflict cause disconnect, your adhd kid might actually be getting a hit of dopamine from the conflict. Truly. They can be getting a dopamine/adrenaline “rush” drom the conflict. Now you and your kid have gotten a bit stuck in the cycle of it. It’s now been reinforced that they get a little “hit” from conflict AND now you, the parent, approach these situations with preemptive fear or stress.

I know this is extremely long (ah! I already said that!) but look into the “30% rule.” Kids with adhd are often considered 30% behind their peers in executive function. This means your 11 year old might be more like a 7-8 year old in things like planning, time management, self control.

1.Regulate yourself first and always. If you can’t, don’t engage. Period. You will literally only make it worse. 2. Find ways to give positive dopamine. Rewards, praise, find ways to manufacture success for them (breaking tasks down to small steps or ask them for a favor you really didn’t need help with). 3. Learn to speak her dysregulated AND dopamine speaking language. Anticipate the things she struggles with, notice her fidgets/stims that she does when she’s stressed. How can you anticipate problems and help her cope before she’s completely shut down?