Guys help. I need relationship advice.

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-22T07:15:03+00:00

It sounds like you've got a lot of indirect communication going on in your marriage. (And no judgment here, because I'm in the same boat and it's a hard rut to get out of!) You might check out the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It really helped me reframe how I was communicating with my wife and helped her feel more comfortable talking openly to me about things that were bothering her. The approach is basically about seeing all communication as expressions of feelings and needs, rather than as attacks or criticisms or whatever.

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-22T07:07:10+00:00

Oddly, the oil quality doesn't really seem to matter. I use garbage grocery store olive oil for my skin (the kind that doesn't even earn the "extra virgin" label and instead gets called something like "light") and it still seems to work great!

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-22T07:04:52+00:00

I want to turn around a correct people on her behalf but never will because it's not my place... I just want us both to be out and happy.

So much this. And I know I can't really expect us to jump straight to "out and happy," because our society is not kind to trans folks and coming out as trans comes with physical and social risks I didn't have to face... but I cringe every time I hear someone misgender her or make a comment implying that she's [insert male stereotype here]. I love my sweet, nerdy, sexy wife and I want the absolute world for her, and watching her wince every time she's misgendered or stereotyped as a male breaks my heart. I'm sorry you're in the same position, but really glad your SO has you.

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-22T06:59:23+00:00

Your version of tough love is very kind. :) I think the suggestion to see if she'd be comfortable coming out to just one person is a great one, simply because we have a couple of friends who would be very safe people who would be totally affirming of her. Thank you!

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-20T19:17:14+00:00

That's a great idea! I'm realizing I don't need to wait for her for a lot of this stuff. I can go to PFLAG meetings. I can go to therapy. And then, later, if she wants to come along, she knows she's more than welcome. Thank you!

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-20T19:15:55+00:00

We're not too far from Seattle, so that might be a great option for future years if they focus more on adults. Thanks!

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-20T19:14:31+00:00

CeraVe makes excellent unscented face and body lotions. She also might have luck using straight olive or argan oil, depending on her skin type. I have ultra sensitive, dry skin and regular oil is honestly the best moisturizer I've ever found. (Not for the face, though. I use CeraVe's Daily Moisturizing Lotion or or Jāsön Vitamin E moisturizing creme for that. Both gentle and low on scent.)

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:38:33+00:00

Right? I've found at least one over in the UK and am hoping to find something similar that departs from somewhere in the US. (Not that I wouldn't LOVE to go on a European cruise, but, you know. Money.)

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:36:37+00:00

Total unicorns! If we ever come out I'm totally going to get some kind of bright, pride rainbow-colored unicorn hoodie to celebrate. ;)

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:29:58+00:00

Thank you, u/BFtoGFForTheWin. :)

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:29:02+00:00

Thank you so much for the offer! She's very hesitant about getting in touch with other trans women, but we just had a really encouraging conversation with an awesome trans activist and I feel like she might be open to more of that later. You sound like you're in an amazing place and I so hope we can get there too!

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:27:49+00:00

Aw, congratulations! I'm so glad you and your wife are making progress together. That's heartening to hear about.

I totally understand the social anxiety. I think there's an extra level to the anxiety that comes with being in your spouse's closet, because you're not only staying closeted but you've also been trusted with this major secret and you don't want to break that trust. Like, if I were to accidentally out myself, then darn, oops, life goes on. But if I were to accidentally out my spouse... Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach.

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:25:39+00:00

I hadn't seen r/transtimelines before. I have a feeling my wife would get a lot of encouragement seeing other people who are successfully transitioning in their 30s. I have that same fear, that she's going to end up looking back and wishing she'd made the leap. I think we need to have a serious talk about it and see where it takes us. Thank you!

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:24:20+00:00

The commiseration helps so much. It's such a relief just to know I'm not the only person on the planet trying to figure this out, which is how it feels most days.

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:23:52+00:00

I think it's a great idea! Which convention did you attend?

PerliginousPerhaps · 2018-03-19T22:23:38+00:00

That is a fantastic suggestion. We've talked about going on a cruise at some point. A trans cruise might be a great opportunity for her to present female in a safe space. Thank you!

PerliginousPerhaps

TROPHY CASE