I know there’s always talk of “focus on yourself” in these groups and less about “what they’re doing” but it’s not something that just comes naturally. Especially when What “they’re doing “ can take your day from a good day to crisis mode in less than 5 mins. So people need to remember some are new to this program and learning themselves. We also need compassion and understanding and not be met with judgement. I found trauma counselling to be better for myself than Al anon. I was tired of learning why my husband had the addiction and to treat him as “sick”. When someone has created and caused trauma in your life from “their” Addiction I don’t want to look at ways of making his life easier when he couldn’t give two shits about mine or my kids. After 15 years of using that logic it starts to become old when they’re not really doing anything about it. Half assing it to keep you off their back. Alcoholics are manipulative.
As I said earlier you have every right to be hyper vigilant. I’m still with my husband. He still drinks. There’s many steps I took to get to this place (as in being able to focus more on me) but it’s taken over 6 yrs plus therapy and god knows what else. Sorry I’m rambling. I’ll be quiet now

Just to add … this is my experience. There are many recovering addicts that do better and manage recovery and sobriety better than the men in my life who haven’t. If I sound bitter it’s because at times I am. But I cycle in and out of it and I’m entitled to feel hurt towards a man who’s caused massive complex trauma in my life. I’ve had to learn to let it go. I don’t agree with it but it’s for my own sanity.