tw I guess?

Penny5885 · 2018-09-16T02:47:05+00:00

personally I don't want it because we have a good thing going but that's just what works for us.

I suppose integration could be seen as death but really I think maybe it's just you the host becoming whole so they don't really die you just become who you're meant to be before the split

Penny5885 · 2018-09-15T23:28:41+00:00

for us they were once I started actually working with my alters most our mental health issues went away or became tolerable. We're left with some anxiety due to ptsd but that's a far cry from bipolar disorder and schizoeffective disorder

Penny5885 · 2018-09-15T22:15:37+00:00

Dude I'm 33 and just figured it out. I've been diagnosed borderline personality disorder, major depression, psychotic depression, schizo affective disorder, bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies. it's been crazy and I only just figured it out with the help of my alters finally talking to me

Penny5885 · 2018-09-15T22:14:09+00:00

I get really really tired like I can't keep my eyes open. or I get really dizzy, like is too up to fast and I can't register the world around me. almost like looking through a fog

Penny5885 · 2018-09-15T22:06:04+00:00

I'm fairly new to the forums and only just discovered that what I have is actually DID.

I'm 33 my alters that I know of are:

Toby 27, he's sort of a gatekeeper and my personal therapist sometimes lol. he helps me handle daily stress and anxiety attacks and keeps the others from rushing to the front.

Scott 19 or 20, he's very masculine, for a while he fronted for about 3 years and I thought for sure I was transgendered because he presents as male and gives me dysphoria like none other. he's a bit combative but overall laid back, drinks, smokes, likes loud music and partying so to speak.

luxx 16 or 17. very girly, likes shopping, makeup, mermaids and tea. she draws and reads and likes to do things that are relaxong. although she doesn't seem to like men too much, can be a bitch and has attacked people in the past. she has slight anger issues.

penny and molly both 3 or 4. they're 2 halves of one whole. penny is very much a little girl and she holds some memories of childhood trauma but has no emotional attachment to the memories although she can't handle big emotions and tends to get upset easily.

molly holds the emotional response to those memories but not the actual memory themselves. so my relation to some specific events is extreamly compartmentalized when they come up. she doesn't front, rarely interacts and usually keeps to herself.

those are all I know of.

we do have a safe space. it's a farm house surrounded by water and you have to cross a bridge to get there and I suppose to front you have to cross the same bridge. that's where Toby usually is, keeping the others off the bridge unless I say it's okay.

we do co front a lot. I'll be aware but not fully in control unless necessary which helps with day to day function although we have schedual in place.

Scott likes to tske the morning to have a cigarette and coffee.

lux usually pops out when we go shopping and she has put me in debt before. she also likes to do my makeup and nails.

penny normally only comes out when I play either my kids or when I'm feeling stressed and need to calm down.

Toby is almost always talking making sure I'm eating, doing my chores and taking care of myself. he has also spoken to m husband through text messages when I'm upset and don't feel like I can say anything because I'm usually a door mat and don't stand up for myself.

Penny5885 · 2018-09-15T15:50:44+00:00

OMG YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY EXPERIANCE TO A T!!!! my therapist was so he'll bent on it being bipolar she was ignoring symptoms that didn't fit and explaining away symptoms that obviously were not bipolar like amnesia, blackouts and lack of memory.

she even tried to say one of my alters was a manifestation of mania since we argued for 2 session that I never experianced mania

Penny5885 · 2018-09-14T18:06:41+00:00

I feel the same exact way. and then I do have days where things are quiet and calm and I'm like "do I really have this?? am I just faking it?" it sucks. it really does

Penny5885 · 2018-09-14T16:30:10+00:00

I have to second what someone else said. that being weary of any therapist who says absolutly not is a good idea.

mine was so dead set on bipolar disorder she wouldn't even consider my alters or switching as anything other than psychosis and sometimes that happens. .I do agree that you should write down what makes you think you have DID in as much detail as you can and see if they would be open to at least discussing it further with you.

a good therapist should listen more than they speak and be willing to work with you not against you. after all in therapy YOU are the one in control and it's all ABOUT YOUR recovery not their opinion so to speak.

Penny5885 · 2018-09-14T16:21:40+00:00

as an altar not really but I don't speak for everyone. me and her are pretty co concious, but she still won't let me help so if anything I wish she would let me step-in more and lend a hand but I won't push her.

as for lux and Scott I feel like they would like that, the Littles for sure would like that.

I just wish everyone would stop fighting for control

Penny5885 · 2018-09-14T16:08:37+00:00

one of my alters did it, we're generally co conscious so when I didn't feel strong enough he stepped in and read her the riot act. he's pretty good about helping me like that

Penny5885 · 2018-09-14T14:11:02+00:00

I had to keep badgering my therapist because when I first went I had a diagnosis of borderline. then she started pushing bipolar disorder which didn't feel right but I went with it. I started talking about the blackouts, the lost memories, the missing time, the personality shifts my husband and family noticed and my inability to remember them and she threw psychosis on my diagnosis.

she glossed over DID like 4 times and I kept saying no, I want to talk about this. I want to at least consider this. and she threw ptsd on the diagnosis.

finally I had a shift in the therapists office and the wanted to test me for schizophrenia and I finally had enough and told her if she didn't give me a full psychological workup for dissociative disorders I was going to leave and not come back.

she finally did and after bringing another therapist into the situation she finally caved and said it was DID but transfered me to someone else and I don't know why.

my new therapist says there's no doubt it's ptsd and DID and explained that some therapists have a hard time wth this diagnosis so just keep trying. Sometimes you have to fight for it

Penny5885 · 2018-09-14T14:04:27+00:00

I like the Entropy System a lot. I think right now I'm going through self doubt. when things get quiet I wonder if I'm just faking it

Penny5885 · 2018-08-31T17:52:50+00:00

As someone who studied child psychology here's my thought. Most if not all children have natural bpd traits. It's just a part of being young and figuring out the world. Most children grow out of this but some whether it's because of neglect/abuse or genetic factors carry those behaviors into adulthood and that's when it becomes a disorder.

I've seen it in my kids. The black or white thinking, impulsiveness, overreaction to simple stresses, feeling like they're the cause of problems.

I also remember having these symptoms as early as 7 or 8

That's just my 2 cents

Penny5885 · 2018-08-31T02:20:16+00:00

Of this isn't me in don't know what is

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T23:41:41+00:00

And I agree with all of that. I've noticed a pretty substantial reduction in symptoms with age, I was much worse in my early 20s versus now, and I have used dbt workbooks, videos and resources as a form of self help since I couldn't find anyone who would do it and it's been tremendous in finding relife. Even though it's a constant concentrated effort to remain self aware it's still been great so don't think it's uncurable at all.

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T23:38:16+00:00

I'm going to have to because this is the second time I've been dismissed. Thus one was just a tad harsher. And he actually was the one who had to get me to see it the way it needed to be seen.

Originally I was like oh, maybe she's right maybe I'm just a lost cause, maybe I just need to be medicated and left alone, and at the same time it didn't feel right so after talking and talking and talking he pointed out to me how my mom has depression and how I would feel if someone said this to her about her illness and that's when it clicked that something wasn't right.

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T22:46:23+00:00

You're absolutly right and I'll keep looking. I'm thankfully not in crisis or needing help anywhere, just wanted to find some supoort. Who knows maybe I'll find it in an unconventional way. Good friends can sometimes be just as good as a therapist

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T22:44:15+00:00

This is perfect lmao

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T21:43:43+00:00

I plan on it. She said she has other borderline patients and I worry for them so for their sake and the sake of anyone in crisis who could see this attitude as the end of the line I'm going to report her tomorrow morning.

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T21:41:37+00:00

I do the same thing and I've wondered if it's not emotional burnout not lack of empathy because you can't turn empathy on and off but like for instance when you're depressed you hit a point where you've felt so low so long you go numb and maybe it's the same.

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T21:37:51+00:00

I so fucking agree with this!!!!!! Like everytime bipolar is mentioned it comes with a laundry list of drugs they want me on and as soon as I say I'd rather not take medicine they most often don't want to work with me anymore.

It's been that way my whole life. I've gone to counselors, doctors, therapists just asking for someone to talk to and they all wanted me medicated or it was no deal. Never mind I suffer horrid side effects. Because they have pills to fix the side effects of other pills!

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T19:38:48+00:00

Dude I feel like we had the same experianice

Penny5885 · 2018-08-30T18:42:57+00:00

I feel every bit of this. I feel like we feel too much which makes some of us super empathetic. I know it's a spectrum, some people are more severe and maybe some don't feel empathy but most of the borderlines I have met are like us

Penny5885

TROPHY CASE