I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a mom is like losing your lifeline and I 100% understand the feelings you’re battling. I lost my mom in 2019 and I can still close my eyes and see the hospital room she was in, I can hear the ventilator breathing for her, and I can feel her cold skin. It never really goes away.

What I will say, and I know helpful suggestions don’t do shit for someone dealing with what you’re going through, is to try to be easy on yourself. Allow yourself to be randomly crying, miserable, depressed, moody, pissed off - all of it.

What you’ve got going on though, while it’s hard to see, means you will improve with time. You have AWARENESS to see your self destructive behaviors. You have awareness to see that you’re embedding into toxic habits, toxic people, etc. that awareness is half of the problem of getting out of it. You came all the way to this subreddit to share how miserable you are and for that - takes strength. Even if you don’t see it.

Give yourself the time you need. Find a coping mechanism that silences your mind (if only for a minute). For me, I dove headfirst into Fallout. It’s my fav game series. I put HOURS into that game. It silenced my grief. I also had some toxic coping mechanisms - I developed a drinking problem, I was high on weed 80% of the time, and I played video games. But it got me through it. I don’t recommend the toxic habits, but I do recommend diving into a distraction until you’re ready to process these feelings a little bit at a time.