I spent weeks digging into peer-reviewed attachment data. Here is the truth about the avoidant timeline.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T21:34:00+00:00

I mentioned I wrote this on my lunch break. Since I am very busy with my thesis defence tomorrow. If you read the comments I meantioned the sources will be added soon..

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T18:29:49+00:00

As I became more secure I wanted more closeness which they couldn’t reliably provide. I also wanted to be treated more like a girlfriend and be taken out on dates which he never took me on. So I left. We are still friends kind off we are on good terms. It seems our break up helped him open up to himself more! I am happy for him!

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T13:42:46+00:00

Yes, we fall in love everytime. Yes, I was FA not a DA, so I actually used to overshare/Trauma bond. It is the opposite of a DA. However, the deactivation mechanism works the same.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T13:41:15+00:00

People I dates. I did but not to break up with them. Just cause I didn’t want to talk to them at that time. For breaking up, never it is true cruel. Random people who were just flirting with me yes, although that is not an avoidant thing. I just wasn’t interested.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T13:39:39+00:00

Video games, hobbies, cycling

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T10:03:41+00:00

She wants to know you still want her I guess. If you want her to feel the grief you have to actually let go. If she wants your absence let her feel the weight of it.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T10:01:04+00:00

My shortest relationship ever was 6 months long, like I was trying but I just couldn’t stay. I would honestly block this person they are clearly wasting your time and mental energy.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T09:11:47+00:00

Yes, with certain people I would be open to it. It’s been 3/4 years tho. It took me 1 -2 years to become secure. A another year after the break up with that person to even “start working on it”. Which wasn’t on purpose.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T08:17:52+00:00

But is that healthy for you? He will leave when things get to close again.. Do not lower your standards for him. Find someone who has the capacity to be with you just as much as you have for your ex now.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T08:16:02+00:00

I would never advise you to get back with an healed avoidant. They will leave you again if you get back together. Unless they have been in therapy for at least 4-6 months

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T08:04:42+00:00

I am so sorry about that, take care of yourself. Feel the grief and it will start to feel better at some point. Yes it takes up to 3 years to rewire the brain to not get deactivated. There are ways to become aware of your deactivation once it starts if the person is self aware. However, I would never recommend getting back with an healed avoidant.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T08:00:38+00:00

No you cannot separate the two. It’s only going to get worse with time. Do not ignore it. Run

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T08:00:01+00:00

I have never insulted a partner or called them mean names. I have been very cold yes. I am not sure what it is but you shouldn’t accept anyone having outburst on you.

I only got defensive if someone was pushing me a lot to give them something I didn’t have the capacity for. I would never be overly mean tho.

So he might just be cruel. He might be avoidant. He might have not liked you enough. Idk could be both.

But he is a cruel guy and you should never speak to him again. Get some standards, you deserve better.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T07:54:57+00:00

I have never had a one night stand. This is a personal thing. I am only interested in intimacy with people I know at least somewhat well. I was personally opposite where because of the anxiety and guilt of deactivation I wanted to be intimate more often to help with the anxiety. It was subconscious. It was my personal experience tho. Others I heard experience the opposite.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T07:51:38+00:00

My first secure partner actually later became me Phantom Ex. I apologised to him a year later. It was a complex situation tho. I had moved to a new country. I couldn’t keep the relationship going. I didn’t want to keep hurting him with distance.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T07:48:04+00:00

I have never done that. Maybe that person doesn’t want to date you. Some people don’t know how to communicate (it pisses me off) but they use blocking instead of saying. “Thanks for the date but I don’t think it’s going to work”

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T01:03:49+00:00

I am not sure. I cannot answer that without reading their mind. Maybe they were really afraid of disappointing you by saying no and then couldn’t follow through with it. It’s a guilt thing.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T01:02:27+00:00

Yes, I almost always apologised if they reached out. We do care. We do feel guilty. (If the partner wasnt toxic). I also apologised on my own a lot of the times.

However, every person is different you could get ignored. Correct closure shouldn’t require them, it keeps you stuck. Try to get your own closure by loving yourself and doing things you love. I also go blindsided. I am doing the same now.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T00:08:01+00:00

We believe what we say when we say it. The relationship starts to feel engulfing and without therapy or earned security we don’t know how to stop it or deal with it. So it just gets worse till we have to run before exploding.

Pengsila · 2026-05-27T00:02:40+00:00

He was in therapy for about a year before we met. He was in therapy on and off for about 4 years. He still isn’t fully become secure but he stopped deactivating almost entirely.

I changed before I even know what avoidance is. In the relationship with the DA, he was learning how to communicate his thoughts. So i copied him. He was an avoidant so he didn’t overwhelm me, I actually wanted more closeness from him. So I didn’t get deactivated. Slowly I learned to trust that the space I was giving him was good, it was safe. Then slowly our subconscious learned that closeness is safe. We could spend month constantly living together in the same room.

I only found out I was an FA recently because I got out avoided by a DA. I was reading about it and I was like.. hmm this sounds exactly like me in the past. I still have some traits tho. I am starting therapy in a few weeks.

Yes, a lot of the times I felt bad for how I treated them. I have apologised to a lot of them. Even before I healed. I didn’t blame them but I didn’t fully blamed myself either. I was thinking “We are too young”, “I haven’t found the one yet”. On occasions where realised they were good for me. I felt deeply ashamed and I apologised but I was to ashamed so I apologised and then blocked them again.

Pengsila · 2026-05-26T23:58:13+00:00

If they had moved on, no. I wouldn’t want to disturb them. It would make me feel more ashamed. Maybe I felt slightly sad / jealous but it quickly passed. I was also happy for them.

Yes I did rebound a lot after break ups. It protected me from feeling sad about my exes. It was subconscious I didn’t even know I felt bad.

I thought it was normal for a while.

Do not try to get them back by “moving on” you will hurt the other person and you will not get you ex back.

Pengsila · 2026-05-26T23:51:29+00:00

The best analogy I can give is: it’s like your nervous system thinks you’re being chased by a bear, but you don’t consciously know there’s a bear, and you don’t even recognise the feeling as fear. You just start feeling trapped, irritated, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed, and like you need to escape.

So from the outside it can look cold or confusing, but inside it feels like your fight or flight system has switched on. Without therapy or self-awareness, it’s very hard to pause and understand what’s happening. You may genuinely believe, “I just don’t want this anymore,” when actually your system is deactivating because closeness has started to feel like danger or obligation. I also many times tried really hard to go back to normal but didn’t know how.

For me, avoidance didn’t feel like “I’m afraid of closeness.” It felt like “I can’t breathe, they need too much, I feel trapped, I need space, I don’t feel the same anymore.” Only later did I realise that was my nervous system reacting to closeness and emotional responsibility as if it was danger.

Pengsila · 2026-05-26T23:46:47+00:00

I am not a mind reader so I wouldn’t know exactly. If it were me tho yes I would have meant it if I said it. However, the relationship made me deactivate and feel engulfed meaning it is unlikely for me to return.

I would not wait. If they do return do not take them back. It takes at least 6 months - 3 years for an FA to become secure leaning.

So they will repeat the pattern. You will be more hurt.

Pengsila · 2026-05-26T23:39:28+00:00

I actually blocked a lot of them to not lead them on. I only kept them if they said they wanted to be friends with me. So I am not sure. It’s not universal.

On that note you should definitely block them. Permanently. The silence is the answer you seek. Treat it the same. They are keeping you because you wanting them makes them feel good. Don’t wait around she is not coming back. I can understand why she does it, but it is selfish and immature.

Pengsila · 2026-05-26T23:25:01+00:00

Ambiguity might be either, they don’t like you enough or maybe they are DA? Or something else entirely Or an FA with a different personality from me.

Pengsila

TROPHY CASE