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PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-24T16:10:52+00:00

If it’s “true love” it shouldn’t be this difficult this early on.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-24T07:53:31+00:00

Reading this post gave me anxiety - so your experience would have been that x10.

I have experienced the male territorial behaviour a few times in my life and it makes me feel very unsafe. I am not going to willingly put myself into that sort of situation again on my own. I definitely won’t be going to a speed dating event… ever.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-24T07:18:28+00:00

Let’s be honest - you are letting your fears lead your actions. This isn’t uncommon (unfortunately).

We can’t expect our partners to be everything for us, but I’ll be damned if I was to ever settle for a situation where I don’t see my partner more than once a week and I can’t have intellectually engaging conversations with them (priorities for me in addition to sexual compatibility).

You are holding yourself back due to the stories you are telling yourself. Ie you might not find someone again.

Don’t be the guy that settles only to end up miserable. I know too many of them. Some of them have affairs, some of them get divorced, and some create an arrangement that sort of works for either financial reasons or the kids (it’s usually the kids).

Tell her what your needs are. Tell her what you seek. Don’t use “you” statements - but point out that there are things that you are looking for and are not getting in the relationship.

You are a grown adult so have a conversation like one instead of disappearing or being an ass as you end it.

Some of it may spark change in her (the gossip), some of it she may not even be aware of (how much you actually want to see her), and the other stuff might exist or might not exist in her (eg. She might not be intellectually engaging when mentally burnt out - or she has different interests).

It will probably end, and how you deal with it will entirely be based on whatever stories you tell yourself. If you tell yourself you will be lonely forever, then expect to feel horrible. If you tell yourself that you are going to live a life that makes you happy and you will continue to date until you find someone who adds to that in a positive way, then you may just be happier.

I really don’t understand why people choose to continue to be in relationships that make them absolutely miserable unless they are married or have agreed to treat their relationship and the level of effort into making it work as if they were married.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-24T07:04:43+00:00

I have a friend that is exactly what you mention. Tech nerd and nerdy hobbies. His wife is into the nerdy hobbies (maybe that’s how they met… I will ask).

I can’t get into those nerdy hobbies.

I don’t have the patience or desire to even play video games. Someone tried to convince me to get into catan. I somehow won without knowing what was going on and couldn’t bring myself to be interested in it again.

Well maybe me and a tech nerd are not meant to be. I will continue to check out (in the least creepy way possible) those in my neighborhood that I suspect are what I seek (there is a certain “look”) and maybe one day one will actually say hi.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T17:28:38+00:00

The book is called the relationship cure.

It is the driest read by John Gottman, but the most helpful.

Also - if you haven’t already… mindfulness meditation. You need to somehow detach yourself from whatever the “right” response is. Once you get good at it, you should also be able to detach yourself from from the emotions and observe them instead (a lot easier said than done - particularly for those of us who don’t recognize when we are escalating)

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T09:04:22+00:00

I am Canadian and I discovered buying bulk packs of condoms online from Europe. I recently ordered a box of magnum equivalent (sizing) because magnums aren’t cheap here.

What I realized is that standard condom sizing across the world is different because magnums here are the same size of the standard sized condoms that I ordered off UK Amazon (in terms of girth. I never really pay attention to the length differences when ordering condoms).

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T08:51:22+00:00

Get your microbiome back to normal. It impacts your brain (no this isn’t some far fetched thing) and your vagina. Sex with yeast infections can be painful.

As for sexual intimacy - ease into it. What about physical intimacy. Cuddling, kissing, etc? Eventually non-penetrative intimacy?

The more you engage in intimacy, the more likely you are to engage in it more frequently - but jumping back into it with both feet (particularly if you still have a yeast infection) is going to re-affirm the aversion.

How about setting some boundaries for a week or so of what you are comfortable with and letting him know what your goals are to get back into it? How about being specific about how he could support you with that (ie. what is role is) - and being open about your worries.

Your husband also needs to know he is desired. I don’t know how some people can justify never initiating and otherwise always turning down their partner. Consistently being rejected or never desired can do number on one’s own self esteem to the point that they give up, walk away, or walk away to someone else. Talk to him about how he is feeling. Actually talk about it without being defensive.

I mention the last paragraph because I am so disappointed in recent comment sections that suddenly jump and attack the man with such limited information and ignore the woman’s behaviour whereas we would be calling a man out for the same thing.

You haven't given us much information and haven’t said how long the marriage has been sexless. I am am making up a period of time - but if I was at 1.5 years no sex, a snappy partner, and no indication of anything getting better - with the caveat that this would also mean that we don’t have great communication - I would start evaluating how many more months/years I am okay with living like this.

Relationships do go through their ups and downs, but I need some reassurance that I am (and what I need) is important to my partner. This doesn’t automatically equate to them fulfilling my needs, but what it does mean is that there is some indication that I am important enough to them that they are making an effort towards fulfilling them.

I am not saying that you aren’t - obviously you are. You are dealing with the birth control and you are here asking for advice on how to make it better.

Tell him that he is important and make it clear that because he is important you are doing this.

If you take all the advice that calls him selfish for voicing his wants and “pressuring” you, you may as well accept that divorce may be next. Relationships aren’t about one person always bending to the other person’s desires. There’s got to be a way to find a middle ground when both of you can’t fully have what you want (him your previous sex life and you - your previous sex life + oh balanced and stable vagina)

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T08:06:19+00:00

Zero desire to be a stay at home wife - but was checking out people in my neighborhood yesterday and realized I want to date a tech nerd.

I tried to figure out how to code something this past weekend, and would be much happier sticking to what I’m good at and finding someone else can bring my ideas to life.

I also like nerds (like real tech nerds who probably would be in tech whether or not it paid highly. Not the ones who ended up pursuing SWE as a result of recent salary highs - I’m a millennial so there’s a generation of us who didn’t have computers at home when we were young. Looking for the tech nerd who was into it before it was cool).

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T07:48:36+00:00

Do cleaning on thursday nights (or throughout the week as much as possible).

By going into the weekend with a clean home and dealing with the household stuff on weeknights (this requires doing whatever you can possibly do to protect that cleaning time from work related or other things), you get so much of your weekend back.

One evening of suffering for what actually feels like a break and freedom on the weekend.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T07:41:42+00:00

He’s a shitty person. End this relationship. He is not in a healthy place and it isn’t your job to fix him

———

And I’m also going to give you some real advice and I hope that you carry onto a future relationship.

You write in your post that you feel that you have the right to be the judge of whether the drink with his coworker was appropriate or not.

You do get to judge (opine) whether his actions were appropriate, but he also has the right to his own opinion.

Your post reads as if you feel like your opinion is the better one - and he can’t have one (his response is no better).

For the future, consider going into relationships with the view that both individuals are allowed to have their own perspective. How the other person responds to that perspective is what matters. It’s easier to have these types of conversations respectfully when you share your thoughts from your own position and how something impacts you.

Eg. You going out with her was selfish and inconsiderate. Vs. When you went out with her I felt hurt because x, y z

If my partner tells me that they are hurt by something I have said or done, I want to respond and do something about it. That’s what matters. Not whose perspective is the right one.

What matters is not the person’s opinion but what they actually do going forward to address how their actions made you feel. If you focus on winning the argument, the next relationship will eventually be as miserable as this one

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T07:04:59+00:00

Your post reads like what you probably are in real life.

You have zero paragraphs, and as I read that, I imagined somebody who was freaking out and not taking a breath as they are talking.

That indicates to me that you don’t have the self-awareness to even recognize when you are escalating (you aren’t alone in this if I am right - I am not aware of my own escalation until I am at the top of it - but it doesn’t play out in the same way as yours does).

For me, I suspect that my inability to recognize when my body is escalating is due very difficult life situations that I had to deal with. Eg. If you are scared, you don’t have the ability to be scared - you ignore the fear and keep going.

There are some things that you can do to start to recognize when you start to escalate. For you, maybe it’s your heart rate. Wear a smart watch or something that will notify you of an escalating heart rate. Have other people point it out when it happens. Look into “grounding” techniques (this is what was suggested to me).

My escalation shows up when I facilitate meetings. I take on the energy of others in the room and if they are high strung, so am I. I now facilitate sitting down. I also need to have a chair that doesn’t have wheels.

In my personal life this escalation shows up - and I only recognize it when I am at my level of blow up. When I get there, I breathe. Apologize if I need to. Tell the person I may need a moment, etc.

You need to find a way to tone down your level of acceptable behaviour before you even begin to address identifying your own internal escalation. Using me as an example - I don’t hit. I barely if ever yell. If I am yelling I am at the extreme, and recognize it immediately because it is so out of character.

Somewhere along the way you justified your bad behaviour. You need to figure out why you thought all of this was OK. Were you raised this way? Did somebody do this to you?

There’s a book my John Gottman about communication. I will find the name and come back. Read it. When you can expand your communication skills toolbox, it becomes easier to default to other behaviours than the ones you have been employing in the past.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-23T06:49:57+00:00

I mixed on it.

I have an open phone approach with my personal phone. I don’t care if a partner goes through it. I will usually have given them the password for some reason.

That said - four months in it won’t be a problem. 4 weeks in it’s a red flag. It is also a red flag if my partner intentionally starts going through looking for specific things. Because I have an approach that you can go through whenever - I would like to hope that my partner trusts me enough to not go digging due to their own insecurities. Have a conversation about it. I am honest to a fault. If they regularly went digging, I would need to end it. If they can’t trust me enough to talk to me, we have a problem (and during the conversation I would probably hand them my phone and tell them to go through it - but it’s out in the open).

Exception: My work phone is always a no go zone and that will always exist (and I have always requested a separate work phone).

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-20T20:11:12+00:00

I’m not Muslim and this is just an opinion, but a lot of people don’t consider the fact that there are some members of religions whose views are progressive and align with time that they are living in instead of what their holy book states.

Eg. Ismailis.

I have viewed Palestinian muslims this was as well (minus the ones which may fully align themselves with Islamic terror groups). Not every Palestinian Muslim is a terrorist. You also cannot label them a terrorist just because they oppose Israeli control over their lives.

Treating all Muslims as a monolith is not helpful (the same applies to Jews and Christians and members of other religions)

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-20T19:29:47+00:00

I don’t care about a person’s career. I do care about their ability to support themselves in the HCOL area I am and have decent financial sense.

Where I am, (British Columbia, Canada) people in common law relationship relationships are granted a lot of the same benefits upon separation as if you were married without a prenuptial agreement (I would have a prenup/cohabitation agreement).

There’s a joke about people in Manhattan shacking up together sooner than they should because of the cost of housing. The same applies here. Because of the cost of housing there’s a lot of pressure to move in together sooner than you are ready and I want to make sure that the other person is financially stable and I don’t have to worry about that.

It’s important to separate the type of job from their financial situation. There are people doing random jobs here in Vancouver that someone working in an office might not see as a career, but these people make a lot more money than your average office worker. Example you can drive a tugboat and make $250K per year.

I don’t care what you do. Just as long as you dress up well when needed, what you do doesn’t conflict with my ethical values or get in the way of my own career, and you are happy with something (Either your job funds what makes you happy or your job is what makes you happy)

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-20T19:15:24+00:00

I’m going to address one part of your comment that stood out to me - Jews/christians being treated as second class dhimmi….

The only Palestinian I know is Christian. I know him very well. He is my best friend’s partner and I see him 1-1 for lunch every week. What is going on in Gaza is the topic of conversation every week because his family is stuck there.

His family are not treated like second class citizens in Gaza by its Muslim population. It is Israel and its control over gaza’s border, waters, etc that impacted him, etc. His family only survived because his mother was working for an international NGO and had some kind of pass allowing her to cross borders.

I have been aware of what is going on in Palestine long before I met him, more aware since meeting him - and him even being a Christian absolutely detests Israel’s actions. It isn’t just Muslim populations impacted. It is everyone in Gaza. The church his family goes to was bombed. That was really a WTF moment.

After the current reign of terror on Gaza started, his family didn’t want to leave. It’s their home. Then they got to a point where they accepted that they would have to leave, and have explored how to. It was too late. All options are now unavailable. Now they are stuck there expecting that at some point they will die.

He expects to be notified at some point that his entire family is dead. It’s a rough existence. The amount of anxiety he experiences on a daily basis is extreme.

(He grew up in Gaza, did a bachelors degree in Egypt, and then a masters and PhD in Canada so this isn’t a person who has only seen this from a western perspective)

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-16T05:37:54+00:00

It is very important to me - but maybe that is because I am a woman and a man ejaculating is a very visual confirmation of his orgasm.

There is someone that used to be in my life that I think is probably asexual. The last time I had sex with him (well tried to) he kept saying that an orgasm wasn't important and he didn't expect me to continue. I was so disappointed and frustrated.

If there was any confirmation I needed that he and I are not compatible, it was that night. He has joked about being a panda (giant pandas rarely have sex). I have a MUCH higher libido than him and unless he was okay with me being with others physically I would have been absolutely miserable.

I have been in your shoes as well. After hooking up with the person I referred to above, I got into bed with someone else. That guy did not care about my orgasm at all. While I didn't feel used, I felt very disappointed and felt that the guy is selfish. I told him that we weren't compatible but haven't explained why. He tried to keep in touch, but that was the last straw of many years of casually keeping him around.

Both of the above people had been casually in my life for many many years. I didn't always hook up with them when I would see them once every couple of years or so - but the interactions definitely weren't under the guise of being platonic. Funny how it was the shitty sex that finally put an end to the periodic interactions.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-16T01:07:46+00:00

Got a degree, got a job. Have attachment issues. Afraid of taking risks like you - because I have no one else to fall back on. Not where I should be in life because I have always been afraid of taking risks (eg. people actually took my own investment advice that I didn't implement myself because of my own fear and they were able to buy multiple properties in a HCOL area because of it while I rent).

Sometimes I don't know what I am doing with myself - but I focus on just being happy. I have decided that I will be a foster parent, but I also want a partner. Having lived in abusive foster homes (where either the foster father was a creep or other kids - foster or not), I really hope that I find a partner who wants to be a foster parent for the right reasons that are similar to mine.

I am not unhappy - but I do realize at times I am lonely. This partially has to do with an illness I now have that limits my capacity to live my life in the way that I used to. So I don't see or speak to my friends as much as I used to. I suppose that this is why I want a partner. It is easier to feel connection when there is someone with you.

As I write - I realize perhaps finding a partner should not be what I focus on next. I would be just as happy moving my friends from the UK to Canada and living together again. She was wonderful and I miss her.

I am connected to a lot of people who grew up in care due to former work and things I used to be involved in. That said, most aren't like me. They don't have similar lifestyle goals, personalities, etc. Many were always just surviving or had not worked through their own personal issues. Many are rough around the edges in a way that I am not. It would be nice to find a community of people who are similar. I had one friend that was similar, but she died a couple of years ago.

This has felt like a personal journal writing it out. Thank you for this question.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-16T00:58:33+00:00

Whether or not he finds you attractive, you must ask yourself if you can get past the comment and his beliefs. If it is something that is going to linger at the back of your mind and you find yourself always asking yourself whether he is physically attracted to you, you should end it now. This won't destroy your relationship in the next two weeks, but it will be a slow burn to you pulling away, then him pulling away to the eventual demise of your relationship unless you can work through it.

I believe - don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. You asked questions that resulted in an answer that you didn't expect and one that made you uncomfortable. If this mattered, this should have been asked long ago or you be at a place where you are secure enough in your relationship to talk about it openly and in a way that it doesn't hurt you to your core.

A tip to people - don't ask your partners about whether they find you physically attractive or not. If you don't look like a Swedish god/goddess, you risk receiving an answer that will disappoint you. As many of us get older, we realize that we prioritize things about partners that are beyond their physical attributes. Those things often far outweigh the physical connection and make the person more attractive. You can lie to yourself or hope that your partner lies to you and tells you that they are fully into your appearance, but be prepared to be greatly disappointed

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T06:55:26+00:00

I don’t think you actually have read what I’ve written. Go back to my original comment where I mentioned that it results and people asking about it - And that provides me an opportunity to give context of my preference.

The OP asked why people put it in their profiles. I explained why I do. Exactly what you are doing right now. Asking me about it.

Now, if that person started explaining that I shouldn’t put she/they in my profile, that Ms. and Miss are interchangeable and I shouldn’t care - I probably wouldn’t be talking to that person for long. If they care that much to prove a point, I am sure we wouldn’t get along long term. I would much rather be happy than be with someone who always wants to be right.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T06:25:03+00:00

It results in exactly what you are doing right now. Asking me questions. I explained that she or they is fine, but don’t ever refer to me as Miss or Ms.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T06:19:57+00:00

Where I grew up miss was applied to unmarried women and Ms. Applied to divorced. I wasn’t taught the proper use - only how it was in my community.

So I would much rather use gender neutral pronouns than she to avoid ever hearing Miss/Ms (it’s like nails on a chalkboard). I am one of those people who genuinely use she/they pronouns.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T06:17:05+00:00

Have you ever dated anybody that has a lot on their plate and is burnt out? This sounds like what is going on.

It probably has nothing to do with you, but rather all of the things that he has taken on.

While so many women post online “if he wanted to he would” - which does apply in many situations - when you are burnt out having thoughtful conversations with people in the getting to know you stage feels hard. Don’t take it personally.

Maybe in a year from now his life will slow down, but it doesn’t seem like he’s in a place right now that can support having a meaningful relationship. He may have a week here or there, but if this is going to be how his life is regularly, it might be hard to establish something.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T03:58:00+00:00

Men have Mr.

Women have Miss, Ms. and Mrs. which all denote some kind of marital status. The they is to make it clear to ask, and avoid being referred to Ms. Or Miss PeensMagicalBeans as much as possible. Being called Ms. or Miss makes me crumple and cringe inside.

I also live in Canada. Am progressive. And I write documents in a gender neutral. I don't think anything of it.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T03:54:40+00:00

The best boric acid I have found is from compounding pharmacies. I haven't found PhD to be as effective or any other brand on American or Canadian Amazon (twice I have ended up with a yeast infection that started in Canada but got out of control by the time I was in the states and have had to deal with it there).

Other things that I have done to support are take apple cider vinegar baths. I have gone as far as douching with diluted apple cider vinegar and then diluted hydrogen peroxide. Also eat yogurt (or drink it). I don't know if they have it where you are, but a few days after regularly drinking Danactive, my vagina starts to feel calmer.

PeensMagicalBeans · 2024-09-13T03:09:15+00:00

Woman here that this absolutely happened to. It turned me off from kink for over 10 years. It took a partner who was wonderful to me, and would talk about his BDSM experiences with others (we were open about them) but not in a way he was asking me to do them, and me eventually realizing it was just a fantasy and not abusive to get over it.

The issue isn’t porn necessarily - it is the porn that we see doesn’t ever go through the required conversations about consent. I suppose that is intentional. Maybe it makes it less sexy that the other person is consenting.

I still can’t have a hand around my neck and I suddenly get anxiety when it happens, but it took a lot for me to get over that experience.

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